Ralph: Hello, everyone. It's my pleasure to welcome to the show, one of Padua's leading families, the Minolas. Starting with you, sir, Baptista Minola. 

Baptista: That's right. Pleasure to be here, Ralph. 

Ralph: And you have your two daughters with you. I believe this is Bianca, your youngest. 

Baptista: That's correct. My darling, Bianca. 

Bianca: Thank you so much for having us. It's an honor to meet you. 

Ralph: Oh, well, an honor. Well, thank you. And finally, your oldest daughter, Katherina, or sometimes Katherine, I believe. 

Kate: What? I didn't ask to be here. 

Baptista: Katherina, please. You're on TV. 

Ralph: That's OK. I know you're taking time out of your busy schedule to be here with us, so I'll try not to take too long. I really appreciate you being here. 

Kate: Just get on with it. 

Baptista: Kate, please. How can we help you, Ralph? 

Ralph: Well all of Padua seems to know that your daughters are of an age to marry and that you have some suitors showing up to your house. We also know that's been causing a bit of drama in the family, which we'll get into in a minute. But first, I just wanted to ask you about how marriage works where you come from. I have a feeling that it's a little bit different than what our audience is used to. 

Baptista: Is that right? In what way, exactly? 

Ralph: Well, let's see. What's the simplest way to put this? Where I'm from, marriage happens after two people fall in love, then the two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together. 

Baptista: Hm. OK. That doesn't sound so very different. I mean, love in a marriage is incredibly important. 

Ralph: Right. Yes. So there is some overlap there. But as I understand it, a couple of men have come to you hoping to marry your daughter Bianca. 

Baptista: That's right. 

Ralph: But they don't really know her and she doesn't really know them. 

Baptista: Well, of course not. That's what courting is for. They'll get to know her a bit, she'll get to know them, she'll tell me what she thinks of them, and I'll hear what they have to offer, and it all gets sorted out. 

Ralph: Ah. See, right there, are a couple of things. First, she doesn't seem to have any control over who shows up to court her. 

Baptista: Well, of course not. Suitors have to present themselves to me. Don't be ridiculous. 

Ralph: Well, so where I'm from, women can, well, follow their own interests when they're searching for a mate. 

Baptista: Right. I see. I mean, don't get me wrong, someone could catch Bianca's eye. [LAUGHS] And there can be a little back-channel communication, you might say, but a suitor still has to present himself to me. It's going to have to be all legal and above board at some point, and I wouldn't marry her off to anybody despite her feelings. So it's a bit of a dance, but we'll find the right person. You know? The right social class and standing, someone respectable and virtuous, with enough money to take care of her. 

Ralph: OK, good. Now we're getting more specific. See, where I'm from, your future spouse could be, well, pretty much anybody. 

Baptista: What do you mean anybody? 

Ralph: Ah-- I mean anybody, like anybody. 

Baptista: But not anybody anybody? 

Ralph: Yeah, anybody anybody. 

Baptista: That sounds like complete chaos. It's hard to even imagine what you're saying. 

Ralph: Well, for example, Bianca could just meet someone and fall in love, like-- I don't know, let's say she's down at the tavern some night-- 

Baptista: [CLEARS THROAT] My daughter, sir, would never be down at the tavern. 

Ralph: Oh, yes. Well, I suppose there are a lot of differences where I come from. 

Baptista: My daughter's future is in my hands, both of them. It's one of the most sacred duties I have to ensure that their future is secure and that they marry a reputable and financially sound household. And if you do it right, love will come along the way. Love will come. That's how it was for me and your mother, may she rest in peace. 

Kate: We're done here, right? 

Ralph: Oh, not quite. So enough about where I'm from. The real reason you're all here is that I want to clarify for our audience what specifically has been going on today. From what I understand, you have, in fact, two suitors who have come to you-- let's see-- Hortensio and Gremio, wanting to marry Bianca. So the wooing process has begun. 

Baptista: Well, not quite. I've been trying to explain to those two that I will not give away my youngest daughter, Bianca, until I have a husband for the older, my dear Katherina. Now, I know both of these gentlemen well, they're fine men. And I keep telling them that they are free to court Katherina at their pleasure. 

Ralph: Oh, yes. Well, but-- so as Gremio puts it, to cart her rather. That's a little play on words, cart her rather than court her. But, so what does that mean, exactly? To cart her. 

Bianca: Carting is-- well, a kind of punishment. You know? When you tie a criminal to a cart and parade them through the streets? 

Ralph: Yikes. So that's kind of a rude thing to say. And then he adds-- and I'm sorry, I'm just reporting here, that he thinks Katherina is, quote, "too rough for me." 

