[A street. Enter Benvolio and Mercutio]
Mercutio
Where the devil should this Romeo be?
Came he not home tonight?
Benvolio
Not to his father's; I spoke with his man.
Mercutio
Ah, that same pale hard-hearted wench, that Rosaline,
Torments him so that he will sure run mad.
Benvolio
Tybalt, the kinsman of old Capulet,
Hath sent a letter to his father's house.
Mercutio
Benvolio
Mercutio
Any man that can write may answer a letter.
Benvolio
Nay, he will answer the letter's master — how he dares,
Mercutio
Alas poor Romeo! He is already dead, stabbed with
a white wench's black eye, run through the ear with a
love-song, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind
bow-boy's butt-shaft — and is he a man to encounter
Benvolio
Mercutio
More than prince of cats, I can tell you. O, he is the
courageous captain of compliments. He fights as you
[Mercutio pretends to swing a sword as if he's keeping time to music]
sing prick-song; keeps time, distance, and proportion;
he rests his minim rests — one, two, and the third
in your bosom. The very butcher of a silk button, a duelist,
a duelist, a gentleman of the very first house, of the first and second
cause. Ah, the immortal passado! The punto reverso! The hay!
Benvolio
Mercutio
[Mercutio, mocking Tybalt's pretentious way of speaking]
The pox of such antic, lisping, affecting phantasims,
these new tuners of accent! 'By Jesu, a very good blade,
a very tall man, a very good whore.' Why, is not this a
lamentable thing, grandsire, that we should be thus afflicted
with these strange flies, these fashion-mongers, these
‘pardon-me's’, who stand so much on the new form that
they cannot sit at ease on the old bench? O, their bones,
[Enter Romeo]
Benvolio
Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo.
Mercutio
Without his roe, like a dried herring. O flesh, flesh, how art
thou fishified! Now is he for the numbers that Petrarch
flowed in. Laura to his lady was but a kitchen-wench —
marry, she had a better love to berhyme her — Dido a dowdy,
Cleopatra a gypsy, Helen and Hero hildings and harlots,
Thisbe a gray eye or so — but not to the purpose.
[As Romeo joins Benvolio and Mercutio, they notice that he’s still wearing the clothes he wore to the Masquerade party the evening before: decorated, lightweight dancing shoes called pumps, and loose fitting trousers called a French slop.]
Signior Romeo, bonjour; there's a French salutation
to your French slop. You gave us the counterfeit fairly
Romeo
Good morrow to you both. What counterfeit did I give you?
Mercutio
The slip, sir, the slip — can you not conceive?
Romeo
Pardon, good Mercutio, my business was great, and in
such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
Mercutio
That's as much as to say, such a case as yours constrains
a man to bow in the hams.
Romeo
Mercutio
Thou hast most kindly hit it.
Romeo
A most courteous exposition.
Mercutio
Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
Romeo
Mercutio
Romeo
Why, then is my pump well flowered.
Mercutio
Sure wit. Follow me this jest now till thou hast worn
out thy pump, that when the single sole of it is worn
the jest may remain, after the wearing, solely singular.
Romeo
O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness.
Mercutio
Come between us, good Benvolio; my wits faints!
Romeo
Switch and spurs, switch and spurs, or I'll cry ‘a match.’
Mercutio
Nay, if our wits run the wild goose chase, I am done;
for thou hast more of the wild goose in one of thy wits than,
I am sure, I have in my whole five — Was I with you there for
Romeo
Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast
Mercutio
I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
Romeo
Nay, good goose, bite not.
Mercutio
Thy wit is a very bitter-sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.
Romeo
And is it not well served into a sweet goose?
Mercutio
O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow
Romeo
I stretch it out for that word 'broad,’ which, added to the
goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.
Mercutio
Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art
thou sociable, now art thou Romeo, now art thou what thou
art by art as well as by nature; for this drivelling love is like
a great natural that runs, lolling, up and down to hide his
Benvolio
Mercutio
Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.
Benvolio
Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.
