Ralph: Hello, everyone. We've come back to check on Kate and Petruchio in Verona. It's been a few days since the newly married couple made the trip from Kate's hometown of Padua, and we were hoping to find them finally settling into married life. But I'm sorry to report there's been some tension today. We're joined in studio by both Kate and Petruchio's personal servant, Grumio. We were expecting Petruchio to be here too, but he must be running late. 

Grumio: Shocking! 

Ralph: Or something. But if you two don't mind, let's go ahead and get started, because actually, there was a bit of tension between the two of you earlier. 

Kate: There sure was. 

Ralph: And I think it started with you, Kate, trying to get Grumio to bring you some food, because well, because you still haven't eaten anything since you've arrived. 

Grumio: I've been telling her on my life, I wouldn't do that. 

Kate: The more my wrong, the more his spite appears! 

Ralph: I'm sorry, his spite? Oh, oh. You mean Petruchio. 

Kate: Mm-hmm. 

Ralph: So you're saying that the more he wrongs you by not letting you eat, for example, the more he seems to want to wrong you. 

Kate: Did he marry me to starve me, Ralph? 

Ralph: Well, no. I mean, that wouldn't make much sense. 

Kate: When beggars come to my father's door and beg for food, they get some immediately. If not, they can go somewhere else. But I, who have never needed to beg, and never knew how to, am starving for meat, and delirious from lack of sleep. He keeps me awake with his swearing, and he feeds me with nothing but fighting. And what upsets me more than anything is that he claims to do all of this because he loves me. Loves me! As if eating or sleeping would kill me on the spot. 

Ralph: That does sound a little strange. 

Kate: So I was simply trying to get Grumio here to get me a little something to eat! 

Ralph: And you Grumio, you seem to be thinking about getting Kate something to eat, at least at first. From what I understand, you asked her what she would think of having some ox. 

Grumio: Mm. 

Ralph: Or some ox foot, you called it, which doesn't sound very appetizing to me. 

Kate: Oh, It sounds great to me, Ralph. Still does. I told him I'd have some. 

Grumio: But I got to thinking it's too choleric a meat. 

Kate: What? 

Ralph: Too choleric? 

Grumio: It can make some angry people more angry. 

Ralph: Oh, right. But then you suggested some fat tripe, finely broiled. 

Grumio: Ooh! [SMACKING] 

Ralph: Tripe is a dish made from the stomach lining of cattle or sheep. 

Kate: Yum! 

Ralph: And so I assume you're suggesting tripe because it doesn't make people choleric. 

Grumio: Oh no, it does! Good thinking, Ralph. 

Kate: Oh, yeah. Thanks, Ralph. 

Ralph: Oh, well, I didn't mean to-- I'm sorry. Well, so let's see. Then you offered her some beef with mustard. 

Kate: Ooh, sounds incredible. 

Grumio: Yeah, you see there, the mustard. It's really too hot. 

Ralph: The whole choleric thing again? 

Grumio: That's right. 

Kate: So I told him, fine, no problem. Forget the mustard. I'll just have the beef. 

Grumio: But that doesn't work right, Ralph? I mean, how can you have beef without mustard? 

Ralph: Well, I don't know. It seems like there's lots of good ways to eat beef. 

Kate: It doesn't matter to me. Beef and mustard both, or just one of them. I'll take anything, Grumio. 

Grumio: You'd really just eat mustard by yourself, just like that? 

Kate: Just go! Why are you even here? Go! Get out, you lying, stupid slave! I hate you! Ah! 

Grumio: Ow! 

Ralph: Kate, let's not do that. 

Kate: Oh, don't you see what he's doing? He's trying to feed me with the name of meat, and not the meat itself! [SHOUTING] 

Ralph: Yes, Grumio. Are you actually trying to find something good for her to eat, or is this just the same routine that Petruchio has been putting her through? 

