Ralph: Welcome back, everyone. There seems to be some confusion in Padua. So we're hoping to help sort that out a bit. 

Vincentio: You call this confusion? This is criminal. 

Ralph: Yes, sir. But if you could just hold on for a bit. I need to bring our audience up to speed, and then they can hear from you and decide for themselves. So let's get right to it. You, sir, have just arrived in town with Petruchio and Kate as your traveling companions. And they've brought you straight to Lucentio's house. And then for their kindness, I assume, you've asked them to stay for a drink. 

Vincentio: You shall not choose but drink before you go. It's only polite. 

Ralph: Well, yes. So you knocked at the door. And than an older gentleman who was passing by-- our audience knows him as Gremio-- suggested that you knock louder. There was some kind of a party going on inside. And that's when you, sir, shouted out the window to them. 

Merchant as Vincentio: Yes, it sounded like he was going to pound down the door. 

Vincentio: And so then I asked for Lucentio. 

Merchant as Vincentio: And I told you he was inside and that he was busy. 

Ralph: And that's when you, sir, said that you had some money to give to Lucentio, which could make for an even better party. 

Vincentio: Sometimes it just takes a little money to open doors. 

Ralph: Well, and so now we get to the heart of the confusion which has brought you both here. Because it's at this point that Petruchio asks you, sir, to tell Lucentio that his father has arrived from Pisa and wants to come in to see him. 

Merchant as Vincentio: Well, and that's a lie. I mean, his father has come to Padua and you're looking at him. 

Vincentio: You're saying that you're Lucentio's father? 

Merchant as Vincentio: Well, that's right. At least that's what his mother told me, if she can be believed. 

Ralph: Well, Petruchio then accuses you of knavery. Which for our audience, a knave is a kind of cheat or we might say a rascal. 

Vincentio: Oh, this guy's a knave all right. 

Merchant as Vincentio: Oh, you should arrest this man immediately. For I believe he has come to Padua to conduct fraudulent business while pretending to be me. 

Biondello: Sorry I'm late. 

Ralph: Oh. No problem at all. 

Biondello: I just thought I'd come and tell you that I've seen them in the church together, and I wish them the best. But I'd better get going now. 

Vincentio: No, you stay right where you are, you crack hemp. 

Ralph: Oh my. Crack hemp. I hope I have a note about that. 

Biondello: I can sit wherever I want, right? 

Ralph: Oh, yeah, sure. 

Vincentio: You come over here now, you rogue. 

Ralph: Let me remind everyone that this is Biondello, a servant in Lucentio's household, and therefore someone who should know who the real Vincentio is. 

Vincentio: That's right. Someone who should know who the real Vincentio is. Unless you've forgotten somehow who I am. 

Biondello: Oh, how could I forget you? I've never seen you before in my life. 

Vincentio: Oh, you notorious villain. You're trying to tell us you've never seen Lucentio's master, Vincentio? 

Biondello: Well, of course I have. My master's father is my master too, and I'm sitting right next to him. 

Vincentio: Ralph, I'm going to put this as simply as I can. Either you have these two arrested immediately or I'm going to walk over there, beat them to a pulp, and then I'm going to sue you and this entire TV studio until there's nothing left except the chair you're sitting in. And maybe not even that. 

Ralph: Signor Vincentio, you can calm down. I know perfectly well who you are, and I think you're right that it's about time we cleared this up. And I can assure our audience, and these gentlemen here. 

Baptista: Sorry we're late, Ralph. Lots going on. I hope we can make this quick. I have an engagement to celebrate. 

Ralph: Yes, and I'm hoping we can get to that eventually. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And I just saw my man Biondello scared out of his mind. Said your guests had threatened to beat him. Who do you-- oh dear. Who do you think you are, anyway? 

Vincentio: What the? This is unbelievable. Who do I think I am? Who do you think you are? Oh immortal gods. A linen shirt, that fancy hat. Wearing velvet hose too, I suppose. Now I've seen it all. Me, a hard working father, while my son and his servant live it up at university. 

