RALPH: So gentlemen. Let's be honest. Things haven't been going so smoothly lately. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: I'll say. This guy is wedded to calamity. 

RALPH: He does seem to be suffering from some tough luck. But Romeo. So you've been waiting for the Friar to come back and tell you what the Prince has decided to do about you killing Tybalt. 

ROMEO: So? Just more bad news, I'm sure. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: I know you've had a lot of that already. But it could be worse. Not body's death, but body's banishment. 

ROMEO: Banishment? Better to say death. Banishment? 

RALPH: Sorry. Do you really mean that? I mean could banishment really be worse than death? 

FRIAR LAURENCE: There's a big world out there, Romeo. 

ROMEO: There is no world outside the walls of Verona, just hell itself. Saying that banishment is better than death is like asking me to smile because my head's going to be cut off with a golden axe. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: You shouldn't be so ungrateful. The law was threatening death, but the Prince is showing mercy. 

ROMEO: Mercy? 'Tis torture and not mercy. Heaven is here where Juliet lives. And every cat and dog and little mouse, every unworthy thing live here in heaven and my look on her. But Romeo may not. 

RALPH: I see. So being away from Juliet, you might as well be dead. In fact maybe death would be better. 

ROMEO: Well, I'm glad you're catching up, Ralph. Friar Laurence. Banishment is the word people in hell used to describe their condition. How can you as my spiritual counselor use that word with me? 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Romeo, what you need is some mental maturity. What you need is some philosophy. 

ROMEO: What? And this philosophy can make a Juliet appear out of thin air, or move an entire city, or reverse a Prince's judgment? I have no use for it. Besides, how can you advise me when you don't even know how I feel? If you are as young as me and in love with Juliet and Tybalt's murderer and likely banished, then I bet you would tear your hair out as I do. 

NURSE: Sorry. Hi. Hello. Pardon me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. I'm just, um, here. 

RALPH: Welcome to the studio. 

NURSE: What did I miss? 

RALPH: Uh—. 

NURSE: There he is. Just like Juliet. Blubbering and weeping, weeping and blubbering. Sit up. Sit up and be a man. A young man like you should be erect. How have you gotten yourself into such a hole? 

ROMEO: How's she doing? 

NURSE: Who? Oh, right. Juliet. Uh, she cries, and then she weeps, and then she falls in her bed, and then she gets up, and then she cries Tybalt, and then she cries Romeo, and then she cries again, and then she falls in her bed, and then she gets up, and then she falls, and then she gets up, and she falls, and she gets up, and she falls, and she gets up, then she falls, and she gets up, then she falls, and she is crying a lot. She's a mess. 

ROMEO: Oh, my name. All because of my name. Tell me where my name lives if I can cut it out. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: For God's sake, man get a hold of yourself. You're acting like a woman. You're acting like a beast. Sorry. Do you really want to make things worse by killing yourself? You have countless reasons to be happy. Juliet is alive. You should be happy about that. That's great, right? Tybalt would have killed you, but you killed Tybalt. That should make you happy. The law threatened the death penalty, but changed it to exile. You should be happy about that. Instead you sit here whining. Go to Juliet, climb into her bedroom, and comfort her. But don't stay too long. You need to get out of town before the guards are on the streets. And then we'll announce your marriage. Beg pardon of the Prince, and call you back infinitely more happy than you feel sad now. Believe me, it will all work fine. 

NURSE: You are a smarty pants. I mean, I can listen to you all day. Look at what an education can do for a man, huh? Have you had lunch? 

FRIAR LAURENCE: You need to tell Juliet that Romeo is on his way. You need to go. 

RALPH: Well. This is looking up a little, right? Are you feeling a little better? 

ROMEO: Yeah, I guess I am. 

FRIAR LAURENCE: Just remember. You need to get out of the city without getting caught. We'll figure out the rest. 

RALPH: Before we finish up here, Romeo. You have this great line as you're saying goodbye to the friar. You say—I have it here—but that a joy pass joy calls out on me, it were a grief so brief to part with thee. What do you mean by that? 

ROMEO: Well, it's sad to leave my friend here, but you know it's Juliet who's waiting for me. 

RALPH: Got it.