Ralph: Welcome back, everyone. We were hoping to get a report on the wedding just as soon as it was over but so far, we only have Tranio in the studio. 

Tranio: Sofia told me to get over here. 

Ralph: Well, thanks for joining us. So how was it? 

Tranio: How was what? 

Ralph: The wedding. 

Tranio: Oh! I didn't go to that. I need to check in with Lucentio first. 

Ralph: Oh right, I guess the Petruchio/Kate marriage isn't the only courting drama we need to keep our eyes on. So how's the Bianca situation going? 

 

Tranio: I want to make sure Lucentio understands that Bianca's love won't be enough. We're going to need her father, Babtista's, approval, right? And for that to happen, as I've told him before, and I'm sure your audience understands, I need to find a man, any man, to pretend to be Lucentio's father. 

Ralph: Someone who will claim to be Vencentio of Pisa? 

Tranio: If we can get someone to do that, then he could offer even more wealth than we've already promised, so that Baptista will consent to Lucentio marrying his daughter. Now, I know, I've tried asking you already, but-- 

Ralph: Oh! Oh, no, no. Sorry. I'm just not allowed to do that. Besides, I'm an interviewer not an actor, they'd see right through me. But if I could just ask you a question. All this talk of dowers and dowries and deeds and wills, it's pretty serious stuff. And yet, you seem quite willing to lie about it. Doesn't that make you a little bit nervous? 

Tranio: No. This is for love, Ralph. And all that financial stuff can get sorted out later. The two fathers will be forced to work it out. Once you're married, you're married. A lot will still be up for negotiation, but the marriage itself, that's forever. 

Ralph: I guess I see what you mean. And actually, I have some information for you about what Lucentio's been thinking. Let's see here. Oh, yes, that's right. He tells you that he's a little bit worried that the other schoolmaster is after Bianca too. 

Tranio: Is that right? 

Ralph: Yes, and it's making him so worried that he's tempted to elope with Bianca and get married without her father's permission. Well, and then he says exactly what you've been saying about the permanence of marriage. "'Twere good, methinks, to steal our marriage"-- to elope-- "which, once performed, let all the world say no. I'll keep mine own, despite of all the world." 

Tranio: Exactly. Once you marry, there's no taking that back. No matter how much the world objects. So I guess I should be thinking about that option too. 

Ralph: About helping Lucentio and Bianca elope, if it comes to that? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Exactly. We'll do whatever it takes to get around Gremio, Minola, and Litio. All for my master's sake. Signor Gremio, are you coming from the church? 

Gremio: (OUT OF BREATH) Couldn't wait-- couldn't wait to get out of there. I haven't wanted to leave a place so badly since I was a schoolboy stuck in a classroom. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And are the bride and bridegroom coming back? 

Gremio: Bride groom, did you say? [CHUCKLES] He's a groom, all right. A grumbling groom! 

Ralph: A grumbling groom? 

 

Tranio as Lucentio: Gremio seems to have decided that Petruchio's not a gentleman like us. He's just a groom-- you know, an attendant. 

Gremio: A stable boy! And the girl is going to find that out soon enough. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, come on. I suppose you're going to tell us next that he's more cursed than she is. 

Gremio: Why, he's a devil, a devil, a very fiend. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Why she's a devil, a devil, the devil's dam. 

Gremio: Oh, no, she's a lamb. A dove, a child, compared to him. 

Ralph: Wow. That's saying a lot coming from you. What could have possibly happened to make you think that he's worse than she is? 

Gremio: When the priest got to the part where he asks if Katherine should be his wife, he yelled, "Ay, a by gogs- wouns!" Can you believe it? 

Ralph: By gogs- wouns? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Well, it means by God's wounds. You know, the wounds of our Lord Jesus Christ. But it's not in very good taste and it's something you wouldn't dare say in a church. So to say it during your wedding vows! 

Ralph: So just so I'm clear, this was at the point where Katherine was supposed to say yes, and Petruchio answered for her? 

Gremio: I'm not done yet. He swore so loud that the priest went into shock and dropped his Bible. And when he bent over to pick it up, the mad-brained bridegroom gave him such a whack, that down fell priest and book, and book and priest. (DEEP VOICE) "If anybody wants to help them up, go ahead," he said. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh! What did she say when he got back up? 

Gremio: She was trembling. I mean, he was stamping around and swearing as if the priest were trying to pull a fast one by not completing the marriage. Then after all sorts of complicated rituals, he calls for wine. "A toast!" he said, like a sailor with his mates after they survived a storm. And then he drank the wine like a shot, and threw the sops into the sexton's face. 

Ralph: I'm sorry, the sops? 

Tranio as Lucentio: You don't have that? The ceremonial wine of a wedding has a bit of cake at the bottom that soaks up some wine so you can eat it when you're done drinking. They're yummy. 

Gremio: He said the sexton's beard looks so thin and hungry that it seemed to beg him for the sops, so he threw them in the sexton's face, grabbed his bride by the neck, and kissed her with such a smack that it echoed throughout the church. So I came running out of there for shame. I'm sure the rest are on their way too. This has to be the craziest marriage there ever was. 

Ralph: Well, it sounds memorable anyway. I kind of wish I'd been there. Location filming is too expensive, they tell me. 

Gremio: I think I hear them coming.

Ralph: Oh, dear. Before they get here, let's take a quick break. 

Gremio: A quick break, I'm not getting any younger.