Ralph: Welcome back, everyone. So gentlemen, thanks for coming back to chat. Just to remind our audience, we've just had the big meeting at the household of Baptista Minola. 

Gremio: Where I provided him with a private tutor for the fair Bianca, let's not forget. 

Ralph: That's right. And Petruchio brought Baptista a tutor, as well-- a music teacher, I believe it was. 

Gremio: Yeah. That turned out well. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And I brought some books for his daughters to use. A small token, I know. 

Gremio: Yeah, well said. A small token. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Small, but necessary. I didn't see your tutor carrying any books. 

Gremio: He has books. His servant was carrying them. And a lute. But books and instruments, that's the easy part. 

Ralph: Well, anyway, gentlemen, we're just getting folks caught up here. The big news, of course, was the new guys on the scene. Of course, you, Lucentio, presenting yourself as a new suitor to Bianca, having just shown up from out of town. 

Gremio: Should go back where he came from. 

Tranio as Lucentio: I'm sorry? 

Ralph: And perhaps even bigger news, since you both could stand to benefit from it, was the other new guy, Petruchio, who presented himself as a suitor to Kate, which is a big surprise to most people because everyone thinks Kate is so hard to be around. She's a shrew, as you call her in these parts. But this guy says that won't bother him one bit. Now-- and you two know this well, of course, but just to keep things clear for our audience-- Baptista isn't letting any of the suitors near Bianca until his older daughter, Katherine, is married off first. So you're not only surprised that this Petruchio guy could be interested in a woman like Katherine, you're also hoping that he'll marry her so that all of you can get back to wooing Bianca. Am I getting all of this right? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Well done, Ralph. 

Gremio: If we could just move things along 

Ralph: OK. Of course, yes. So then the tutors go off to tutor, Kate gets sent off to talk to Petruchio, and the two of you go for a walk in the garden with Baptista. And I don't think I have any record of what you all talked about on that walk. 

Gremio: Ah, a bunch of idle chitchat, as far as I'm concerned. Until Bianca is able to receive suitors again, we're just killing time. 

Ralph: Well, the next thing I do know about is when Baptista goes to check on Petruchio and Katherine. 

Gremio: Oh, I want to be there for that. Can I tag along? 

Ralph: Well, you both do, in fact. 

Gremio: And? 

Ralph: Oh, well, let's see here. It's a little confusing. Petruchio claims that everything is going really well with Katherine. 

Gremio: That's a little hard to believe. 

Ralph: Well, but then Katherine snaps at her dad to say that she can't believe her father would want her to marry a half lunatic like this guy. 

Gremio: That sounds more like it. Oh, well. Too bad for us, but no big surprise. 

Ralph: But wait, then Petruchio claims that Katherine is just putting on a show when she acts like that. He claims that she's not really a shrew at all in private and that he finds her to be the most patient and chaste woman he's ever met. 

Gremio: Putting on a show? The most chaste and patient woman he's ever met? 

Ralph: That's what he says. And then-- wow-- and then he says they'll be getting married on Sunday. 

Gremio: No, I don't believe it. 

Ralph: Oh, wait. Sorry. I should look a little ahead in my notes here. Then Katherine says she'll see him hanged on Sunday before anything like a wedding could happen. 

Gremio: This is getting very confusing, Ralph. 

Ralph: I know. I'm sorry. I'm confused, too. 

Gremio: Did Petruchio hear her say that she'd rather see him hanged? 

Tranio as Lucentio: And Petruchio said it was going well. We've got to stop getting our hopes up. 

Gremio: How's Baptista reacting to all of this? 

Ralph: Well, so first, Petruchio sticks to his story. He claims that he and Kate-- he calls her Kate-- they got along fantastically when they were alone, and as long as the two of them are happy, it shouldn't matter to all of you. And then he says he's off to Venice to buy stuff for the wedding. He tells Baptista to prepare the wedding party and invite the guests. Wow. 

Gremio: And Baptista? 

Ralph: Oh, right. Well, he says he can hardly believe it, but he takes their hands, wishes them joy, and calls it a match. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Ah-men. 

Gremio: Ah-men, indeed. And witnessed. 

Ralph: I'm sorry. Witnessed? 

Gremio: We two saw it. That makes it official. 

Ralph: Well, yes. It really does seem to be the plan. So Petruchio heads out. And let's see-- well, and Kate leaves without a word. I wonder what she's thinking. 

Baptista: So sorry I'm running late, gentlemen. 

Gremio: Here's the man of the hour. Have you ever seen a marriage come together so quickly? 

Gremio: I know. I was just saying to Sofia, it feels like I'm entering into a very risky business deal. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Well, that merchandise was starting to get a little old. 

Ralph: Merchandise? Oh, you mean Katherine. Merchandise? Really? 

Tranio as Lucentio: You're either going to hit the lottery or lose everything. 

Baptista: The only thing I'm hoping to gain is a quiet match. 

Ralph: You just want them to be happily married. 

Baptista: Exactly, Ralph. 

Gremio: Well, now we can talk properly about Bianca. 

Ralph: Well, you don't waste any time, do you? 

Gremio: I'm your neighbor, Baptista. And I was her first suitor. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And I am one that loves Bianca more than words can witness or your thoughts can guess. 

Gremio: Listen to me, youngster, there's no way you could love her as much as I do. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Given your age, I would have thought your love runs too cold. 

