Grumio

Curse all worn-out horses, all crazy masters, all dirty roads! Has anyone ever been as beaten-up as I am? So defiled? So weary? I was sent ahead to make a fire, and Katherina and Petruchio will come along later to warm up. Now, if I weren’t so small and easy to heat up, my lips would freeze to my teeth, my tongue to the roof of my mouth, and my heart in my belly before I found a fire to thaw me. But as I make this fire, I’ll warm myself up. In this weather, a bigger man than I am would freeze. Hey, Curtis!

Curtis

Who calls me so coldly?

Grumio

A piece of ice. If you doubt me, believe me when I tell you that you could slide down from my shoulder to my heel, with nothing but a running start on my head and neck. Help me with the fire, good Curtis.

Curtis

Are my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

Grumio

Yes, Curtis, yes. So help with the fire. Don’t put any water on it.

Curtis

Is she a hot-headed shrew, like they say?

Grumio

She was, good Curtis, before it got so cold. But you know, winter tames man, woman, and beast. It’s tamed my old master, my new mistress, and myself, Curtis.

Curtis

Get away, you three-inch-tall fool. I’m not a beast.

Grumio

Oh, I’m just three inches? Well, your cuckold’s horn is a foot long, and I’m at least as long as that. Just make the fire, or I’ll complain to our mistress. She’s close at hand, so you’ll soon feel her hand. It’ll be cold comfort to you if you’re slow to complete this hot task.

Curtis

So, good Grumio, how goes the world?

Grumio

It’s a cold world, Curtis, for everyone but you. So make the fire, and do your duty. My master and mistress are almost frozen to death.

Curtis

The fire’s ready. So, Grumio, tell me the news.

Grumio

As they say, “Jack, boy! Ho! Boy!” That’s all the news you get.

Curtis

Oh, come on! Stop changing the subject. Enough with the tricks and catchy tunes.

Grumio

Well that’s why we need fire; what I’ve caught is a bad cold. Where’s the cook? Is dinner ready, is the house put in order, the floor covered, the cobwebs swept away? Are the servants in their new work clothes and white stockings? Is everyone dressed in their wedding clothes? Are the tablecloths laid out? Is everything in order?

Curtis

All ready. So please tell me the news.

Grumio

First, you must know, my horse is tired and my master and mistress have had a falling out.

Curtis

What do you mean?

Grumio

They’ve fallen out of their saddles and into the dirt. But that’s a story for another time.

Curtis

Let’s hear it, good Grumio.

Grumio

Okay, come close.

Curtis

Like this?

Grumio

[Cuffing him] Like that.

Curtis

I said let’s hear it, not feel it.

Grumio

But since you’ve felt it, it’s a sensible story. That slap was just to knock on your ear like a door, to get you to listen. Now I’ll begin. First, we were coming down a muddy hill, my master riding behind my mistress —

Curtis

Both on the same horse?

Grumio

What’s it to you?

Curtis

Well, it’s a horse.

Grumio

Fine then, you tell the story. If you hadn’t interrupted me, you would have heard how her horse fell and she fell under it. And you’d have heard how we were in such a swampy place that she got covered in mud; and how he left her there with the horse on top of her, and beat me up because her horse tripped; and how she waded through the mud to get him off me. And you would have heard how he swore, how she prayed — she, who had never prayed before! — how I shouted, how the horses ran away, how her reins snapped and I lost mine. You would have heard many other things worthy of reciting, which now will be lost forever, and you’ll go to your grave in ignorance.

Curtis

Based on that story, he’s more of a shrew than she is.

Grumio

Yes, you’ll all find that out when he gets home. But why are we talking about this? Bring in Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip, Walter, Sugarsop, and the others. Make sure they comb their hair, brush their blue coats, and that their socks match. Tell them to curtsy with their left legs forward — and not to touch a tail-hair on my master’s horse until they’ve kissed his hands. Are they ready?

Curtis

They are.

Grumio

Bring them out.

Curtis

Hey, did you hear that? You’ve got to meet my master to face my mistress.

Grumio

Why? She has a face of her own, you know.

Curtis

Everyone knows that.

Grumio

Everyone but you, it seems, if you need to face her husband to face her!

Curtis

I bring them out so that they can pay her respects.  

Grumio

Credit? She’s not trying to take out a loan.

Nathaniel

Welcome home, Grumio!

Philip

How’s it going, Grumio?

Joseph

What’s up, Grumio?

