RALPH: Mercutio, welcome back to the studio. It's the morning after the party. And you and Benvolio are still looking for Romeo.
MERCUTIO: Yes. Benvolio heard from one of the servants of the Montagues that Romeo never returned. I'm sure that pale, hard-hearted wench Rosaline continues to torment him.
RALPH: Could be. And Benvolio tells you that Tybalt has sent a letter to Romeo's house?
MERCUTIO: That's right, probably challenging him to a duel. The guy's a fanatic.
RALPH: And Benvolio thinks that Romeo will answer it.
MERCUTIO: He can write. Of course he'll answer it.
RALPH: Oh, sorry. Benvolio thinks that Romeo will answer the challenge and fight Tybalt.
MERCUTIO: Romeo? The poor sap's already dead, stabbed with the white wench's black eye.
RALPH: You mean Rosaline?
MERCUTIO: Shot through the ear with a love song, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow boy's butt shaft.
RALPH: Ah, slain by Cupid, you mean.
MERCUTIO: And you think Romeo's in any condition to fight with Tybalt?
RALPH: Yes, so tell me more about that. Tybalt is a tough guy?
MERCUTIO: Tough? He's the courageous captain of compliments.
RALPH: You mean that he follows all the rules and ceremonies of dueling?
MERCUTIO: Yeah, but it's so annoying. He fights the way that you would sing at a prissy recital, you know, keeping all the proper timing, distance, and proportion? Do you sing?
RALPH: Well, yeah, sometimes, you know, in the shower.
MERCUTIO: Exactly, the way one should sing.
RALPH: I'm actually pretty good.
MERCUTIO: But Tybalt has everything precisely measured. One, two, then bam, the third directly in your chest, the very butcher of a silk button?
RALPH: Silk button?
MERCUTIO: You know, the one you wear on your doublet.
RALPH: I see, right in the heart.
MERCUTIO: He's a duelist, Ralph. He's a duelist. He's mastered all the moves. But he's such a poser. He's so full of himself. And we're surrounded by them. You'd think they could all just learn to relax a little, you know?
ROMEO: Well, maybe I'll get to see this Tybalt in action at some point.
MERCUTIO: Be careful what you wish for, Ralph. Careful what you wish for.