Ralph: Welcome back, everyone. And welcome to the show, gentlemen. It's so great to have you both here. 

Petruchio: It's a pleasure to be here. 

Grumio: Likewise. 

Ralph: So you, sir, are Petruchio. Am I saying that right? Petruchio with a with a CH sound? 

Petruchio: That's right. Well done. Some people say Pe-tru-ki-oh, but honestly, Pe-tru-chi-oh is what I prefer. And you are Rafe? Ralph? 

Ralph: Ralph, Ralph. Thank you. Yes. And this gentleman here? 

Petruchio: Well, I'm the gentleman, of course. This is my man, Grumio. 

Ralph: Your man? 

Petruchio: He's like my servant. He works in my household. He's like a personal assistant. 

Ralph: Oh, right. And well, if you don't mind my bringing this up, that's kind of why the two of you just got into an argument. 

Petruchio: Oh, well, so you heard about that? 

Ralph: I think we all heard it. 

Petruchio: Well, I can explain. You see, we just left Verona, my hometown, and arrived here in Padua to visit my friends, but of all, my best beloved and approved friend, Hortensio. So when we got to his front door-- and this is where the personal assistant business comes in-- I asked Grumio here to knock. 

Grumio: Knock, sir? Are we doing this again? You want me to knock this guy? Has he rebused your worship? 

Ralph: I'm sorry, rebused? 

Grumio: You know, rebused? 

Ralph: I'm not sure that's even a word. 

Petruchio: It's not. I think he just made it up. 

Ralph: Oh, dear. He does seem to get things confused. 

Petruchio: Anyway, I repeated my request then. Knock me here soundly, I said. 

Grumio: Knock you here, sir? Why would I do a thing like that? 

Ralph: Actually, I do see how that could be a little bit confusing the way you said it, knock me here. 

Petruchio: Oh, I think there's nothing wrong with saying it that way. He should know what I mean. 

Ralph: Well, I like what you said next. It's kind of like a little poem. Would you mind? 

Petruchio: Not at all. Villain, I say, knock me at this gate, and rap me well, or I'll knock your knave's pate. Hey, that is like a little poem. 

Grumio: My master is getting quarrelsome, but if I were to knock first, I know who would get the worst. 

Ralph: Hey, he made a little rhyme there too. 

Grumio: Huh? 

Ralph: First, worst. 

Grumio: What's this guy talking about? 

Petruchio: You can see how I wasn't getting anywhere. So I decided to write another little poem. 

Ralph: Oh, that one. We don't really need to-- 

Petruchio: Faith, sirrah, and you'll not knock, I'll ring it. I'll try how you can sol, fa, and sing it. 

Grumio: Ow! Help me. My master is mad. 

Ralph: Oh, dear. OK, we can stop. We can stop. I didn't actually mean for us to relive the whole thing. But since you did say it, I'll just have to ask-- I'll try how you can sol-fa and sing it. sol, fa,? 

Petruchio: Well, you know, like singing your scales. Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do. To sol, fa, is to sing a scale. 

Ralph: I see. And so you were going to make him sing by, well, pulling his ear. 

Petruchio: It's effective. 

Ralph: Well, so it's at that moment, actually, that Hortensio opens the door and greets the two of you as the old friends that you are. 

Petruchio: Ah, so this is his place. Oh, now I get it. Hortensio came to the door because Grumio's screaming was kind of like a doorbell. So you did ring it. That's very clever. 

Grumio: Call this clever, do you? 

Ralph: He probably thought he heard a fight on the street or something, and came to break it up. 

Ralph: Oh, that's right. Come you two part of the fray, you ask him. 

Petruchio: Ah Hortensio, Con tutti le core bene trobatto, may I say? 

Ralph: Well, look at you. A little bit of Italian. 

Petruchio: We are in Padua, after all. 

Grumio: Are talking about me? 

Ralph: Well, Hortensio answers back in Italian, and then he offers to help settle the argument between the two of you. 

Gremio: He can claim whatever he wants to in Latin. 

Petruchio: It's Italian. 

Ralph: It's Italian, actually. 

Grumio: Whatever. Surely this is cause for me to leave his service. 

Ralph: You want to quit your job as his servant? 

Grumio: Well, yeah. You heard him. He wanted me to knock him, to rap him soundly. Is that any way for a servant to treat his master? I think he must be drunk. I wish I had knocked him first, then maybe I wouldn't have gotten the worst. 

