Sofia: Welcome to the show, gentlemen. It's so good to have you here. 

Hortensio: Yeah, it's a pleasure to be here, Sofia. 

Gremio: Yeah, it's a pleasure I'm sure. Why are we here exactly? 

Sofia: Oh, yes, we'll get to that in a second. I just want to ask you some questions about things that are going on in Padua. 

Hortensio: Relax, Signor Gremio. I think it's like one of those reality TV shows, like Housewives of Padua, or something. 

Gremio: I don't understand a word of what you just said. 

Sofia: Don't worry, we'll get right into it. I just want to do some quick introductions so our audience can get to know you a bit. As you just hinted, Hortensio-- am I saying that right? Hortensio? 

Hortensio: That's right. 

Sofia: And you're both prominent men in the Italian city of Padua, Signor Hortensio and Signor Gremio. 

Gremio: I still don't know what we're doing here. Is Bianca going to be here? You told me Bianca was going to be here. 

Hortensio: I said there was a chance that she was going to be here. 

Sofia: She's not going to be here, I'm afraid. But we're going to talk about her in a second, actually. 

Gremio: Good. I was beginning to feel that this was a big waste of time. 

Sofia: Just one last thing to cover. I just want to point out to our audience, because it's part of the story, that you're both quite wealthy. 

Hortensio: Well, yes, of course. I couldn't dress this way otherwise. 

Sofia: Oh, yes, I see what you mean. Although you, Signor Gremio, being, well, older, maybe have even more money than Signor Hortensio. 

Gremio: Being older? What do you mean, being older? 

Sofia: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude, it's just, well, it's the information I was given. 

Gremio: I am older than Hortensio, and wealthier too, but it's not like I'm that much older. And anyway, what difference does it make? 

Sofia: You're absolutely right. But I actually have a question about that, so I'm not just being nosy. 

Gremio: Great. So let's say we wrap up the introductory phase of the interview and get on with the questions. 

Sofia: Certainly. As you both know, Baptista Minola, another prominent businessman in Padua, has two daughters of marrying age-- Bianca and Katharina. And the two of you have both presented yourselves to Baptista as suitors for Bianca. You would both like to one day marry Bianca. 

Gremio: Is Bianca going to be here? 

Hortensio: Gremio, she already said that Bianca isn't going to be here. But yes. You understand the basic situation, Sofia. We both want to marry Baptista's daughter Bianca, but Baptista's is being a little difficult. 

Gremio: I'll say he is. It isn't fair. 

Sofia: Well, before we get into that, I was hoping you could tell our audience how marriage normally works in Padua. I think things are different in Padua, compared to where I'm from. 

Hortensio: Well, sure. I don't know what would be so different. It's all pretty normal. Once the daughter in a prominent family's of marrying age, wealthy suitors will come to the father for permission to woo her, men who are looking for a wife, so they can start a family. 

Sofia: So this prominent family and wealthy suitors-- it seems like money is a really big factor in all this. 

Hortensio: Well, yes, of course. I'm sure that's all pretty normal too. Wealth can be a fragile thing, and marriage is one of the keys to making it less. 

Gremio: And making it grow. 

Hortensio: Oh, that's right. And marriages, when you come right down to it, have a lot to do with alliances of wealth and making sure money gets consolidated, preserved, and carried forward. That's just common sense. You're not going to tell me that things don't work that way where you come from? 

Sofia: Well, now that you mention it, that kind of thing probably happens more often than we like to think. But we can talk about where I'm from some other time. Just one more question about Padua. So on the daughter's side of things, the one who's going to be married off, does she have much of a say in all of this? 

Hortensio: Well, of course, Sofia. No respectable man is going to force his daughter to marry someone she despises. That's where the wooing comes in. You get a chance to present yourself to the young lady, win her goodwill, use your charm. 

Gremio: But in the end, the father is looking for the best match, all things considered. And wealth and stability can be strongly overriding factors. I mean, think about it. You're setting your daughter up for the rest of her life. You want her to be well taken care of, well provided for. Not to mention the children that might come of the marriage, and the children's children. There's a lot at stake. 

Sofia: Well, yes, I can see how that can be an important factor, considering how you all approach marriage in the first place. And I suppose, Signor Gremio, that's what you think you're bringing to the table. I mean, given your age, you can offer a lot of wealth and security for Bianca's future. 

Gremio: Why does this woman keep going on about my age? 

Hortensio: Because you're old. 

Sofia: I'm so sorry. You're absolutely right. You know what? Let's just get right to the heart of the matter. The fact is you both want to woo Baptista's younger daughter Bianca, but he has made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that nobody can woo, much less see Bianca, until he's found a husband for his older daughter Katherina. 

Gremio: Did you have to mention her? 

Sofia: Did I say something? 

Gremio: Katherina's not going to be here, is she? 

Sofia: But what about this alliance of families and protecting the wealth business you were just talking about? She's a daughter of Baptista's, just like Bianca. Yep, here it is. Baptista says, because he loves you both, that you have his full permission to court Katherina at your pleasure. 

Gremio: To cart her, rather. 

Sofia: I'm sorry? 

Hortensio: It's just a bad joke. You said to court her at our pleasure, and Gremio said to cart her. 

Sofia: Cart her? 

Hortensio: You know, drag her around town in a cart. It's how we punish people sometimes. 

Sofia: Oh, dear. 

Gremio: Katherina's too rough for me, too violent. What about you, Hortensio? Would you have just anybody for your wife? 

