RALPH: Welcome back to the show, Brutus. And welcome to you, Portia, Brutus' wife. 

PORTIA: Well, it's nice to be here, I suppose. 

RALPH: We really appreciate you taking the time. So now it's the wee hours of the morning, and you find your husband awake in the study. 

BRUTUS: Yes. And what are you doing out here? It's not good for you to be out here in the cold morning. 

RALPH: Although, I guess the same could be said for you, Brutus. 

PORTIA: That's what I was about to say. 

BRUTUS: Not exactly. I am a man, after all. 

RALPH: Yes, I see. Could I ask about that for a second? So how to put this, is there a big difference between men and women in Rome? 

BRUTUS: Big difference? Just the obvious, I suppose. 

RALPH: Yes, right. There may be some obvious differences, but there may be some not so obvious differences, things that might change from culture to culture like politics, for example. Where I'm from, women can take part in politics. They can be senators or praetors, like yourself, or consuls. 

BRUTUS: Well, I guess there are many ways to go wrong in society. 

PORTIA: If you don't mind, Ralph, is it? It's late and I'd like to talk to my husband. 

RALPH: Of course, yes. Go right ahead. 

PORTIA: Why are you out of bed? Last night, he suddenly got up at dinner and wandered around, deep in thought, sighing, with his arms crossed. When I asked you what was wrong, you just glared at me. So I asked him again, and he scratched his head, stomped his feet. So I asked you one more time what was wrong, but with an angry wafture of your hand, you gave sign for me to leave you. 

RALPH: I'm sorry, angry wafture? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. Oh, that was a wafture, like a wave of the hand. Oh, I like that, wafture. 

PORTIA: So I left. I didn't want to make things worse by annoying you. I was hoping it was just a bad mood, which can happen sometimes. Only in his case, he doesn't eat or talk or sleep. This mood of yours could change you physically as much as it has changed your personality, I wouldn't recognize you anymore. 

BRUTUS: I'm just a little sick, that's all. 

PORTIA: Well, you're a smart guy. If you were sick, you would do what you need to do to get better, like sleeping in your bed at night. 

BRUTUS: And soon I will, Okay? Now you should go back to bed, Portia. Ralph, can you help me out here with this? 

PORTIA: If you're sick, do you think it's good to walk around in the dank morning air? If you're sick, do you think it's a good idea to leave your warm bed and risk getting even sicker? No, my Brutus. It's your mind that's disturbed. And by the right and virtue of my place, I should know what's bothering you. 

RALPH: You mean because you're his wife? 

PORTIA: That's what I just said. Do I need to get down on my knees and remind you of our marriage vows, the marriage that made two into one so that you tell me, your other half, why you're so sad, and why these men have come to see you, hiding their faces, even from darkness? Shall I get down on my knees? 

BRUTUS: Kneel not, gentle Portia. 

PORTIA: I wouldn't have to if you were gentle Brutus. Tell me. Shouldn't a wife know her husband's secrets? If not, then I am your other half in the shallowest sense, to share meals with you, to comfort you in bed, and talk to you sometimes. If that's all I am, then Portia is Brutus' harlot, not his wife. 

RALPH: Oh, well. 

BRUTUS: You are my true and honorable wife, Portia. As dear to me as the ruddy drops that do visit my sad heart. 

RALPH: Oh, well, now that's sweet. 

PORTIA: If it were true, then he would tell me the secret. I may be a woman, but I'm a woman that Lord Brutus took as his wife. I may be a woman, but I'm the daughter of Cato. 

RALPH: A daughter of Cato? The Cato? Wow. So this is like one of my personal heroes. Sorry. I'm just kind of star struck, here. I should explain. So Cato is known as one of the most morally upright Romans ever. He was a great supporter of Pompey. And when Caesar defeated Pompey in battle, Cato committed suicide. He'd rather be dead than serve Caesar, even though Caesar probably would have pardoned him. 

BRUTUS: We know. 

RALPH: But wow, suicide. I mean, that's standing by your principles. 

PORTIA: And I'm that man's daughter, and your wife. Do you think I'm no stronger than the average woman when I have a father and a husband like the two of you? Tell me what's bothering you. I can keep a secret. I have made strong proof of my character by giving myself this wound in my thigh. 

BRUTUS: Oh, ye gods, render me worthy of this noble wife. 

RALPH: Wait, you what? You stabbed yourself in the thigh to prove how morally strong you are? 

PORTIA: What do you think, Ralph? Can I bear this wound with patience and not my husband's secrets? 

RALPH: And, Brutus, you're impressed by this? 

BRUTUS: Could you do that? 

RALPH: Well, no, I don't think I could. 

BRUTUS: Because you are morally weak. 

RALPH: Yes. Well, no, no. I don't think that just because I won't to stab myself in the thigh means I'm morally weak. 

BRUTUS: But you, how strong you are. If only I could prove myself worthy of being your husband. Someone's at the door. 

RALPH: What? I didn't hear anything. 

BRUTUS: Go inside. I'll be there soon to share with you the secrets of my heart, everything that's going on, and why I've been so troubled, but you should go now. 

RALPH: Thanks for stopping by. Daughter of Cato, can't get over that. 

BRUTUS: Lucius should get the door. 

RALPH: Oh, yes, he does. And he says there's a sick man to see you, a Caius Ligarius. 

BRUTUS: Yes, Mattel has sent him. 

RALPH: He says he's not feeling well. And in fact, he has his head wrapped in a shawl, he's so sick. 

BRUTUS: Well, that's not good. 

RALPH: He says that he need not be sick if Brutus have, in hand, any exploit worthy of the name of honor. 

BRUTUS: Well, that's exactly what I have for him, if he were healthy enough to join us. 

RALPH: Well, I guess that's all he needs to hear because he takes off the shawl and says he's healed, as if your words have cured him. And he adds, now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible, yea, get the better of them. What's to do, he asks? 

BRUTUS: A piece of work that'll make sick men whole. 

RALPH: And he replies, but are not some whole that we must make sick? Sounds like he knows what you're planning. 

BRUTUS: Tell him I'll tell him everything but we must get going. 

RALPH: To which he says, set on your foot, and with a heart new fired, I follow you to do I know not what, but it sufficeth that Brutus leads me on. Boy, you Romans are really into this loyalty thing. What the— 

BRUTUS: Follow me then. 

RALPH: Me, follow you? Oh, I should probably stay here. I mean, I'm flattered that you—

BRUTUS: I meant Ligarius. We need to go. 

RALPH: Of course, Ligarius. Just one last thing, are you really going to tell Portia everything that's going on? 

BRUTUS: I said I would, didn't I? 

RALPH: Yes. Yes, you did. Well, thanks for joining us. And good luck, I suppose.