Kate: So this is your big plan, is it? To make a stale of me amongst these mates. 

Ralph: I'm sorry. I'm just not sure what you mean by that. I mean, it sounds like a little bit of a play on words, you know? Stale and mates, so like a stalemate in chess. So maybe you see your father as playing some kind of a game with these suitors, and he's trying to block their moves, you might say. But if I remember right, let's see, the word "stale" can also mean a decoy, which is kind of what your father is doing by turning their attention from Bianca to you. And is mate some kind of a put-down? It certainly sounds like you have a low opinion of these two suitors. 

Baptista: Are we really going to break down everything we say here? 

Ralph: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help our audience understand what's being said. 

Baptista: She's not happy, if that's what you're asking. 

Ralph: Yes, I suppose that's pretty clear. Oh, right. Well, Hortensio picks up on the word "mates" but he takes it to mean "mate" as in spouse. And he says to you, Katherina-- oh, dear, he says, no mates for you unless you are of a gentler milder mold. 

Kate: Ah. Well, he doesn't need to worry about that happening. I could care less about marriage, especially to him. My only interest in him would be to comb his noodle with a three-legged stool-- 

Baptista: Katherina. 

Kate: And paint his face and use him like a fool. 

Ralph: I'm sorry. Comb his noodle? 

Bianca: You know, his noodle, his head? 

Ralph: Oh, right. That must be related to our word "nod." You nod your head. 

 

Bianca: Well, she wants to comb his noodle with a stool. 

Ralph: Ouch. 

[KATHERINA LAUGHS] 

Ralph: And paint his face? 

Baptista: She wants to scratch. 

[KATHERINA ROARS] 

[BIANCA GASPS] 

[KATHERINA LAUGHS] 

Baptista: His face. Smear the blood around a bit. 

Ralph: Oh, my. 

Baptista: Well, I think that just about wraps things up. I want to thank you for having us, Ralph. 

Ralph: Oh, yes. Well-- 

Baptista: It was a real pleasure. I've told these men all they need to know. And now I think it's time to get Bianca here back inside the house and out of the reach of those pesky suitors. 

Bianca: But, dad-- 

Kate: [IMITATING BIANCA] But dad. 

Baptista: Don't get upset. Know that I do this because I love you, my girl. 

Kate: Oh, pretty Pete. Better stick a finger in your eye if you really want to cry. 

Bianca: Can't you just be happy that I'm unhappy? Sir, to your pleasure humbly I subscribe, my books and instruments shall be my company. 

Baptista: Now, that's a good daughter. 

Ralph: I'm sorry, sir. There's just one more thing. I'm just reporting. Hortensio says that he feels bad that Bianca's having to suffer when they only want what's best for her. 

Baptista: By marrying one of them, you mean. 

Ralph: Well, yes. I suppose so. And then, Gremio is surprised that you would shut Bianca up in the house just because of this-- sorry, it's what he says-- this fiend of hell, and make Bianca bear the penance of Katherina's tongue. I guess they're both making the point that it seems unfair for Bianca to suffer because of Katherina's bad behavior. 

Baptista: Enough. Tell them I've had enough. It's settled, they'll just have to deal with it. Bianca, go. 

Bianca: Yes, father. 

Ralph: Oh-- well. And do you think she's really OK with this? 

Baptista: Who? [RALPH POINTS AT BIANCA] Oh, she'll be fine. She loves music and instruments and poetry. You know what? I'm going to find some schoolmasters to instruct her in those things, keep her busy, keep developing her interests and talents. Here's an idea-- What if I tell Hortensio and Gremio that if they really care for Bianca, they'll help to find schoolmasters for me. They can just refer them to me. And if they're knowledgeable, I will be very kind and welcoming. Can we let them know that? 

Ralph: Oh, sure. I think everybody knows that now. 

Baptista: Oh, farewell, Ralph. Katherina, you may stay here. I have more I want to say to Bianca. 

Ralph: Oh, well. Huh. Hmm. Well, I guess that just leaves the two of us, then. Actually, I was kind of hoping that we'd get a chance to talk a little bit about-- well, why it is that you're, you know, kind of angry all the time? 

Kate: He says I may stay. Well, I may go too, may I not? Right? 

Ralph: Well, yes. You're a free person, I think. But if we can just talk for a second about why it is that you-- 

Kate: Am I going to be told where to go all the time as if I can't take care of myself? 

Ralph: It's just, you can't have always been like this. So there must be something or maybe a whole set of things that are leading you to-- [KATE SOBBING, WALKS OFF] Or, you know what? We can talk about this more later. Yeah, that's a good plan. We'll talk about it more later.