Sofia: Oh, yes, I see what you mean about Katherina. It says here that Katherina snaps at her father a bit. Seems like she doesn't think much of her dad's plan of marrying her off first. 

Gremio: What does she say exactly? 

Sofia: Let's see. "I pray you sir, is it your will to make a stale of me amongst these mates?" Not sure exactly what that means, actually. 

Gremio: These mates? Is she referring to us? Positively rude. 

Hortensio: Well, unless by mate she means husbands. But there's going to be no husband for her until she can present herself as gentle and mild, like a lady should. 

Sofia: OK, like a lady should be. I think I'm beginning to understand this Katherina a little better already. 

Hortensio: That was a pretty good one, actually. Did you hear what I said? Katherina called us mates, trying to put us down. And then I was like, you mean mates like husband mates? And then bam, I'm like, you're never going to get one of those. If she'd had been here, I would have said it to her face. Just a little repartee, as we call it around here. 

Sofia: Yes, well, from what I see here, she sees your repartee, and raises you a-- well, if I'm interpreting this right-- a crack on the head. 

Gremio: What does she say, exactly? 

Sofia: Let's see. She says she's not even halfway interested in finding a husband. And even if she were, when it comes to you, Hortensio, the only thing she would want from you would be to comb your noddle with a three-legged stool and paint your face, and use you like a fool. Well, that's not exactly repartee, but that's pretty damn funny. 

Hortensio: That's a threat right there. I should report that. 

Gremio: You see? She's too rough, harsh. A harsh woman. 

Hortensio: From all such devils, good Lord, deliver us. 

Gremio: Me too, good Lord. 

Hortensio: I don't understand why he's doing this. 

Sofia: You mean Baptista? Why he's keeping you from wooing Bianca? 

Hortensio: Right. I mean, here we are, just wanting what's best for Bianca, and our goodwill ends up making her miserable. 

Gremio: It's ridiculous, locking up the fair Bianca, and all because of this fiend of Hell, making Bianca bear the penance of Katherina's tongue. 

Sofia: Fiend of Hell, really? 

Hortensio: You just wait until you meet her. You'll see. 

Sofia: Well, in any event, it seems like the two of you are stuck. Baptista tells you he's not going to change his mind, and he sends Bianca into the house. 

Gremio: Well, that's a lousy turn of events. 

Hortensio: No talking him out of it, huh? 

Sofia: No, it doesn't look like it? But he would like a favor from you. It sounds like he wants Bianca to spend her time away from any suitors, studying music and poetry. So he's in the market for some school masters, if you know of any you could send his way. And then he leaves to go talk to Bianca some more. 

Gremio: Wait, so Katherina's still there? 

Sofia: Yeah, that's right. 

Hortensio: Just the two of us and Katherina? 

Sofia: Yes, that's what I said. Oh, but then she-- well, she yells a couple of things and then goes off. 

Gremio: She can go to the devil's dam. Look, marriage isn't so urgent that we can't wait it out a little. Our cake is dough on both sides. 

Sofia: I'm sorry, your cake is dough? 

Hortensio: You know, we both failed. We were both trying to woo Bianca, and neither of us were successful. 

Sofia: Oh, I get it. It's like wooing Bianca is like getting this beautiful cake. But you didn't get Bianca, so you're just stuck with a lot of dough or batter. We would say batter. Its cake batter. Our cake is batter. That doesn't sound as good, does it? 

Hortensio: No. 

Gremio: But I do love my sweet Bianca. So if I can somehow find a school master for her lessons, which will surely lift her spirits, I will send him to her father right away. 

Hortensio: Oh, that's a good idea. I'll do that too. But Gremio, if I may-- could we just have a second? 

Sofia: Please, go right ahead. 

Gremio: What? 

Hortensio: We're going to be, you know, competitors for Bianca, but until we can be happy rivals for her love, we really should be working together for that one special thing to happen. 

Gremio: What? What special thing? 

Hortensio: You know, to get a husband for a sister. 

Gremio: A husband? A devil. 

Hortensio: It would be easier to get a husband. 

Gremio: Yeah, but it's going to take a devil. Do you really think, even though her father is very rich-- and I mean rich-- do you think any man is crazy enough to be married to Hell? 

Hortensio: Oh, come on. We may not be able to tolerate her, but there's got to be at least one good gentleman in the world-- if we could just find him-- who would marry her with all her faults, and of course, some money. 

Gremio: I do imagine such a fellow exists. For me, even for all that money, I'd rather be whipped on the high cross every morning rather than marrying her. 

Sofia: Really? You'd rather be whipped on a cross than marry Katherina? Being whipped on a cross is better than being around her? 

Hortensio: Whatever. There's small choice in rotten apples. 

Sofia: What does that mean? 

Hortensio: Whipped on the high cross, marry Katherina-- it's hard to compare things, when the choices are all bad. 

Sofia: When all apples are rotten, it doesn't matter which one you choose. 

Hortensio: Exactly. But look, we may as well be friends, as long as we're stuck with this problem. So let's work together to find a husband for the eldest daughter, then we can get back to our little competition. Agreed? 

Gremio: I'm agreed. And I will put on his way, with the fastest horse in Padua, the man who can thoroughly woo her, wed her, and bed her, and rid the house of her. Come on. I assume we're done here? 

Sofia: All done. And thank you for joining us. I'm looking forward to seeing how this works out. And I'm looking forward to meeting Katherina.