RALPH: Welcome back, Larry. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Hello, Ralph. Is this really necessary? I'm on something of a time sensitive mission, right now. 

RALPH: To get to the Capulet tomb. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Exactly. The letter that we sent to Romeo telling me about the plan never got to him. 

RALPH: Ah, yes. This is Friar John. He was delayed right, this was a health quarantine or something. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: None of that matters now, the important thing is that Romeo didn't get the letter. He doesn't know about the plan. 

RALPH: The plan to fake Juliet's death. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Yes. I need to be there when she wakes up and hide her at my place until we can send for Romeo. 

RALPH: Yes, it's just the worst luck, isn't it? I mean if the letter had only arrived in time, then all this would—

FRIAR LAURENCE: Do we—do we really have to dwell on this, Ralph? I need to get over there, even a worse tragedy might ensue if I don't get to the tomb in time. 

RALPH: Yes. So let's talk about that. Here you are, rushing to the tomb. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Yeah, St. Francis be my speed. You know it's not easy for an old guy, running around cemeteries all night. Although I try to keep fit, I'm macrobiotic, except for bacon. 

RALPH: Well, and so you eventually do manage to get there. And you run into Balthazar, Romeo's man. Near the Capulet tomb. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Romeo's man. What's he doing there? 

RALPH: Yes, and you also notice some torchlight at the Capulet monument. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Torchlight. Who could that be? 

RALPH: Turns out it's Romeo, 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Oh, no. No, no. Oh dear. 

RALPH: That worries you. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Oh, yes. Of course. Juliet probably isn't awake yet. If he sees her, he will think that she's dead. Who knows what he'll do then. Have you seen this kid in action? No time for quiet reflection. Just action. I need to get over there. This is not good, Ralph. This is real bad. 

RALPH: Well, you do head over there. And at the mouth of the tomb, you see a pair of bloody swords on the ground. Masterless and gory swords, you say. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: In this place of peace. What's inside the tomb? 

RALPH: More bad news, I'm afraid. You find the dead and bloody bodies of Romeo and Paris. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Romeo and Paris, covered in blood. But when would this have happened? They'd been there for like 10 minutes. Oh, this is bad, Ralph, very bad. 

RALPH: And just then Juliet begins to stir. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Oh, sure, perfect. A perfect storm. She must be waking up from her sleeping potion. 

RALPH: Yes, and she immediately asks you where Romeo is. And then you hear some noise outside. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: More noises? Who could that be? Is the entire town showing up at Capulet's crypt tonight? Well, just slow down, Ralph. It's not easy for an old guy like me to keep up. 

RALPH: I'm sorry. This is all happening pretty fast. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Maybe it's the cemetery watchman. Oh, what a mess. I can't be found here, Ralph. 

RALPH: Yes, I suppose you're right. Your plan has fallen apart, for lots of reasons beyond your control. But it was your plan. This is certainly going to put you in a bad light. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Bad light? Romeo's dead, Paris is dead, a power greater than we can contradict hath thwarted our intentions. 

RALPH: Yes, about that. So if you don't mind, when Romeo and Juliet first came to you, and you agreed to marry them, it seemed that you thought you were doing God's work. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Yes, that's right, Ralph. But I—

RALPH: And that marrying these two children from the feuding families, Montague wedding to a Capulet, might heal the rift between them. Might transform the feud into a friendship. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Mm-hm, that's what I thought at the time. I think we've talked about this before. 

RALPH: Well, but just now you suggested that a greater power, God, I assume, has contradicted your intentions. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: What's your point, Ralph? 

RALPH: Well, it's just that if God is the master of our destinies, then everything that's happened so far must have been what he wanted all along. Maybe things haven't turned out as you expected. Your intentions have been thwarted. But maybe God is getting exactly what he wanted? 

FRIAR LAURENCE: This guy's been in Verona for like two days and he thinks he's Pope Clement the seventh. Look, Ralph. I would love to talk about theology with you. It's really very interesting, really. I could go on for hours. But I have to get out of here, and fast. 

RALPH: Yes, of course. I understand. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Maybe we can talk later. By Skype or something, once I've settled in a new location. Verona is a wash for me now. 

RALPH: You know, I would like that. You know because I also have some ideas about this freewill problem. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: I need to tell Juliet that Romeo and Paris are dead. Well, I can take her to a nunnery. She is ruined in Verona. Welcome to the club. But she can devote her life to God. 

RALPH: I'm afraid she doesn't see it that way, Larry. She refuses to go with you. And the noises from outside are growing louder. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Oh, fine. Whatever. I don't have time to talk her into my way of looking at things. I need to get out of here, and fast. Are we done? Does anyone have a laptop that I could make a plane reservation? Thinking maybe Bologna. It's got a great art scene. 

RALPH: This is possible, but I need you to stick around for one more interview, if you don't mind. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Seriously? There's going to be another interview? That's worrisome. 

RALPH: Sorry. Just stay close to the studio.