Sofia: Welcome back, everybody. We were kind of hoping this would be a fun interview, being the wedding day and all, but as it turns out, Petruchio still hasn't arrived at his own wedding. But since this no-show might turn out to be the story of the day, I thought we should go ahead and get started, if that's OK with you three. And just to remind our viewers, we're joined here today by Signor Baptista Minola, the father of the bride-to-be, maybe, and his daughter Katherina, who I'm just now noticing isn't in her bridal gown. Shouldn't you be dressed already? Petruchio still could show up any minute. 

Baptista: You may remember, Sofia, Petruchio promised to bring her the finest attire from Venice. 

Sofia: Oh, right. My bad. Sorry I brought that up. And then we have Lucentio, who hopes to be the suitor of Katherine's sister Bianca, once Katherine is married, but who has also been trying to keep our hopes up about Petruchio, who is, well, ridiculously late. Has anyone in the studio seen him? 

Baptista: What are people going to say? How humiliating will it be when the priest shows up to conduct the ceremonial rites of marriage, and we don't have a bridegroom? What do you think of the shame of ours, Lucentio? 

Kate: The shame is all mine. I mean, come on, I'm the one who's being forced to give my hand against my heart to this knuckle-brained moody brute who wooed in haste and means to wed at leisure. 

Sofia: Oh, I'd like that. I mean, I don't like that he's not here yet, I just like the way you put it-- who wooed in haste and means to wed at leisure. Sorry, you can keep going. 

Kate: I told you. I told you he was a frantic fool, pretending to be all direct and to the point to hide his cruel jokes, so that just for laughs, he'll woo a thousand. He'll set the date for the wedding. He'll invite the friends and make all the announcements, yet never means to wed where he had wooed. 

Now, all the world gets the point at me, poor Katherine, and say, whoa, there's mad crazy Petruchio's wife. If it would please him come in and marry her. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Hang in there, Katherine. You too, Baptista. He promised to be here, so there must be some good reason why he's not. I swear on my life that Petruchio only has the best intentions. He can be a little rough around the edges, but he's a smart guy. Though it's true he loves a good joke, he's honorable. 

Sofia: Well, I mean, since we're waiting anyway, I actually have a couple of questions for you, Katherine, that I think our audience would love to hear you answer. And I don't be rude or anything, but the stuff you just said was a little confusing just now. You must feel terribly embarrassed, ashamed even. I get it. But if you feel like you're being forced to marry this guy, forced to give your hand against your heart, you said, then isn't it good news that he didn't show up? 

Baptista: Sofia. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Yeah, come on. 

Sofia: I'm talking to Katherine, woman to woman, so just butt out. Like I was saying, if you've been rushed into this and you think this guy's a nut, then maybe this no-show is God's way of looking out for you. Although, now that I think about it, maybe that's what you're really thinking, and I just blew your cover. And if that's the case, I am terribly sorry. But I also feel like there's this other possibility, that just maybe-- and I admit, I'm totally speculating here-- it's possible that you kind of like this guy. You see he might be crazy in the same way that you're a little crazy. I can say that about you, right? And so, even though you're sitting here calling him all sorts of names and cursing him up and down for treating you like this, when you saw it coming from a mile away, and nobody listened to you, what you're really feeling inside is, well, you're hurt. You're in pain, girl. You got excited about this guy, although you wouldn't really let yourself show it, and now he stood you up. And that sucks. It really hurts. So which is it? 

Kate: I wish I'd never seen him. 

Sofia: Oh, I didn't mean for that to happen. 

Baptista: She's not easy to figure out, Sofia. But I can't blame her for crying now. Someone with the patience of a saint would find this frustrating. Someone as impatient as my daughter can't be expected to keep it all inside. 

Biondello: Master, master, lady-- news, something so new you've never heard it before. 

Baptista: But it sounds like you've heard it before, so it must be old news, because you already know it. So how can it be new and old at the same time? 

Biondello: So is it not news to hear that Petruchio's coming? 

Baptista: Is he here? 

Biondello: No. 

Baptista: Then what do you mean? 

Biondello: He's coming. 

Baptista: When will he be here? 

Biondello: When will he be here? When he's sitting where I am now and sees you there. 

Sofia: He's got a point. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Tell us the old news. Back it up a bit. 

Biondello: Petruchio is coming. He's got a new hat and an old jacket thing, and his pants are pretty messed up-- a pair of boots from the dump, one buckled, the other laced-- an old rusty sword-- oh, and his horse is a mess. It's got some dislocated hip or something. The saddle's falling apart, stirrups don't match. Oh, and the horse itself, possessed with the glanders and like to mose in the chine. 

Sofia: I didn't understand a word of that last part. 

Biondello: Possessed with the glanders and like to mose in the chine? 

Baptista: Glanders-- you know, a swelling under the jaw, and lots of snot. 

Sofia: Sorry I asked. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And mose in the chine is like a-- it's kind of a rotting spine sort of a thing. 

Sofia: Feel a little queasy. 

Biondello: Troubled with the lampass too. 

Sofia: I'm not sure I really want to know what that means, but it's kind of my duty as a journalist. 

