Sofia: Welcome back, everybody. And as we like to say in the business, meanwhile, back in Padua-- I'm joined today by-- let me get this straight. You, sir, are Lucentio, a suitor for Bianca, right? And you call yourself Litio, right? 

Hortensio as Litio: My name is Litio. Yes. I don't see what's so hard about that. 

Sofia: Sorry. I just want to make sure that we're keeping everyone straight. And you are a music teacher in the Minola household? 

Hortensio as Litio: Now that's correct. 

Sofia: The one who got the lute busted over his head, right? Oh, that was funny. I hope you're all right. 

Hortensio as Litio: I thought we we're here to talk about my news for Lucentio. 

Sofia: Of course. Now, what's happening exactly? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Litio was telling me that he thinks Bianca likes somebody besides me, but I wasn't buying it because, well, she seems totally into me. 

Hortensio as Litio: So to prove it to him, we snuck up on Bianca during one of her lessons with that so-called Latin teacher, Cambio. 

Sofia: Oh, right. I have the transcript of that conversation over here actually. Let's see. So Cambio is like, "Are you learning anything from what you're reading?" And Bianca says, "What are you reading? Tell me first." Sounds pretty normal for a conversation between a teacher and a student. 

Hortensio as Litio: Oh, keep going. Tell us what he's reading. 

Sofia: He says, "I'm reading what I make it my specialty to teach. It's a book called 'The Art to Love.'" OK. Well, that's a little sketchy. 

Hortensio as Litio: It's a little more than sketchy. Keep going. 

Sofia: Well, then she says, "And may you prove, sir, master of your art." Whoa. That is not subtle. She's basically saying, may you prove a master of the art of love. Or actually, maybe she's saying, may you prove a master at your art of teaching, which means he would be really good at teaching her the art of love. Hmm. Well, either way, she's flirting big time. 

Hortensio as Litio: And just to close my case, then he says-- 

Sofia: Well, then he says, "While you, sweet dear, prove mistress of my heart." Yep, pretty clear what's going on here. 

Hortensio as Litio: Hmm. Looks like she's getting her master's degree already, eh, bachelor? So tell me, do you still swear that your mistress, Bianca, loves nobody in the world as well as Lucentio? Ha! 

Sofia: Depends on who you mean by Lucentio. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, despiteful love, unconstant womankind. 

Sofia: Mmm. Heartbroken, I can tell. 

Tranio as Lucentio: How is this possible? 

Hortensio: Oh. I'm not Litio. And I don't even know how to play the lute. I'm just the one who's ashamed that I've lived in this disguise for the sake of a woman who could so easily ignore the intention of a gentleman like you, Lucentio, and make a god of a cullion like Cambio. 

Sofia: I'm sorry. A cullion? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, yeah-- a rascal? A despicable person. I think the word originally meant testicle. 

Sofia: Oh, dear. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Didn't it? 

Hortensio: Yeah, I think that's right. Or sack, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I think sack. 

Sofia: OK. I think we get it. We get the picture-- not picture. Don't picture it. What I'm saying is, the guy's a rascal. That's explanation enough. Man, you all really want people to stay in their lanes, don't you? All of a sudden you don't like fair, sweet Bianca because she's attracted to a schoolmaster instead of a gentleman like yourself? 

Hortensio: Well, yeah, exactly. I'm Hortensio, by the way. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Signor Hortensio? I have often heard of your pure affection for Bianca. But now that I see how lightly she approaches love, I will join your cause, if it's OK with you, and forswear Bianca and her love forever. 

Sofia: So, just to be clear for our audience, forswear is, like, to swear off or abandon. You're saying you're done pursuing Bianca. 

Tranio as Lucentio: What I'm saying is that I'm done pursuing Bianca forever. That's right. 

Hortensio: Signor Lucentio, here is my hand. And here I firmly vow never to woo her no more but do forswear her as one unworthy of all the former favors that I have fondly flattered her withal. 

Sofia: Yes. Her loss, I'm sure. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And here, I take the like unfeigned oath never to marry with her, though she would entreat. 

Sofia: Even if she begged you, huh? Couple of strong men, you are. 

Hortensio: If only everybody would forswear loving her. 

Sofia: You talking about Cambio? Maybe Gremio? 

Hortensio: And just so you both know, I have no trouble keeping my oath because three days from now I'll be married to a wealthy widow. 

Sofia: Um, sorry, what? You're getting married in three days? But you just dropped your love for Bianca. 

Hortensio: This woman has loved me for as long as I have loved that proud, disdainful, haggard Bianca. 

Sofia: Haggard? Isn't that what you call a wild female hawk that needs taming? 

Hortensio: That's right. 

Sofia: Interesting that you think Bianca needs taming. 

Hortensio: Farewell, Signor Lucentio. Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, shall win my love. 

Sofia: Ah, yes. I'm sure she's very kind, your wealthy widow. Thank you for joining us, everyone.