Ralph: Welcome back, everyone and thanks so much for stopping by. So I'm sure our audience will remember that you, Bianca, have been provided with some tutors by your father, though, with the help of his friends, Gremio and Hortensio, who found the tutors in the first place. But before we hear how it's been going, I just had a quick question about this whole tutoring business. So Bianca, you are a well-raised young woman, you've had a fair amount of schooling already. So is this tutoring for the sake of continuing those studies or, you know, just to get better at these things? 

Bianca: Oh my. Did you just say that I must have had a fair amount of schooling by now? 

Ralph: Well, yeah. I mean-- 

Lucentio as Cambio: Girls don't go to school. 

Ralph: Don't go to school? Well, no, I'm just talking about when they're young, when they go to, what do you call it, to grammar school. 

Hortensio as Litio: Only boys go to grammar school. 

Ralph: Only boys go to school? 

Hortensio as Litio: Well sure, I mean, you know, reading, writing, math, it's really only men who are going to need those skills later in life. 

Ralph: You guys are serious? 

Bianca: Well sure, Ralph. I mean, once I have a husband I'll be provided for. Why would I need to know reading, writing or math? You only need those things to do business. 

Ralph: They're not just for business. What about-- what about the Bible? That's an important book for all of you. You've got to know how to read to read the Bible. 

Bianca: Oh goodness, no. That's what priests are for. 

Lucentio as Cambio: But luckily for me, wealthy families will often hire some private tutors for their daughters just so, you know, so they can be a little cultured. 

Hortensio as Litio: That's right. It's always impressive if a woman can recite a little poem or play a little something on the lute. Precisely because she is not allowed to go to school, so it's kind of neat when a woman can do something like that. 

Ralph: Kind of neat? My goodness, so many questions I'd like to ask about that but I guess we should stick to the story. We just wanted to check on how all the tutoring was going. 

Bianca: Oh, we've barely started. 

Ralph: Oh, sorry. I guess we brought you here too soon. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Well that's because Mr. Fiddler over here won't back off. I think he's forgotten how Katherine welcomed him at her lesson. 

Ralph: Oh. You mean by breaking the lute over his head? Though it looks like you've got a new one. 

Hortensio as Litio: What testy tutor here doesn't seem to understand is that we are in the presence of the goddess of heavenly harmony, unlike her sister, so it's music that should come first. And when her music lesson is over in an hour or so, then he can have leave to have his lecture on whatever is in those little books of his. 

Lucentio as Cambio: That's putting things totally out of order, you ass. if you knew how to read anything yourself, you would already know the true purpose of music, right Ralph? 

Ralph: Oh, uh, I'm not sure. What is music for? 

Lucentio as Cambio: The purpose of music is to refresh the mind of man after his studies or after a long day of work. So we should be starting with her philosophy studies, and then while I take a break, you can chitchat on about harmony. 

Hortensio as Litio: I am getting a little sick and tired of your comments. 

Bianca: Gentlemen! 

Lucentio as Cambio: (SARCASTICALLY) Sick and tired. 

Bianca: You are both doing me wrong by fighting about what should be my choice. 

Ralph: Oh, good. Well it's nice to know that you have at least some control over your education. 

Bianca: I'm not some poor pupil in a classroom who could be flogged for misbehaving. I'm not going to be put on your schedules, but learn my lessons as I please myself. Now, to put an end to this argument I want you to take your instrument over there. I'm sure his Latin lecture will be done before you have it tuned. 

Hortensio as Litio: So you'll stop his lesson when I'm in tune. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Dude, you will never be in tune. But maybe you can tune your instrument. Bye bye. 

Bianca: Would you mind, Ralph, if we just continue our Latin lesson here? 

Ralph: Oh, no, go right ahead. A Latin lesson, wonderful. I'm sure our audience will find that very interesting. 

Bianca: Now, where were we? 

Lucentio as Cambio: Uh, right here. [CLEARS THROAT] [SPEAKING LATIN] 'Hic ibat Simois; hic est Sigeia tellus; Hic steterat Priami regia celsa senis.' 

Bianca: So how would you construe that? 

Ralph: Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try not to interrupt too much, but what did you mean by construe that? 

Lucentio as Cambio: Oh, she just means how would you say that in English? 