Nicholas

Hey, Grumio!

Nathaniel

How are you, old friend?

Grumio

Welcome, you — how’s it going, you — what’s up, you — and hey, you! So much for greetings. Now, my lively friends, is everything ready? Are all things neat?

Nathaniel

Everything is ready. When will our master get here?

Grumio

Very soon, any minute now. So don’t — Oh jeez, shut up! I can hear him.

Petruchio

Where are my servants? Nobody’s at the door to help me get down or to take my horse. Where is Nathaniel, or Gregory, or Philip?

All Servingmen

Here, here, and here, sir.

Petruchio

Here, sir, here sir, here, sir, here, sir! You blockheads! Filthy fools! Can I get no service? No respect? No sense of duty? And where’s the idiot I sent ahead of me?

Grumio

Here, sir, as idiotic as ever.

Petruchio

You country bumpkin! You ass, you son of a whore! Didn’t I tell you to meet me in the park, and to bring these fools with you?

Grumio

Well, sir, Nathaniel’s coat wasn’t fixed yet, and the heels on Gabriel’s shoes hadn’t been decorated yet. Peter’s hat wasn’t black, and Walter’s dagger had no sheath. The only ones who were ready were Adam, Ralph and Gregory. The rest were all ragged like beggars. But here they are; they’ve come to meet you as they are.

Petruchio

Go on, morons, get me some food.

[Singing] Where’s the life I used to lead? Where are those — Welcome, Kate. Sit down. —[Humming] Hmm hmm hmm hmm…

Well it’s about time! Oh, it’s all right, Kate. Take off my boots, you fools! Hurry up, idiots! [Singing] It was the friar wearing grey, as he kept walking on his way — Get out, moron! You’re hurting my foot. Take that! [He kicks the servant] And do better next time. Oh, Kate, don’t worry. Can I have some water over here?

Where’s my dog, Troilus? Hey you, go get my cousin Ferdinand. Oh, Kate, you’ve got to meet him. Where are my slippers? And can I get some water over here? Come wash your hands, Kate, make yourself at home. You bastard idiot! You’re just going to drop the water like that?

Katherina

Oh, come on, he didn’t mean to!

Petruchio

He’s a thick-headed bastard, a donkey-eared moron! Come sit, Kate — you must be starving. Would you like to say grace, sweet Kate? Or should I? What’s this, mutton?

Servingman

Yes.

Petruchio

Who brought it?

Peter

I did.

Petruchio

It’s burnt. And so is the rest of the meat. What scoundrels did this? Where’s that no-good cook? How dare you, rascals, bring this from the kitchen and serve it to me? Take it away! Plates, cups, and all! You disobedient blockheads, you disrespectful servants! Oh, you want to complain? I’ll show you…

Katherina

Please, husband, don’t get so upset. The meat would have been fine, if you had just accepted it.

Petruchio

I’m telling you, Kate, it was burned to a crisp. I’m not allowed to eat burned meat. Its heat and dryness causes anger. If the meat is so overcooked, I’d rather neither of us ate — since we’re both naturally angry people. Be patient, I’ll fix it tomorrow. For tonight, we’ll fast together; we can bond over it. Come on, I’ll bring you to your bedroom.

Nathaniel

Peter, have you ever seen anything like this?

Peter

He’s beating her at her own game.

Grumio

Where did he go?

Curtis

He’s in her bedroom, lecturing her on self-control. He’s ranting, and swearing, and berating her. Poor girl, she doesn’t know where to look or what to say. She just sits there, as if she’s just woken up from a dream. Shoo! He’s coming.

Petruchio

So I’ve cleverly begun my reign, which will hopefully end in success. My falcon of a wife is extremely hungry. I won’t let her eat her fill until I’ve trained her. That way, she’ll stay focused on my bait. I have one more way to train her, to make her come when I call: I’ll keep her awake, like we do with disobedient hawks. She hasn’t eaten or slept today, and she won’t tomorrow. Just like I did with the meat, I’ll pretend there’s something wrong with the bed. I’ll throw the pillow, the frame, the blankets and sheets all over the place. And all this I’ll do for her own good. Then she’ll have to stay awake all night. And if she starts nodding off, I’ll shout and make a big fuss, to keep her awake with the noise. That’s how you kill your wife with kindness. With this plan, I’ll rein in her surly, stubborn attitude. If anyone knows a better way to tame a shrew, he should speak up now.