Tranio as Lucentio: I don't know what you're talking about. 

Baptista: Who is this lunatic? Do you just let anyone into your show, Ralph? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Sir, you look like a respectable gentleman, but what you're saying makes no sense. Why should you care about how much my clothes cost? I have my father to thank for being able to dress so well. 

Vincentio: Your father? Your father is a sail maker in Bergamo. 

Ralph: Huh. Do they make sails in Bergamo? 

Baptista: Sir, please. You may not be crazy, but you certainly are mistaken. Please, tell me, what do you think his name is? 

Vincentio: His name? As if I didn't know his name. He's lived in my household since he was three years old. And his name is Tranio. 

Merchant as Vincentio: Ah, get lost mad ass. His name is Lucentio, and he is my only son and heir to all the lands and property that are mine. Signor Vincentio. 

Vincentio: Lucentio. He has murdered his master. Grab him immediately. Ralph, call the police. Oh, my son, my son. Tell me, villain, where is my son, Lucentio? 

Tranio: I agree, Ralph. You should call the police and have this crazy man taken to jail. 

Vincentio: Send me to jail? 

Ralph: If I may, please, Signor Gremio, who's been watching all of this, says this man shouldn't be arrested. 

Baptista: Well, Signor Gremio can mind his own business. I say he will be arrested. 

Ralph: Well, Signor Gremio wants to warn you, Baptista, that you're getting caught up in some kind of a scam. And then Gremio says he's pretty sure that this is the real Vincentio. 

Merchant as Vincentio: Pretty sure? Would he swear it in a court of law? 

Ralph: Well, no, he says he wouldn't necessarily swear that in a court of law. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And what about me? Would Gremio say that I'm not the real Lucentio? 

Ralph: Well, no, I mean, he definitely thinks you're the real Lucentio. 

Baptista: Then away with this dotard. Arrest him. 

Vincentio: Did he just called me a dotard? 

Ralph: He did indeed. And I'd actually like to explain to our audience what that word means. Oh, well, who do we have here? 

Biondello: You'd better swear that's not your father or we're screwed. 

Lucentio: Father, I'm so sorry. 

Vincentio: My son. He's still alive. 

Bianca: I'm sorry too, father. 

Baptista: What are you sorry for? Where is Lucentio? 

Lucentio: I'm Lucentio, son of Vincentio, and I've married your daughter. You just couldn't see what was happening because of all the disguises. 

Vincentio: Right. The disguises. Where's that damn villain Tranio who lied to me to my face about all of this? 

Baptista: Aren't you Cambio? 

Bianca: Cambio is changed into Lucentio. 

Lucentio: Love wrought these miracles. It was Bianca's love that made me swap places with Tranio and then Tranio pretended to be me around town. And now we've finally arrived at my wished haven of bliss. I ordered Tranio to pretend to be me. Please forgive him for my sake. 

Ralph: Well, that's a pretty sweet story, actually. And nothing like a little forgiveness when things seem to have worked out so well. 

Vincentio: He was going to have me sent to jail. And I can't wait to slit that villain's nose. 

Ralph: Oh dear. 

Baptista: Are you telling me, sir, that you've married my daughter without asking for my approval of the marriage? 

Vincentio: It's all right, Baptista. I'll make sure you get what you need to approve this marriage. Let's go talk about it, and then I'm going to get my revenge for all of his villainy. 

Baptista: Yes, we need to get to the bottom of this knavery. 

Ralph: Are you sure you don't want to just settle this right here? I think our audience would be very interested. 

Lucentio: Don't worry, honey. It's gonna be fine. 

Ralph: So Lucentio, do you really think they're going to be okay with all of this deception? 

Lucentio: It's going to be totally fine. It's okay, Bianca. My father will not frown. 

Ralph: You know, where I'm from, we might say you're going to turn her father's frown upside down. 

Bianca: How cute. 

Ralph: Thanks for joining us, everyone.