Kate: Oh, sorrow on thee and all the pack of you that does triumph upon my misery! 

Grumio: Boo! 

Ralph: So Kate, do you think Grumio and the others are actually enjoying this? 

Kate: I said get out of here! Go! 

Ralph: Well, actually, it was right about then that-- 

Grumio: Uh-oh! 

Ralph: Oh, look who's here 

Grumio: Oh my God. 

Petruchio: Sorry I'm late there, Rafe. How you doing, doll? Why do you look so sad? So depressed? As is your usual manner. Why don't you give us a smile? 

Ralph: So Petruchio, we were just talking about how hard it's been for Kate to get some food around here. 

Petruchio: What? I just brought her some. I prepared the dish myself. She didn't want to thank me for it. 

Kate: No. 

Ralph: Oh, yes. Let's see. You say kindness merits thanks. 

Petruchio: Exactly! Kindness merits thanks. Right, Rafe? 

Ralph: Uh, well, yes. It is polite to say thank you when someone shows you some kindness, but you haven't exactly been kind. 

Petruchio: See? I'm glad you agree with me. Kate here didn't want to say thanks. What do you think of that, Rafe? 

Ralph: We have a non-interference policy. 

Petruchio: Well, I thought it would be a good idea to send the dish back if she didn't want to thank me for it. 

Kate: I asked you nicely to let me keep it. 

Petruchio: Even the poorest service is repaid with thanks. 

Ralph: Boy, you really wanted her to say thank you. And you weren't going to let her touch the meat until she did. 

Petruchio: That's something we're working on, Rafe. In fact, we can try again right here. 

Ralph: Oh, that's OK. We don't need to do that. 

Petruchio: What's the big deal? She already told you I didn't send the dish back, so she was able to say it before. She can say it again. Go ahead, Kate. Show Rafe. Show everyone in the studio. You can do it. Tell everybody what you said. 

Kate: I thank you, sir. 

Petruchio: Mm! 

Ralph: You know, I'm not allowed to interfere in these things, but your friend Hortensio was there, and it says here that he thought you were taking things a little too far, Petruchio. 

Petruchio: Well, you should also note that I told Hortensio the best way to support me. 

Ralph: Oh. Well, but, but wait. If you told him to-- 

Petruchio: The point is, Rafe, I didn't send the food back. And I told Kate to dig in. Much good do it unto thy gentle heart, I said. 

Ralph: Well, yes, but if Hortensio was-- 

Petruchio: Did you tell him about the trip, my dearest? 

Ralph: Wait, you're going on a trip? 

Petruchio: Yes. We're taking a big old trip back to her father's house. Oh my goodness, Rafe, and we're going to be totally decked out. 

Grumio: Pooh! 

Ralph: Huh? So you're going to dress up pretty nice, huh? Is this to make up for the wedding day? 

Petruchio: Oh yeah. We're going to have silk coats, and hats, and golden rings, and ruffs, and cuffs, and farthingales. 

Grumio: Farthingales? 

Petruchio: Mm. 

Ralph: I'm sorry, farthingales? 

Petruchio: Well, those dresses that are poofed up in the back. They're amazing. We're going to have scarves, and fans, and amber bracelets, and beads. All kinds of little accessories for my little accessory. 

Ralph: Oh, right. And that's when the tailor and the haberdasher, the hat maker showed up. And I guess you ordered an outfit made just for Kate. 

Petruchio: Please, don't remind me, Rafe. The stuff they made was horrible. The hat looked like it was molded on a cereal bowl. It was like a like a dish made out of velvet. Oh my goodness, it was just plain disgusting. It was like a cockle, like a walnut shell. It was like a knack, like some kind of a broken, dirty toy, like a little trick. Like a baby's cap. 

Grumio: Wah. 

Ralph: Sounds like you didn't like it much. 

Petruchio: Oh, and it wasn't big enough. And I told him to make it bigger. 

