Mercutio

Where the hell is Romeo? Didn’t he come home last night?

Benvolio

Not to his father’s house. I talked to his servant.

Mercutio

Ah, it’s that hard-hearted Rosaline, who’s tormenting him so much he’ll surely go mad.

Benvolio

Tybalt, old Lord Capulet's nephew, sent over a letter for Romeo this morning to his father’s house.

Mercutio

I’ll bet my life it’s a challenge to a duel.

Benvolio

Romeo will answer it.

Mercutio

Anyone who can write can answer a letter.

Benvolio

I don’t mean answer the letter, I mean accept the challenge. Romeo’s brave when someone dares him to do something.

Mercutio

Alas, poor Romeo. He’s as good as dead, stabbed by a look from one of Rosaline’s dark eyes, shot through the ear with a love song, his heart split down the middle by one of Cupid’s arrows. Is this the guy who’s going to take on Tybalt?

Benvolio

What’s so special about Tybalt?

Mercutio

He’s special all right, just like Tybalt the Prince of Cats in the children’s fable. He’s a courageous stickler for etiquette. He duels according to a stylish pattern like one would sing a complicated song, keeping the rhythm and adding the rests where they are written down--one, and a two, and a three--and a thrust into your chest. An excellent duelist, a marvelous duelist. He could stab a button on his opponent’s shirt. He’s a graduate of the top school of fencing, you know. He can recite word for word the rules of etiquette regarding the specific reasons a challenge can be offered and accepted. Ah, yes, he’s a master of “immortal passado,” the “punto reverso,” the “hai.”

Benvolio

The what?

Mercutio

A curse on such prancing, pretentious snobs! “By God, what a good blade, what a tall man, what a great prostitute!” Isn’t this sad, my old fellow, that we’re plagued with these eccentrics, these slaves to fashion, these men who constantly say “oh pardon me,” all these people who care so much about the new fads that they can’t comfortably relax without whining, “Oh, my bones, my bones!”

Benvolio

Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!

Mercutio

He only cries “Oh, me!” anymore so his name is missing the “Ro” as surely as the roe is gone from a dried herring missing its eggs. Oh, look, how flesh is fishified! Now he’s only fit for the kind of love verses Petrarch wrote. Petrarch’s love, Laura, was just a kitchen maid compared to Romeo’s lady, though she had a better poet to write about her. Compared to the great Rosaline, Queen Dido was frumpy, Cleopatra just an ugly Egyptian, Helen of Troy and Hero were good-for-nothing prostitutes. Thisbe was still pretty, but that’s neither here nor there. Signior Romeo, bonjour! There’s a French greeting to go with your baggy French pants. You gave us the slip last night.

Romeo

Good morning to you both. What slip did I give you?

Mercutio

The slip, sir, the counterfeit. You don’t understand the reference?

Romeo

Pardon me, good Mercutio, I had an important task, and in such cases it’s acceptable to push the bounds of politeness.

Mercutio

You might as well say a case such as yours forces someone to bow from the knees.

Romeo

You mean, to curtsy.

Mercutio

You have indeed got it.    

Romeo

Well what a courteous explanation.

Mercutio

I am the pink flower, the very peak of courtesy.

Romeo

The pink flower.

Mercutio

Right.

Romeo

Why with all this pink, my pump will be well decorated.

Mercutio

Well said. You can follow me down this path of jokes until you’ve worn that pump and the joke out together. Now when the single sole of your shoe is worn out, the joke will remain.

Romeo

Oh this joke is just silly, let’s not create more. Let’s leave it sole and singular.

Mercutio

Come between us, Benvolio, and stop the fight. My wits can’t take it any more.

Romeo

No, Mercutio, use your whip and spurs and gallop as fast as you can, or I’ll call the game over.

Mercutio

No, if you’re going to take your wits further in this wild goose chase, I’m done. There’s more wild-goose-chase spirit in a fraction of you than there is in all of me. There, does that phrase with the goose even out the battle of wits for you?

Romeo

You’re never with the goose, you always play the part of the goose.

Mercutio

I’ll bite you on the ear for that joke.

Romeo

No, good goose, don’t bite.

Mercutio

Your wit is quite a bitter apple, a very sharp-flavored sauce.    

Romeo

A sharp sauce pairs well with a sweet goose, doesn’t it?

Mercutio

Oh that’s a nice leathery joke, that can stretch itself from its limited size into something very broad, haven’t we?

Romeo

I stretched my joke just for that word “broad.” Add it to that goose business and we’ve proved for the whole world you’re a fat goose.

Mercutio

Hey, isn’t this joking better than sighing about love? Now you’re being social, and now this is the Romeo I know. Now you’re yourself again. After all, your love is like a great idiot, running around with its tongue out to hide a trinket in a hole.

Benvolio

Stop there, stop there.

Mercutio

You want me to stop my story before I’m ready.

Benvolio

You would have made your story really long otherwise.

