RALPH: Thanks so much for joining us, Macduff. I know you're in the middle of a battle, so I appreciate you taking the time. Malcolm should be on his way any minute. 

MACDUFF: And Macbeth, does Macbeth come on the show? 

RALPH: Oh—yeah, sometimes. 

MACDUFF: So there's a chance he'll be here soon, too? 

RALPH: Well, I'm not sure. They don't really share the schedule with me. 

MACDUFF: What was that? 

RALPH: I didn't hear anything. 

MACDUFF: Look, I only came here because I thought there was a chance the tyrant would show his face. 

RALPH: The tyrant—you mean Macbeth. 

MACDUFF: If somebody kills him before I can, the ghosts of my wife and children will keep haunting me. 

RALPH: Their ghosts are haunting you. 

MACDUFF: And I can't bring myself to kill these soldiers Macbeth pays to carry their weapons. So either I kill Macbeth's, or I sheathe this sword undeeded. 

RALPH: Undeeded? Oh, I see. So it's Macbeth or nobody. 

MACDUFF: I hear it again. 

RALPH: You do? 

MACDUFF: I bet that's where he is. All I ask is that I find him. 

RALPH: Yes, well—let's see. I think I could probably help you. Yep, here it is. You do find Macbeth on the battlefield. His back is turned to you. 

MACDUFF: Turn. hellhound, turn. 

RALPH: I'm sorry? Oh, oh, right. Yes, that's right. So he turns to you and he says he's been avoiding you on the battlefield. He says he has too much of your family's blood on his hands already. 

MACDUFF: Enough with words. My voice is in my sword. 

RALPH: Yes well, right. So you two start fighting. 

MACDUFF: And? 

RALPH: Oh, of course. Yeah, so, hm. Well, there's kind of a lot of back and forth. 

MACDUFF: Well, he is one of our greatest warriors. 

RALPH: But then he tells you thou losest labor. If I'm understanding this right, he says you'd have a better chance wounding the air itself than drawing blood from him. And then he says, let fall thy blade on vulnerable crests. I bear a charmed life, which must not yield to one of woman born. 

MACDUFF: Charmed life? 

RALPH: Yeah, that's what he said. He seems to think that he's protected by magical powers or something, and that no one born of woman can defeat him. 

MACDUFF: Is that right? Well, I wasn't born of a woman. 

RALPH: I'm sorry? 

MACDUFF: I wasn't born of a woman. 

RALPH: How's that possible? Isn't everyone born of a woman? I mean, you have a mother, right? 

MACDUFF: Had a mother. She died trying to give birth to me. And when she died, they cut her open and they pulled me from her womb. 

RALPH: But then that means technically, you were never born at all. You were just taken from your mother. 

MACDUFF: Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped. So much for Macbeth's charmed life. Tell him that. 

RALPH: Yes, well, let's see. He doesn't take your news so well. He says he curses the tongue that tells him so. And—oh, wow. He says he won't fight with you anymore. 

MACDUFF: Won't fight? 

RALPH: Yeah. Is that a problem? I mean, it sounds like he's surrendering. 

MACDUFF: I'd rather fight. 

RALPH: Oh, I see. You were really hoping to kill him, weren't you? But so why not just kill him? I mean, it seems like you have a right to pay him back for what he did, killing your family. 

MACDUFF: True warriors kill only on the battlefield. Tell him this. He can surrender, and then I'll make him a laughingstock, drag him around the country like a carnival show with a sign saying, here may you see the tyrant. 

RALPH: Wow. 

MACDUFF: What's he say to that? 

RALPH: I don't know if this was the reaction you were looking for, but he says that he won't surrender. He'll never kiss the ground before Malcolm's feet, or as you say, be dragged around the country to be ridiculed. He adds, I will try the last. Before my body I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff, and damned be him that first cries hold, enough! Wow. Sounds like it's going to be a battle to the death. 

MACDUFF: Wonderful. And? 

RALPH: Uh, sorry. I don't seem to have any details about that. 

MACDUFF: What? You've got to be kidding me. 

RALPH: I'm afraid not. Sorry. 

MACDUFF: So I'll be back to find out what happens, right? 

RALPH: I think so. Like I said, they don't really show the schedule with me. 

MACDUFF: So what am I supposed to do now? 

RALPH: Hm. Well, have you seen the green room? 

MACDUFF: Green room? 

RALPH: Yeah, the green room backstage. It's nice. They've got snacks and stuff. 

MACDUFF: Snacks. I'm vegan, you know. 

RALPH: Of course you are. It's no problem. We've got vegan food. Yeah, it's great. And the couches are comfy. You can wait there, and they'll let you know if we need you again. Thanks so much for joining us.