Bianca: Learning Latin is a lot about translations, and there's a lot of different possibilities when it comes to translating something. So I'm just curious to see how he would do it. 

Ralph: Got it. Say no more. Construe away. 

Lucentio as Cambio: 'Hic ibat,' As I told you before, 'Simois,', I am Lucentio. 

Ralph: Wait, what? The Latin says, I am Lucentio? 

Lucentio as Cambio: [WHISPERING] Ralph! Come on. 

Ralph: Sorry. 

Lucentio as Cambio: 'hic est,' Son unto Vencentio of Pisa. 'Sigeia tellus,' disguise thus to get your love. 

Ralph: OK, I see what's going on here. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Hic steterat,' And that look Lucentio that comes wooing. 'Priami,' Is my man, Tranio. 'regia,' Who's dressed like me. 'celsa senis,' So we can fool the old pantaloon. 

Ralph: The old pantaloon? Oh, you mean Gremio? 

Hortensio as Litio: Madam, my instrument is in tune. 

Bianca: Let me hear it. Oh! The treble isn't right. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Better keep trying. Try spitting in the hole. 

Ralph: Spit in the hole? 

Bianca: Now let me see if I can construe it. 

Ralph: Something tells me your version is going to be very different. 

Bianca: 'Hic Ibat Simois,' I know you not. 'hic est Sigeia tellus,' I trust you not. 'Hic steterat Priami,' Take heed, he hear us not. 'regia,' Presume not. 'celsa senis,' Despair not. 

Ralph: Well, isn't it amazing how the same passage of Latin could produce such different translations? 

Hortensio as Litio: Madam, now it's in tune. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Oh, yeah, everything but the bass. 

Hortensio as Litio: The bass is fine. It's the base knave that's the problem. 

Ralph: I'm sorry, base knave? 

Lucentio as Cambio: He means me. 

Hortensio as Litio: I hope you're watching what's going on here. 

Lucentio as Cambio: I think you were saying, despair not? 

Bianca: You have to give me some time. I can't help but be suspicious. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Don't be suspicious. For Aeacides was Ajax because that's what his grandfather called him. 

Bianca: Well, I would want to continue emphasizing my doubts. But since you the teacher, I'll let it go for now. 

Bianca: OK, Litio, it's your turn. I hope you don't take it wrong that I've been so playful with you both. 

Hortensio as Litio: You should take a hike. Let me have my turn. The music we're going to play here is only for two people. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Well, aren't you strict. Fine, I'll take a break. 

Hortensio as Litio: Bye bye. Madam, before you touch the instrument to learn exactly the order of where to put your fingers-- 

Ralph: Whoa. Oh my goodness. 

Hortensio as Litio: You keep out of this. 

Ralph: Sorry. 

Hortensio as Litio: As I was saying, before we get to the instrument we should start at the very beginning. And to help you remember your scales, I've come up with this special technique, better than anything you've ever seen before. And it's written down right here. 

Bianca: I learned my scales a long time ago. 

Hotensio as Litio: But these are the scales of Hortensio. 

Bianca: Hortensio? 

Ralph: Yep. 

Bianca: Gamut. I am the ground of all accord. A re. To plead Hortensio's passion. B mi. Bianca, take him for thy lord. C fa ut. That loves with all affection. D sol re. One clef, two notes have I. E la mi. Show pity or I die. This is how you want me to learn my scales? I don't think I like it. I think I prefer the old-fashioned way. 

Ralph: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's at this moment that a servant arrives with some pretty big news. Your father wants you to come right away. He wants you to come help your sister, whose wedding day is tomorrow. 

Bianca: I better go. Goodbye, sweet Masters. You too, Ralph. 

Ralph: Oh, well, yeah. I-- I guess you'd better go. Yes. 

Lucentio as Cambio: Doesn't look like I have any reason to stick around. 

Hortensio as Litio: Hey look, I don't trust that guy. Looked to me like he was in love with her. And if she's just going to allow just anybody to flirt with her-- 

Ralph: You mean because he's just a tutor? 

Hortensio as Litio: Well then, anybody can have her as far as I'm concerned. If once I find the ranging-- 

Ralph: Find her ranging? Oh, you mean if you find out that she's interested in other men. 

Hortensio as Litio: --then I'm going to find someone new for myself. 

Ralph: Wow. Well, so much for his love for fair Bianca. Thanks for joining us everyone.