Mercutio

Ah, you are mistaken.  I would have made it short. For I’d reached the depth of the story and didn’t mean to remain there any longer.  

Romeo

Here’s a good sight! A sail, a sail!

Mercutio

Two of them, a man and a woman.

Nurse

Peter!       

Peter

Coming!

Nurse

Give me my fan, Peter.

Mercutio

Peter, give her the fan to cover her face, for the fan’s more attractive than her face.

Nurse

Good morning, gentlemen.

Mercutio

Good afternoon, fair gentlewoman.

Nurse

Is it afternoon already?

Mercutio

No earlier, indeed, for the clock’s dirty hands are on the prick of noon.

Nurse

Oh enough with that! What sort of man are you?

Romeo

A man that God made, just to ruin him.

Nurse

I declare, that’s well said, “to ruin himelf,” isn’t that a saying? Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the young Romeo?

Romeo

I can tell you where Romeo is, but “young” Romeo will be a bit older when you find him than when you sought him out. I’m the young Romeo, for lack of a worse name.

Nurse

You speak well.

Mercutio

Yeah, is “the worst” well? Very well put by you, I say, very wise of you, very wise.

Nurse

If you are him, sir, I’d like a private word with you.

Benvolio

She will “indite” him to some supper.

Mercutio

A madam! A hare! I figured it out!

Romeo

What are you on about now?

Mercutio

I haven’t found a prostitute, unless she’s disguising herself by being ugly.

An old rabbit, and an old rabbit,

Is good to eat during Lent

But a rabbit that is so old that it’s rotten

Is not worth the money.

Romeo, will you come to your father's? We'll eat dinner there.

Romeo

I will follow you.

Mercutio

Farewell, ancient lady, farewell.

'Lady, lady, lady.'

Nurse

Goodbye! Excuse me, sir, who was that rude man who spoke like such a rogue?

Romeo

A gentleman who loves to hear himself talk. He’ll say more in a minute than he’ll defend in a month.

Nurse

If he says anything against me, I'll bring him down, even if he were more arrogant than he is, and accompanied by twenty other rascals just like him. And if I can’t do it, I'll find someone that can. Bastard! I’m not one of his floozies. [To Peter] And you just stand by, too, while every rascal uses me for his pleasure?

Peter

I haven’t seen anyone using you for their pleasure. If I had, I would have drawn my sword. I guarantee you, I dare to draw my weapon as soon as another man, if I find myself in a good quarrel, and the law is on my side.

Nurse

Now, I swear before God, I am so irritated that every part of me is shaking. That bastard! [To Romeo] I beg a word with you, sir, a word. As I told you, my young mistress asked me to find you. But first let me tell you, if you have bad intentions, it would be terrible behavior to pursue her. For my lady is young, and if you deceive her, you’re truly a poor choice for any woman.

Romeo

Nurse, pay my respects to your lady and mistress. I swear to you--

Nurse

Goodness gracious, I will tell her exactly that. My lord, she’ll be so happy.

Romeo

What are you going to tell her? You’re not paying any attention to what I’m saying.

Nurse

I’ll tell her, sir, that you swear before God, which as I take it, coming from a gentleman like you, can mean nothing else but an offer of marriage.

Romeo

Ask her to make up some excuse to come make confession this afternoon at Friar Laurence’s. There she’ll have her sins absolved, and be married. Here’s something for your trouble.

Nurse

No, truly sir, I couldn’t take a penny.

Romeo

No, I insist.

Nurse

This afternoon, sir? She’ll be there.

Romeo

And wait behind the abbey wall, good nurse.  I’ll send someone to meet you there within an hour. He’ll bring a homemade rope-ladder that I’ll climb to Juliet’s room like a sailor climbing ship’s rigging in the night. Farewell, be discreet, and I’ll reward you for your trouble. Goodbye, tell Juliet I’m thinking of her.

Nurse

God in heaven bless you! Hold on a moment, sir.

Romeo

What is it, dear nurse?

Nurse

Can your servant keep a secret? You know what they say: "two can keep a secret well when the third is away."

Romeo

I guarantee, my servant’s as solid as steel.

Nurse

Well, sir, my mistress is the sweetest lady--oh Lord, when she was a little babbling thing! Oh, you know there is a nobleman in town called Paris that is eager to claim her as his own, but bless her, she’d sooner look at a toad than at him. I make her angry sometimes when I tell her Paris is the more eligible man, but I’ll guarantee that when I say so she looks as pale as any pale thing in the universe.

Say, don’t “rosemary”and “Romeo” start with the same letter?

Romeo

Yes, nurse, what about it? They both start with “r”.

Nurse

Oh you mock me!  That’s the dog’s name, “arrr.”  No, it must be some other letter.  Juliet said a lovely thing about it--you and rosemary. You’d be delighted to hear it.

Romeo

Give my respects to Juliet.    

Nurse

Yes, a thousand times. Peter!

Peter

Coming!

Nurse

Peter, take my fan, and hurry on ahead of me.