Gremio: And yours runs too hot. Don't skip your place in line. Stand back. It's age that can well provide for her future. 

Tranio as Lucentio: But youth is what the ladies really want. 

Baptista: All right, gentlemen. Take it easy. I need you to start arguing about what's really important here. It's deeds must win the prize, not words. 

Ralph: I assume you're talking about the finances. 

Baptista: Absolutely, Ralph. And whichever of these two gentlemen can assure my daughter the greatest dower will get my Bianca's love. 

Ralph: Dower. So I know the term "dowry," which is the money a woman brings to a marriage, which here would be provided by you, Baptista, as her father. 

Baptista: That's right. And the dower is what will be deeded in the marriage contract to my daughter as a wife if her husband were to drop dead. 

Ralph: Ah. So when you say it's deeds that will win the prize, you really meant the deeds. 

Baptista: Signor Gremio, what can you assure her? 

Gremio: First, as you know, my house within the city is richly furnished with plate and gold, basins and ewers to lave her dainty hands, my hangings all of Tyrian tapestry. In ivory coffers I have stuffed my crowns, in cypress chests, my arras counterpoints, costly apparel, tents, and canopies, fine linen, Turkey cushions bossed with pearl, valence of Venice gold in needlework, pewter and brass and all things that belong to house and housekeeping. Then, at my farm, I have a hundred milch-kine to the pail, six score fat oxen standing in my stalls, and all things answerable to this portion. 

Ralph: My goodness, I can't say I know what all of that is, but it certainly sounds like you've got a lot of nice stuff. 

Gremio: Look, I know. I'm old. I understand that might work against me. But if I die tomorrow, all of these things will be hers if only, while I'm still alive, she'll be my wife. 

Tranio as Lucentio: If only? If only? That "if only" is well said. Now it's my turn. I am my father's heir and only son. If I may have your daughter for my wife, I will leave her three or four houses in Pisa as good as the one Signor Gremio has in Padua. I will also leave for the 2,000 ducats of profit that come from my lands every year. 

Ralph: I'm sorry. Ducats? 

Baptista: You use dollars, right? 

Ralph: That's right. 

Baptista: So that's about $400,000 per year. 

Ralph: Wow. 

Tranio as Lucentio: What's the matter, Signor Gremio? Did someone pinch you? 

Gremio: 2,000 ducats per year? All my lands together don't amount to that much. But I will leave her all of my land and my argosy. 

Baptista: Oh, well. 

Ralph: Argosy? 

Baptista: That's a very large merchant ship-- quite valuable. 

Gremio: It's currently docked in Marseilles. What's the matter? Got an argosy stuck in your throat? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Gremio, everybody knows my father owns three great argosies as well as two galliasses. 

Ralph: Uh, galliasses? I'm almost afraid to ask. 

Baptista: A galliass is a small, heavy ship used to protect an argosy. 

Tranio as Lucentio: As well as 12 galleys, all in perfect shape. 

Ralph: That's another kind of ship, I take it. 

Baptista: That's right. A very useful type. 

Tranio as Lucentio: And I can guarantee that all of them will become hers if I should die as her husband-- as well as double the amount of whatever he offers next. 

Gremio: I've offered everything I have. There's nothing left. And she can have no more than all I have. But if you like me, she shall have all that's mine. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Well, then, she's mine. You've been outbid. And Baptista promised her to the highest bidder. 

Ralph: The deeds must win the prize, he said. 

Baptista: It's true that you have offered the most. And I'm going to need to hear from your father first. After all, it's really his stuff that you've been offering. So if you were to die before your father, what would my daughter get then? 

Ralph: That's a good point. You can't promise away what isn't yours yet. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Oh, come on. My father is old, and I'm young. It's going to be my stuff eventually. 

Gremio: Oh, don't young people die just as much as old people do? 

Baptista: Well, gentlemen, it's settled. On Sunday, my daughter, Katherine, is to be married. And on the Sunday following, Bianca will be married to you, Lucentio, if you can assure her dower from your father. And if not, to Signor Gremio. Thank you, both. Goodbye. 

Ralph: Oh, I'd like to just ask a few more questions. There wasn't any mention of what Bianca would want. 

Gremio: See you later, good neighbor. I'm not afraid of you, playing all fast and loose like a young gambler. Do you think your father is going to give you everything he's got and live out his old age as a guest in your house? Ha! An old Italian fox would never be that nice, my boy. 

Ralph: Why is everybody leaving? Is this how business deals usually go? I guess that just leaves us. How are you doing? 

Tranio as Lucentio: Screw him and his crafty, withered hide. 

Ralph: Whoa. So Tranio, you talked a pretty big game there for not even being the real Lucentio. Not only was Lucentio promising his father's money, but it was Tranio making promises for Lucentio. 

Tranio as Lucentio: Look, it's my job to get my master what he wants. 

Ralph: Yeah, but now what? How is fake Lucentio going to get Lucentio's father, Vincentio, to guarantee the dower? 

Tranio as Lucentio: I guess fake Lucentio is going to have to create a fake Vincentio, which is funny when you think about it. Fathers usually create their children. But in this case of wooing, a child must create a father. I better get to work on that. Hey, you wouldn't happen to want to-- 

Ralph: Oh. Oh, no. Sorry. Noninterference policy.