Mercutio
O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short. For I was
come to the whole depth of my tale and meant, indeed,
to occupy the argument no longer.
[Enter the nurse and another servant, Peter. Both are wearing white, loose-fitting upper garments]
Romeo
Mercutio
Two, two; a shirt and a smock.
Nurse
Peter
Nurse
[The nurse, who is just a servant like Peter, is acting as if she's an upper class gentlewoman. Peter is not impressed, but passes her fan to her anyway]
Mercutio
Good Peter, to hide her face, for her fan's the fairer face.
Nurse
God ye good morrow, gentlemen.
Mercutio
God ye good e’en, fair gentlewoman.
Nurse
Mercutio
'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the dial is
now upon the prick of noon.
Nurse
Out upon you! What a man are you?
Romeo
One, gentlewoman, that God hath made, for himself to mar.
Nurse
By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,' quoth a?
Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the
Romeo
I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when
you have found him than he was when you sought him.
I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.
Nurse
Mercutio
Yea, is the worst well? Very well took, i' faith, wisely, wisely.
Nurse
If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.
Benvolio
She will indite him to some supper.
Mercutio
A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! Soho!
Romeo
Mercutio
No hare, sir, unless a hare, sir, in a Lenten pie, that is
something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
[Sings]
An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar,
Is very good meat in Lent;
But a hare that is hoar is too much for a score,
When it hoars ere it be spent.
Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll to dinner thither.
Romeo
Mercutio
Farewell, ancient lady; farewell.
[Singing]
[Exit Mercutio and Benvolio]
Nurse
I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this,
that was so full of his ropery?
Romeo
A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will
speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.
Nurse
An a speak any thing against me, I'll take him down — an a
were lustier than he is — and twenty such jacks; and if I
cannot, I'll find those that shall. Scurvy knave! I am none
of his flirt-gills; I am none of his skains-mates.
[To Peter]
And thou must stand by too, and suffer every
knave to use me at his pleasure?
Peter
I saw no man use you at his pleasure. If I had, my weapon
should quickly have been out, I warrant you. I dare draw as
soon as another man, if I see occasion in a good quarrel,
Nurse
Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about
me quivers. Scurvy knave! [To Romeo] Pray you, sir,
a word. And as I told you, my young lady bade me
inquire you out. What she bade me say, I will keep to
myself. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her in
a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind
of behavior, as they say. For the gentlewoman is young;
and therefore if you should deal double with her,
truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any
gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.
Romeo
Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress. I protest
Nurse
Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell her as much! Lord! Lord,
she will be a joyful woman!
Romeo
What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.
Nurse
I will tell her, sir, that you do protest, which, as I take it,
is a gentlemanlike offer.
Romeo
Bid her devise some means to come to shrift this afternoon,
And there she shall at Friar Laurence's cell be shrived
and married. Here is for thy pains.
[The nurse takes the money Romeo offers]
Nurse
No, truly sir, not a penny.
Romeo
Nurse
This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.
Romeo
And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey wall.
Within this hour my man shall be with thee
And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair;
Which to the high top-gallant of my joy
Must be my convoy in the secret night.
Farewell, be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains.
Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.
Nurse
Now God in heaven bless thee! Hark you, sir.
Romeo
What sayest thou, my dear nurse?
Nurse
Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,
'Two may keep counsel, putting one away'?
Romeo
Warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.
Nurse
Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, Lord,
when 'twas a little prating thing — O there is a nobleman
in town, one Paris, that would fain lay knife aboard;
but she, good soul, had as lief see a toad, a very toad,
as see him. I anger her sometimes and tell her that Paris
is the properer man; but, I'll warrant you, when I say so
she looks as pale as any clout in the versal world.
Doth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?
Romeo
Ay, nurse; what of that? Both with an ‘R’.
Nurse
Ah, mocker, that's the dog's name; ‘R’ is for the — No, I know
it begins with some other letter; and she hath the prettiest
sententious of it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you
Romeo
Nurse
Ay, a thousand times. Peter!
[Exit Romeo]
Peter
Nurse
[Exit]