Petruchio: Senseless villain. 

Ralph: Villain? He might be a little confused, but he doesn't seem like an evil guy to me. 

Grumio: Thank you, Ralph. 

Petruchio: Villain doesn't mean just evil. Well, he didn't have the best upbringing. 

Grumio: Oh, and thank you, master. 

Petruchio: Look, all I need is Hortensio to know that I wanted this rascal to knock on his gate, and could not get him for my life to do it. 

Grumio: Knock on the gate? You wanted me to knock on the gate? Oh, heavens, didn't you say exact words, knock me here, rap me here, knock me well, knock me soundly? 

Ralph: That is a little confusing. 

Grumio: And now you say knock on the gate? 

Petruchio: Leave now, or shut up. That is my advice to you. 

Ralph: Well, so it says here that Hortensio chimes in to vouch for Grumio, your trusty pleasant servant Grumio, as he calls him. And he wants to know what happy gale blew you to Padua from old Verona. That's a nice way to put it. What happy gale has blown you to town? What does bring you to town, Petruchio? 

Petruchio: Such wind as scatters young men through the world to seek their fortunes farther than at home. To put it briefly, Antonio, my father, died. 

Ralph: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 

Petruchio: It's all right. Thank you. So I have thrust myself into this maze of life. 

Ralph: Maze of life? I like that. It is hard to figure out sometimes, life. 

Petruchio: Yes. And with some luck, to wive and thrive as best I may. 

Ralph: Wive and thrive? So you're also looking to get married? 

Petruchio: I have money in my pocket and my house is in order, so might as well travel the world and see what happens. 

Ralph: Well, it's funny that you bring up this marriage business, because Hortensio actually suggests a possible bride for you. 

Petruchio: Really? 

Ralph: Though he quickly adds that she's shrewish and rather unpleasant, so he wouldn't necessarily be doing you a favor. Although he can promise you she's rich. 

Petruchio: She's rich? 

Ralph: Yes, very rich. But he says that you're too much of a good friend for him to recommend her to you. 

Petruchio: He must not know that wealth is burden of my wooing dance. 

Ralph: I'm afraid you're going to have to help me with that one. Burden of your wooing dance? 

Petruchio: Oh, you know, burden. It's the undersong, like the bass line in music. 

Ralph: I see. So if wealth is the burden of your wooing song, that means there's not going to be any wooing at all, if wealth isn't there from the start. 

Petruchio: I'm saying more than that, Ralph. A bass line is all you really need to dance. [Servant starts dancing] I wouldn't. So even if this woman were the ugliest, cursedest shrew in the world, it wouldn't affect me at all, were she as rough as are the swelling Adriatic Seas. 

Ralph: So just so I understand, it sounds like you're saying that the only thing that matters in a future wife is how rich she is. 

Petruchio: Well, let's just say I like her already. I come to wive it wealthily in Padua-- if wealthily, then happily in Padua. 

Grumio: He's not kidding. Give him enough gold, he'd marry a puppet. He'd marry a tiny little doll, if you paid him enough. He'd marry a toothless hag, even if she has many diseases as 52 horses. 

Ralph: I think I get the picture. 

Grumio: Nothing would bother him, so long as there's enough money involved. 

Ralph: So, well, Hortensio says that he brought it up as a joke, but since it's come this far, he says there really is such a woman-- plenty rich, and young and beautiful, actually. Her only fault, he says-- though it's a big one-- is that she's just intolerable to be around. Hortensio says that, even if he were broke, he still wouldn't marry her, not even for a mine of gold. 

Petruchio: Well, then he's never felt the power of gold. What's the name of her father? That's all I need to know, for I will board her, though she do chide as loud as thunder when the clouds in autumn crack. 

Ralph: I'm sorry, you will board her? 

Petruchio: You know, like pirates board another ship to take it over. 

Grumio: Yeah, that's what he means. 

Petruchio: Does he give me her father's name or not? 

Ralph: Oh, yes, he does. Baptista Minola, an affable and courteous gentleman, he says. And the daughter is Katherina Minola, renowned in Padua for her scolding tongue. 

Petruchio: I knew her father actually, but not her. Baptista knew my father pretty well. It's settled. I will not sleep until I see her. I should actually get going. I should tell Hortensio-- unless he wants to come along with me. 

Grumio: You should let him go before the mood leaves him. And if this woman knew him as well as I do, she would know scolding won't do any good. And if you get his mouth going, forget it. He'll talk her in circles until she doesn't know where she is. You don't know him. 