Ralph: But if you didn't like it at all, what's the point of making it bigger? 

Kate: It would've fit me fine, and it's exactly what gentlewomen are wearing these days. 

Ralph: So you liked the hat? 

Petruchio: Yes, Kate. Gentlewomen are wearing hats like these, and when you're gentle, you'll get one too, and not till then. 

Ralph: Yes, well, Hortensio says he doesn't think that's going to happen any time soon. 

Kate: Excuse me, I assume I got the right to speak. What am I I asking you for? I'll speak whenever I want to. I'm not a child. I'm not a babe. People more important than any of you have heard me speak my mind. So if you can't handle it, best you stop your ears! My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break. 

Ralph: Sorry. I just think that's a really powerful thing that you just did. 

Kate: Oh, thank you. 

Ralph: If you keep intense emotions inside, hidden in your heart, your heart might just break from all the pressure. I know this from personal experience, actually. 

Grumio: Yikes. 

Ralph: But you go right ahead. This isn't about me. 

Kate: So to keep my heart from breaking, I'm going to say whatever the hell I want when I want. 

Ralph: Well now, that's maybe putting it a little strong. 

Petruchio: No, no, no. No! No no, no, no, no, no, no, Rafe. She's right. 

Ralph: She is? 

 

Petruchio: She's speaking the truth it was a worthless excuse for a hat I said it. 

 

Ralph: I don't think Kate was talking about the hat. 

Petruchio: That hat was an absolute custard coffin. You know what I'm saying? 

Ralph: I'm not sure I do, actually. Custard coffin? 

Grumio: [LAUGHING] 

Petruchio: He gets it. It was an utter bauble. 

Ralph: Oh, bauble. I know that one. That's a showy little trinket. 

Petruchio: Ah, I see. So you thought so, too. Hmm. 

Ralph: No, that's not what I meant. 

Petruchio: It was like a pie made out of silk. You like silk pie? 

Kate: Mm-hmm. 

Petruchio: Well, go get yourself some, Kate. Fill up the tum. I totally love you for not liking that hat, though. 

Kate: It doesn't matter if you love me or not. I like the hat, and I will have it, or I won't have any. 

Petruchio: Oh, right, the dress. Thank you for reminding me, Rafe. 

Kate: What? 

Petruchio: It was a total disaster, too. It was so gaudy. It had like extra sleeves or something. It was like a squid dress. It was like a like a giant cannon, but then cut up with a bunch of slits like an apple pie. Just snip, and snip, and slish, and slash. 

Kate: What's your obsession with pie? 

Petruchio: It was like one of those incense burners with all of the little random holes in it. You only need one hole for the incense, Rafe. Why are there extra holes anyway? 

Ralph: The tailor seemed to think he was following your orders, which were to make a dress according to the current fashion. 

Petruchio: Yeah, but not some absurd version of the current fashion. 

Kate: I've never seen a more beautiful, better made gown than that one. It was pure genius, but he'd rather have me dressed up like a puppet. 

Petruchio: Exactly. I wasn't going to have some tailor dress you up like a puppet, darling. 

Kate: Why are you twisting up my words? 

Ralph: I think that's not what she meant. 

Petruchio: Man, that tailor was pissing me off. 

Grumio: Oh, ho, ho! 

Petruchio: Oh, boy. He was so arrogant. What a flea, what a nit. He was a total winter cricket. He was coming into my house to defy me like that. I should have-- Oh! I should have measured him with his yardstick. Rough. 

Ralph: Well, and again, I'm just reporting here. The tailor was pretty clear that he was following directions, and that Grumio gave the order about how it should be done. 

Grumio: I gave him no order. I gave him the stuff. 

Ralph: But didn't you tell him something about how to make it? 

Grumio: He was supposed to make it with needle and thread, Ralph. I mean, how else are you supposed to make a dress? Am I right? 

Ralph: So, you didn't give him any instructions about the style? 

