RALPH: Can we just wait a bit? I think he'll wake up pretty quick here. OK. Just seems a little rude. Excuse me, sir. Sir. 

[MUTTERING] 

[SNORES] 

RALPH: Welcome back, everybody. Today, we're joined by the porter at the Macbeth castle. We've just learned that Duncan has indeed been murdered by the Macbeths. And there's been a knocking at the gate, which has caused the Macbeths to hurry back to their bedroom. It's the porter's job to answer the gate. That's what porters do. So we've invited him here to the studio to find out more about that. Excuse me, sir. It's very early in the morning, after all. Excuse me. 

[KNOCKING] 

PORTER: What's with the knocking? 

RALPH: Oh, I'm sorry, I was just trying to— 

PORTER: If a man were the doorman at the gates of Hell, he'd be opening the door— [COUGHING]—constantly. 

RALPH: Yes. Well, there are a lot of sinners in the world, aren't there? 

[SNORING] 

RALPH: Oh dear, that wasn't much of an interview. Though, I suppose it's interesting that he would mention the gates of Hell, just after the Macbeths have committed the worst crime imaginable—regicide—the killing of a king. Murder itself is pretty bad, of course. But in Shakespeare's day, the king was thought to have been appointed by God himself. For Macbeth to try to make himself king through murder would be a direct challenge to God's power. What's that? Look, I'm happy to just wait it out. Oh, all right. 

[KNOCKING] 

PORTER: Knock, knock, who's there in the name of Beelzebub? 

RALPH: Beelzebub? That's the name of one of the devils in Hell, isn't it? 

PORTER: [YAWNS] Well, look, here's a farmer. 

RALPH: A farmer? It's not a sin to farm, is it? 

PORTER: Hung himself. 

RALPH: Oh dear. Why? 

PORTER: Had a plan to get rich. Didn't work out. 

RALPH: Oh. Oh, that's right. Yes, I have a note about this. Let's see. Yes, there were cases of farmers who would spend all of their money buying up grain, hoping there'd be a famine. Wow. Hoping there'd be a famine so that they could resell all of the grain at a much higher price. It's not very nice. 

PORTER: Got the place nice and hot for you. [LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Are you talking to me? I'm not the farmer. 

PORTER: Hope you brought some handkerchiefs with you, because you're going to be doing a lot of sweating. [COUGHING] 

RALPH: But wait, so why did the farmer hang himself? Oh, I see. I guess it means the hoped-for famine never came, and he lost all of his money in the process of hoarding the grain. So is he in Hell for hoarding the grain, or for the sin of killing himself? Well, I guess one sin led to the other. What's that? OK, fine. 

[KNOCKING] 

PORTER: Knock, knock, knock. Who's there in the other devil's name? 

RALPH: Other devil? Do you mean Satan? 

PORTER: [SCREAMS] Hey, take it easy, buddy. 

RALPH: Or Lucifer? 

PORTER: I said knock it off! 

RALPH: Sorry. So maybe you're not supposed to say those names? 

PORTER: Well, lookie here. Here's an equivocator. 

RALPH: Equivocator? Now, I know that one, someone who equivocates. If I could toot my own horn for a bit, I scored an 800 on my SAT, and I happen to know the definition of equivocation. So it usually refers to multiple senses of the same word that are used to build to a misleading conclusion. I'll give an example. 

PORTER: Oh, fascinating. 

RALPH: A feather is light. What is light cannot be dark. Therefore, a feather cannot be dark. Get it? So light, like the weight, and light, like the color. Can you go to Hell for talking that way? 

PORTER: An equivocator can swear in both the scales against either scale. 

RALPH: Oh, I see. So you mean the scales of justice? So in this case, it's someone who doesn't really care about justice and can equivocate from either side of the scale to argue against the other side. That does sound pretty slimy. 

PORTER: Oh, who committed treason enough, for God's sake. 

RALPH: Oh, right. Sorry, I have notes about this, too. You're referring to an actual case that—

[SNORING] 

RALPH: —that Shakespeare's audience would have known about. So there was a Catholic priest who got involved with what's known as the gunpowder plot. 

PORTER: Hm? The what? 

RALPH: It was a plot to kill a Protestant King, which I suppose is what he meant by treason for God's sake. But so then he gets caught by the Protestants, and he tries to equivocate his way out of the charges, because he thinks it's OK for a priest to equivocate 

PORTER: Uh-uh. [LAUGHS] He could not equivocate his way to Heaven. 

RALPH: Well, yes, I suppose it would be hard to trick God with bad logic. 

PORTER: Well, please, come into Hell, equivocate. [LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Who me? Oh, no, the feather bit, that was an example. Isn't it interesting that he would use that example about someone trying to kill a king? And equivocation seems to be popping up a lot in this play, at least in the sense that you can't always tell what words mean. You remember Macbeth's reaction to the prophecy of the witches, for example. Could be good, could be ill. Macbeth seems to struggle with this kind of problem a lot. All right, all right, all right, just making a little point. Thought that was my job. 

[KNOCKING] 

PORTER: Knock, knock. Who's there? Oh, here's an English tailor. 

RALPH: A tailor? What's he doing in Hell? 

PORTER: He is stealing out of a French hose. 

RALPH: Oh, right, I read about this one, too. I guess French tights were kind of baggy. So this tailor would steal some material from French hose to make some extras, and therefore cheat his customers. Oh, that's kind of interesting. Well, it's kind of like equivocation again. His customers would think they were getting French hose, but they wouldn't really. 

PORTER: Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your goose. 

RALPH: Roast your goose? What does that mean? Wait a second, I think a tailor's iron was called a goose. Is that what you mean, like make your iron hot? 

PORTER: Yeah, yeah. 