Ralph: I guess I don't. 

Petruchio: Off we go then. 

Ralph: Oh, Hortensio says that he'll go with you actually. As he puts it, for in Baptista's keep my treasure is, he has the jewel of my life in hold. 

Petruchio: Is that right? Oh, well, well. 

Ralph: Well, yes. You see, Hortensio is in love with Baptista's youngest daughter Bianca. But Baptista won't let Hortensio, or any of her suitors, court Bianca until Katherine is wooed, which Baptista must think is impossible, because no one can stand to be around her. As Hortensio puts it, none shall have access unto Bianca until Katherine the curst have got a husband. 

Grumio: Katherine the curst. The title for a maid of all titles the worst, eh? 

Petruchio: But if that's true, why would Hortensio come along with me? 

Ralph: Yes, well, Hortensio has a proposal for you. He wants to disguise himself and have you introduce him to Baptista as a music teacher for Bianca. That way, he can get into the house and he can court her when they're alone together. 

Grumio: Would you look at that? The young folk plotting to trick the old folk. 

Ralph: Well, before you can even answer, Hortensio pulls the two of you aside, because one of his rivals for Bianca's love, Signor Gremio, happens by with what appears to be some kind of a private tutor or a schoolmaster. 

Petruchio: Appears to be? 

Ralph: Well, yes. So let's see here. Yep, Hortensio asks Gremio Yo what's going on, and he presents the other gentleman as a tutor for Bianca. So I guess Gremio has beaten Hortensio to the punch. Although it looks like this guy is a poetry teacher, so maybe she'll need a music teacher too. Let's see. Yes, Hortensio tells Gremio that he's found a music teacher for Bianca-- which is going to be Hortensio in disguise, of course, although he doesn't tell Gremio that. Oh, yes. And then he tells Gremio about you. And he tells him that you've agreed to woo curst Katherine, as he puts it, and marry her-- well, if the money is enough. 

Petruchio: And? 

Ralph: Oh, well he's thrilled, but he wants to know if Hortensio has described Katherina's faults. 

Petruchio: You mean that she is an irksome brawling scold? As I've said, I see no harm in that. 

Ralph: Well, he thinks this is great news, but he can still hardly believe that you're willing to woo this wildcat, as he puts it. 

Petruchio: Why came I hither, but to that intent? 

Ralph: To get married, you mean? 

Petruchio: Think you a little din can daunt mine ears? Have I not, in my time, heard lions roar? Have I not heard the sea puffed up with winds, rage like an angry boar chafed with sweat? Have I not heard great ordinance in the field and Heaven's artillery thunder in the skies? Have I not in a pitched battle heard loud 'larums, neighing steeds, and trumpets clang? And do you tell me of a woman's tongue that gives not half so great a blow to hear as will a chestnut in a farmer's fire? Tush, tush. Fear boys with bugs. 

Ralph: Well, you've made your point, though you lost me there at the end. Fear boys with bugs? 

Grumio: It's like that knocked me business. He doesn't mean actually be afraid of boys with bugs. He means go frighten boys with bugs, because you're not going to scare him. 

Petruchio: We should get going. 

Ralph: Oh, hold on. Let's see here. So then a couple of other men happen by. Sorry, this is getting to be a lot to keep track of. It sounds like he's a gentleman, like yourself, looking for Baptista Minola's place. And Gremio wants to know if it's the daughter or the father he's looking for. 

Petruchio: Well, not that chiding daughter, I hope. 

Ralph: No. I love no chiders, he says. Looks like you're still one-of-a-kind, Petruchio. But it does sound like he's looking to be one of Bianca's suitors. Yikes. Hortensio and Gremio aren't going to be happy about that. But they can't seem to scare this new guy away. 

Petruchio: Well, he should know that the father won't allow access to any of the suitors until the other daughter is wed. That's my job. The younger one will then be free, and not before. 

Ralph: Well, this new guy-- Lucentio, he says his name is-- he quickly sees how all the Bianca suitors are in the same boat, and that they'll have you to thank for getting Katherina out of the way, so that they can finally woo Bianca. He proposes that you all go off to eat and drink as friends to seal the deal. 

Grumio: That's the best news I've heard all day. 

Ralph: To eat and drink as friends? 

Grumio: Mostly the eat and drink part. Let's go. 

Ralph: I could use a break myself. Thanks for coming in, gentlemen. If you could just look out to camera.