 

Grumio: I told him to cut out a gown. I didn't tell him to cut it to pieces. Ergo, that guy's a liar. 

Ralph: Well, but he claims he had written instructions from you. I have the note right here, actually. 

Petruchio: Oh, right. What does the note say, Rafe? 

Grumio: That note is lying through its teeth if it says I told them what kind of dress to make. 

Ralph: It says here first a loose-bodied gown. 

Grumio: Master, if I have ever in my life said the words loose-body gown, then sew me in the skirts and beat me to death with a bobbin of brown thread. I said a gown. 

Petruchio: There. Keep going. 

Ralph: Should have a small cape with a circular cut. 

Grumio: Hmm. I confess the cape. 

Ralph: With a trunk sleeve. 

Grumio: I told the guy two sleeves. 

Ralph: The sleeves curiously cut. 

Petruchio: Oh, see, right there. That's where I think things started to go wrong. 

Grumio: Error in the bill, sir. Error in the bill. 

Ralph: Are you saying the guy wrote it down wrong? 

Grumio: All I told you was that the sleeves should be cut out and sewed up again. 

Ralph: All you told me? I'm not the tailor. I'm just reading the note. 

Grumio: You want to step outside, buddy? 

Ralph: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! No, no. 

Grumio: All right, no uh, no, uh. Because we can't step outside. You think I'm afraid of you, and the thimble, and your little finger? 

Ralph: What? Could you please tell him that I'm not the tailor? I'm just reading the note. 

Grumio: I'm not joking around. Oh. You keep the note, I'll take the measuring stick, and we'll step outside. Huh, huh? 

Petruchio: Ooh, hoo, hoo! 

Grumio: Huh? 

Petruchio: All right, down boy. 

Grumio: Huh? 

Petruchio: Down boy. The point is, everyone, the dress was not for me. 

Grumio: Oh, of course it was not. It was for your mistress here. 

Kate: Yeah. 

Petruchio: So I told Grumio to remove it. 

Grumio: Did you hear that? He wanted me to remove my mistress's dress so he could wear it. What's that about? 

Petruchio: Don't worry, Rafe. I paid the tailor. We should get going, Kate. We have to get to your father's dressed as we usually are. We have money enough. It just won't seem like we do, but it's the mind that makes the body rich. Don't you agree, Rafe? 

Ralph: Well, actually I do. I would rather have a rich mind than a bunch of fancy clothes. 

Petruchio: And as the sun breaks through the darkest clouds, so honor appeareth in the meanest habit. 

Ralph: So honor too can shine through, no matter what people are wearing. I would agree with that, too. 

Petruchio: What, is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful? Or is the adder better than the eel because his painted skin contents the eye? No! Good Kate, neither art thou, for this poor furniture and mean array. 

Ralph: Did he just say that he doesn't like our furniture? 

Petruchio: So if you feel any shame, you just blame it on me, Kate. 

Kate: Oh, I do, I do. 

Petruchio: And therefore, relax, and be happy. Let's go enjoy ourselves at your father's house. Get everything ready, Grumio. I will get going. What is it, 7:00 in the morning? 

Ralph: Wait, really? Is it that early? 

Petruchio: So we should be there around, what, early lunch? 

Kate: I'm pretty sure it's almost 2:00. They'll be serving dinner by the time we get there. 

Petruchio: Well, it'll be 7:00 before I get on my horse! Why why do, why do you always contradict me? 

Kate: [LAUGHING] 

Petruchio: Why? No matter what I say, or think, or list, you're constantly going against it. Never mind. Grumio, I'm not going. And if I were to go, 

Kate: What? 

Petruchio: It'll be 7 o'clock or whatever time I say it is! 

Kate: No! Ooh, ooh! [SIGHING] [LAUGHING] 

Ralph: Looks like it's time for a break. 

Kate: Mm-hmm. 

Ralph: Thanks for joining us, everyone.