RALPH: Well, that's a clever thing to say. Clever, because roast your goose then means at least two different things at the same time. If you think about it, a lot of humor—puns, for example—depend on this equivocation business on certain words meaning more than one thing at the same time. So even equivocation itself can lead to laughing, or go straight to Hell. I guess it depends on what you're trying to do with it. I know, I know. It's not my fault he keeps falling asleep. 

[KNOCKING] 

PORTER: [SCREAMS] Knock, knock. Will this knocking never stop? And who are you? 

RALPH: Me? I'm not a visitor to Hell, I'm just the interviewer. 

PORTER: Enough already. This place is too cold for Hell. I'll devil porter it no further. I had hoped to let in all the professions. [LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Oh, you mean you think there are examples of wickedness in all the professions? 

PORTER: Of course. But at least the thieves and the murderers, they know where they're headed. Everyone else is on the primrose path to the everlasting bonfire! [LAUGHS] [COUGHING] 

RALPH: Well, I guess that's the common thread with you, huh? People thinking that they've found a good way to do bad things. So they've made their path to Hell look nice, but it's still leading to Hell. This guy doesn't even know what happened last night. But all of his examples of sinners remind me of the Macbeths, in a way. They're all people that think they can take advantage of a situation without any cost to themselves. They all end up being wrong about that. And this raises an important question—are the Macbeths so evil that we can't even relate to them? Or are they really just very dramatic examples of the kind of thing that everybody does all of the time? OK, yes. You don't even have to ask. [KNOCKING]

PORTER: OK, what—what? OK, come on. Do we have to keep doing this?

RALPH: No, I mean, I thought it was just to—

PORTER: I mean, somebody is knocking. Can we just let them in already? 

RALPH: Yes, of course. So that's what you do as porter, you open the gates. 

PORTER: Remember the porter. 

RALPH: Well, yes, of course. How could we forget you? But I think I see what you mean. You've actually taught us a lot about moral thinking with your little examples of visitors to Hell. There's a lot we should consider seriously in what you've said. 

PORTER: Remember the porter. 

RALPH: Oh, you mean a tip. Or did you mean both? You're an equivocator. OK, OK, sure. Actually, you know what? Listen to this. If my pocket were to change, then it wouldn't be my pocket anymore. So there's no change in my pocket. Get it? Like pocket change? OK, well, whatever. So two things—Macduff and Malcolm have entered the gate. And Macduff wants to know if you went to bed really late, and that's maybe why it took you so long to answer the door. Porters are usually up very early. 

PORTER: [LAUGHS] I guess he got me there. We were partying until the second cock. 

RALPH: I'm sorry? Oh, oh, you mean the rooster, the cock crow. The second cock crows at dawn, I think. 

PORTER: And drinking—you should tell this Thane guy this—is a great provoker of three things. 

RALPH: Well, now that the thanes have arrived, I think we should just move on to what happens next. Thanks so much for—

PORTER: Aren't you going to ask me what the three things are? 

RALPH: Well—

PORTER: Drink is a great provoker—you'll love this—of three things. 

RALPH: OK, so I happen to know where you're headed with this. And I just don't think it's a good idea here. I mean, children could—

PORTER: Nose painting! Sorry. 

RALPH: Oh, boy, here we go. Nose painting, you mean because it turns your nose red. 

PORTER: Sleep! 

RALPH: Yes. 

[SNORING] 

RALPH: And I suppose that's why you mentioned it in the first place, to explain why you've slept so late. Oh. Oh, thank god. 

PORTER: Gotcha! [LAUGHS] And the third one. Oh, ow. 

RALPH: Maybe we could just leave it at two for this interview. 

PORTER: Nose painting, sleep, and urine. Urine! 

RALPH: OK, that's very interesting. Thanks so much for joining us. 

PORTER: Now, lechery, lechery is a slightly different category. 

RALPH: Oh dear. I'm not going to define lechery, despite my SAT score. You can look it up. 

PORTER: When it comes to lechery, drinking provokes and unprovokes. 

RALPH: Both at the same time? 

PORTER: It provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. 

RALPH: Actually, this reminds me of what we were talking about earlier. How can drink, which is one thing, do two different things at the same time? 

PORTER: Well, that's right. And you could say that too much drinking is an equivocator with lechery. 

RALPH: Exactly. Well, thank you once again— 

PORTER: It makes him, and it mars him. It sets him on, and it takes him off. It persuades him, and disheartens him. Makes him stand to, and not stand to. In conclusion, equivocates him in a sleep, and giving him the lie leaves him. 

RALPH: Well, thanks for clearing that up. I think we all get the picture now. But actually, so one last question. Since Macduff can't seem to drop the subject, he wants to know if drinking did all of this to you last night. 

PORTER: Oh, well, it sure did. Why, he had me by the throat. But I fought back. And though he had my legs a bit wobbly, like a good wrestler, I threw him up. [LAUGHS] I might still have some on my chin. 

RALPH: Yes, that would explain the smell. Well, so it's at this point that Macbeth shows up to greet the visitors. 

PORTER: Oh, better make myself scarce. He's not going to like all this knocking. 

RALPH: Certainly. 

PORTER: You know how he is. 

RALPH: Yes. 

PORTER: OK I'll—

RALPH: Thanks for joining us. 

PORTER: [BURPS] This—yeah, OK, very—ooh, it hit the—that's not the—that's not the way. 

RALPH: It's just—

PORTER: This way. 

RALPH: —just right over there. 

PORTER: Yeah. 

RALPH: OK, thanks, thank you. Thank—thanks so—yeah, just right there. 

PORTER: I love you. 

RALPH: Thanks so much. Thanks again. Well, I don't know. If the porter had answered the gate on the first knock, this whole story might have turned out differently.