Baptista: You don't see the lampass too often. It's swelling in the roof of the mouth. 

Sofia: How would he even see that? 

Baptista: It creates this disgusting film on the teeth. 

Biondello: Infected with the fashions. 

Sofia: Infected with the fashions, that doesn't sound too bad. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Growths, like tumors on the skin, creeping ulcers. 

Biondello: Full of windgalls. 

Sofia: Oh, come on now. He's just making stuff up. 

Tranio: That's not so bad actually, just some swelling above the leg joint. 

Biondello: Sped with spavins. 

Baptista: Oh, dear. Worse than windgalls, I'm afraid. Some of the leg joints just don't work at all. Its spavins are sped. 

Sofia: You know what? The horse is in bad shape. We get it. So as the interviewer in charge-- 

Biondello: Rayed with the yellows. Jaundice. 

Baptista: Didn't see that one coming. 

Sofia: OK, everybody, listen up. You two seem strangely interested in all of this horse business. Maybe it's because horses are such a big part of your everyday lives. I personally hardly ever see one, so either we can skip the rest of this description of a horse and get back to the story about, oh, I don't know, the wedding, or we can let him finish, and you don't need to give me any more explanations. People can look it up at home. So what's it going to be? 

Tranio as Lucentio: It is kind of fascinating. 

Baptista: Got to know if there's more. 

Biondello: Past cure of the fives, stark spoiled with the staggers, begnawn with the bots, swayed in the back and shoulder-shotten, near-legged before. 

Baptista: Near-legged before? 

Tranio as Lucentio: He must mean behind. 

Biondello: And with a half-checked bit and headstall of sheep's leather, which, being restrained to keep him from stumbling, hath been often burst, and now repaired with knots. 

Baptista: Amazing. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Never heard anything like it. Very thorough, Biondello. Good job. 

Sofia: Is this horse coming to the studio? Because if it is, we should really get a vet. 

Baptista: Is anybody with him? 

Biondello: His lackey, who is decked out like the horse. Looks like a monster, if you ask me. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Petruchio must really be in a strange mood, if they're coming here looking like that. Although, he's never been one for dressing up nice. 

Baptista: I'm just glad he's coming, no matter how it looks. 

Biondello: Oh, sir, he's not coming. 

Baptista: Didn't you just say he's coming? 

Biondello: Who, that Petruchio's coming? 

Baptista: Yes, that Petruchio is coming? 

Biondello: No, sir. I said his horse is coming. Petruchio is on his back. 

Baptista: That is the same thing. 

Biondello: Nay. By Saint Jamy, I hold you a penny, a horse and a man is more than one, and yet not many. 

Petruchio: Hello? Where is everybody? 

Sofia: Well, speak of the devil. 

Baptista: Welcome, sir. 

Petruchio: And to you, but there was no one at the door to welcome me. 

Baptista: Didn't seem to stop you though, did it? 

Tranio as Lucentio: And you are not dressed as nicely as I wish you were. 

Petruchio: Well, isn't it better that I get here as fast as I can, regardless of what I'm wearing? No? Well, where's Kate? Where's my lovely bride? How you doing, pop? You look a little frightened, frowning, like you've seen a ghost. 

Baptista: You know this is your wedding day? First, we were sad, because it looked like you weren't going to show up. Now, we're sadder, because you show up looking like this. Get out of those ridiculous clothes. Call yourself a gentleman. You should be ashamed of yourself. You've been nothing but an eyesore at your own marriage ceremony. 

Tranio as Lucentio: So what was so important that you would keep your wife waiting on her wedding day, and show up like this? 

Petruchio: Well, that's a long story. And trust me, you definitely don't want to hear it. But the important thing is that I'm here, yes, to keep my promise to all of you and to Kate. Regardless of what I'm wearing, it's me she's marrying, not my clothes, right? One day I'll tell you all about it and you'll forgive me for it, trust me. But where is she? We should really get going to the church. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, come on, you can't go like that. You can wear some of my clothes. 

Petruchio: Oh, no, no. I'll go like this. 

Baptista: Don't tell me you're going to marry her dressed like that. 

Petruchio: Absolutely, exactly like this. Come on, I said once, I'll say it again-- it's me she's marrying, not my clothes. No? And besides, when she wears me out on our wedding night, you're really going to wish that I could recover as fastly as changing some chaps, a codpiece, a little sword here. 

Biondello: [CHUCKLING] 

Baptista: Shut up. 

Petruchio: Anyway, why am I chatting with you guys? I need to go see my beautiful, beautiful wife, seal the title with a loving kiss. Is it camera two? 

Sofia: You know, the more I see him, the less I understand him. 

Tranio as Lucentio: He's doing this on purpose. For some reason, I think we can still convince him to put on something else before he goes to church. 

Baptista: I'll go and give it a try, God help us. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Actually, Sofia, I was hoping to update Lucentio on something, you know, about Bianca and all that. 

Sofia: Oh, right. There's more than one love story we're tracking. Let's see. Yes, Ralph's actually got that interview. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, OK. 

Sofia: So if you want to get Lucentio updated, you're going to have to hustle over to Ralph's studio. Let's look out to camera two.