RALPH: Welcome back, everyone. After a very short opening scene, we get the sense that something's not right in Scotland. All that thunder and lightning, and all the fog and filthy air. And it sounds like there's a war going on-- with the battle they mentioned, and the hurly-burly, or the confusion of war. So to learn more about that, what better source than the embattled King himself, Duncan? Welcome to the show, Your Highness. 

DUNCAN: Thanks for having me. 

RALPH: And this must be your son, Malcolm. Welcome to the show. Nice to meet you, sir. 

MALCOLM: My pleasure. 

DUNCAN: We're going to have to make this fast, by the way. I hope you understand. 

RALPH: Oh, because of the war, you mean? Yeah, so I was hoping we could talk about that. What's going on exactly? 

DUNCAN: Well, what can I say? It's just endless strife. You never know who might attack. You never know who you can trust. 

RALPH: And so in this battle, you're being attacked by one of your own noblemen. Is that right? 

DUNCAN: Exactly. MacDonald, the bastard. He started a rebellion. 

RALPH: A rebellion, hmm. What does he want? 

DUNCAN: My crown, I assume. He wants to take over, but we're not going to let him. Which is why I should get going—I need to find out what's happening out there. 

RALPH: Well, I can actually help you with that. So, let's see. While you're out with your sons—Malcolm here, and your youngest son Donalbain—you come across a bloody captain from your own army. 

DUNCAN: Oh, good. I mean, not that he's bloody. But because he's bloody, he's probably coming from the battle. He should be able to give us an update. 

MALCOLM: That must be the sergeant that kept me from getting captured. 

DUNCAN: What does he say? 

RALPH: Well, let's see. He says it's not looking good. The battle was like two people drowning, who are clawing at each other until they're both dead. And MacDonald had a fresh supply of kerns and gallowglasses. 

MALCOLM: The Irish foot soldiers. 

DUNCAN: Oh dear, that can't be good.  

RALPH: But he says that they were still no match for brave Macbeth, who against all odds, his sword smoking with the blood of the enemy, carved a path straight to MacDonald. And without so much as a farewell, unseamed him from the nave to the chaps. Unseamed him? 

MALCOLM: You know, they opened them up, took them apart at the seams. 

RALPH: Hmm. I didn't know we had seams. 

MALCOLM: Well, you do if I stick a sword in your nave. 

RALPH: Oh, you mean like my navel. 

MALCOLM: And then, pop, up to your chaps. 

RALPH: Chaps? 

MALCOLM: You know, your jaws. 

RALPH: Ew. I guess that would create a seam. 

DUNCAN: So, Macbeth killed MacDonald? 

RALPH: Ah, yes. And if the unseaming didn't do it, it says here that Macbeth cut off MacDonald's head and stuck it on the battlements. This Macbeth guy is quite the warrior. 

DUNCAN: A worthy cousin. 

RALPH: Wait, Macbeth's your cousin? 

MALCOLM: All noblemen are cousins. 

RALPH: Oh, right, that kind of cousin. 

DUNCAN: Then the war is won. 

[LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Ah, well, not quite. The captain says, whence comfort seemed to come, discomforts swells. I guess that's like your version of, just when you thought things were looking up. 

DUNCAN: Yeah. Well, what happened? 

RALPH: Ah, well, he says the Irish foot soldiers started to run away, or trust their heels as he puts it. But then the King of Norway thought it was an opportunity to attack with his soldiers. Norway is also attacking you? 

MALCOLM: They already controlled the north. They must think this is an opportunity to seize more territory. 

DUNCAN: Oh dear, that must have disheartened our captains, Macbeth and Banquo. 

RALPH: Well, let's see. As the sergeant puts it, it didn't dishearten Macbeth and Banquo any more than a sparrow would concern an eagle, or a rabbit scare a lion. According to his report, it only seemed to energize them, and they seemed to fight twice as hard. Wow. 

DUNCAN: And then? 

RALPH: Oh, sorry. Ah, let's see. Oh, well, if you remember, the captain was pretty badly hurt, and he's starting to feel faint. 

DUNCAN: He's an honorable soldier, with honorable news. He should get to the doctors. 

RALPH: Well, but just as soon as he leaves, two thanes, Ross and Angus, arrive with more news. Now, what's a thane exactly? 

DUNCAN: You know, Thane, a nobleman—part of our tribal government. You don't have thanes where you come from? 

RALPH: Ah, no. 

DUNCAN: What do you have then? 

RALPH: Hmm. Well, I guess senators would be our equivalent, or maybe governors. 

DUNCAN: They serve the king, these governors? 

RALPH: Ah, yeah—well, we don't have a king exactly. 

MALCOLM: No king? What are you, barbarians? 

RALPH: [LAUGHS] Some would say that. It's a long story, but a fascinating one actually. So the country that I come from also started with a rebellion. 

DUNCAN: All right, all right. Whatever. What do Ross and Angus have to say? 

RALPH: Oh, sure, let's see. So they say they've come from the battle with the Norwegians, who were also assisted by the Thane of Cawdor. Wow, this is complicated. So this is another one of your thanes, who has turned against you. 

DUNCAN: That's right. The bastard. What happens? 

RALPH: Well, I guess it was looking bad, once again, until Macbeth, looking like the bridegroom of the goddess of war—[LAUGHS] wow, that's quite an image. Anyway, he works his way to the Thane of Cawdor, and they start fighting man to man. 

DUNCAN: And? 

RALPH: Oh. As Ross puts it, the victory fell to us. 

DUNCAN: Ah, thank God. [LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Well, so, wait. Did he kill the Thane of Cawdor, or just defeat him? 

MALCOLM: What about Sweno? 

RALPH: Sweno? 

MALCOLM: The King of Norway. 

RALPH: Oh, right. Well, he wanted a truce. And Ross says they made them pay a $10,000 ransom, just so he could bury his own dead. Is that a lot of money? 

MALCOLM: That's a lot of money. 

RALPH: So this Macbeth guy has won the war, against all odds. And he's made you all a little bit richer in the process. 

DUNCAN: And that lying Thane of Cawdor shall deceive us no more. You know what, I have an idea. We need to spread the news that the Thane of Cawdor will be put to death. And then greet Macbeth as the Thane of Cawdor instead. 

RALPH: So you're going to make Macbeth the new Thane of Cawdor? 

DUNCAN: That's right. He's already Thane of Glamis. But let him be thane of Cawdor as well. 

MALCOLM: Good thinking, Dad. More power for him. But I guess he deserves it. 

DUNCAN: What the Thane of Cawdor hath lost, noble Macbeth hath won. 

RALPH: Hmm, that's interesting. 

DUNCAN: What? 

RALPH: Oh, it's nothing. I just—well, I was talking to someone earlier about things being lost and won at the same time-- how that could even be possible. And you just said the title of the Thane of Cawdor has been both lost and won. 

DUNCAN: I guess that's the way the world works. [LAUGHS] 

RALPH: Then, is everything always two things? Is a losing always a winning, and a winning always a losing? 

DUNCAN: Are we done here? 

RALPH: Oh, yes, of course, sure. Ah, thank you both for joining us. And congratulations, your kingdom is restored. You've won the war.