Baptista

Katherina

Not our shame, my shame. Honestly! I’m forced to give my hand — against my heart — to this crazy, hot-headed brute, who wooed me in a hurry but takes his time with the wedding. I told you. I knew he was a foolish lunatic. He acts like he’s dim-witted, but it’s just to hide his insulting jokes. And since he wants to be thought of as a comedian, he’ll flirt with a thousand women, set a wedding date, throw parties, invite his friends, send out marriage announcements — all with no intention of actually getting married. Now everyone in the world will point at poor Katherina, and say, “Look, there’s crazy Petruchio’s wife, if only he’d come marry her!”

Tranio

Be patient, good Katherina. You too, Baptista. I swear, Petruchio means well. It’s just by chance that he hasn’t arrived yet. Though he acts dim-witted, I know he’s really very wise. And though he’s a comedian, he’s also honest.

Katherina

If only Katherina had never met him!

Baptista

Go ahead and cry, girl. I can’t blame you for weeping. Not even a saint could tolerate an insult like this — let alone a cranky, impatient girl like you.

Biondello

Master, master! I have news. It’s old news to me, but it’s news you haven’t heard!

Baptista

News that’s new to me but old to you? How can that be?

Biondello

Isn’t it news to you, to hear that Petruchio’s coming?

Baptista

Has he come?

Biondello

No, sir.

Baptista

Well then what?

Biondello

He’s coming.

Baptista

When will he be here?

Biondello

When he stands where I am and sees you there.

Tranio

But then what’s your old news?

Biondello

Well, Petruchio is coming in a new hat and an old jacket. He’s wearing pants that have been turned inside-out three times, and boots that used to be candle-holders, one buckled, the other laced. He’s got an old rusty sword, taken out of the town armory with a broken hilt and no sheath. His belt’s broken, too. His horse has hurt its hip, and is wearing a moth-eaten saddle and mismatched stirrups. And on top of all that, his horse has swollen glands, a breaking spine, a swollen mouth, ulcers, tumors on its legs, jaundice, worms, a twisted back and a lame shoulder. Its front legs are knock-kneed. Its bit is faulty and its bridle is made of sheep’s leather. The horse has to be restrained to keep it from stumbling, so much so that the bridle often snaps and has to be repaired with knots. The belt’s been fixed this way six times, and the strap that keeps the saddle steady in back is made for a woman. It has her initials on it, spelled out in studs, and it’s held together with string.

Baptista

Who’s coming with him?

Biondello

Sir, his servant. I swear, he’s decked out just like the horse. He has a linen sock on one leg and a woolen stocking on the other, with red and blue strips for garters. He’s wearing an old hat with a bunch of ribbons sticking out of it—they’re supposed to look like the feather that decorates a knight’s helmet. He’s dressed like a monster. A monster! Not like a good Christian servant or a gentleman’s page.

Tranio

He must be in a strange mood, to want to dress like this. Well, he often goes around in ugly clothing.

Baptista

I’m just glad he’s coming, whatever he’s wearing.

Biondello

Oh, sir, he’s not coming.

Baptista

Didn’t you say he was coming?

Biondello

Who? Petruchio?

Baptista

Yes, you said that Petruchio was coming.

Biondello

No, sir, I said his horse was coming — with him on its back.

Baptista

Well that’s the same thing!

Biondello

No, by Saint Jamy! I’ll bet you a penny. A horse and a man are not one, but they’re not many either.  

Petruchio

Hey, where is everyone? Is anybody home?

Baptista

Welcome, sir.

Petruchio

And yet I don’t come well.

Baptista

Well you don’t limp, either.

Tranio

You’re not as well-dressed as I wish you were.

Petruchio

Isn’t it better that I rush in like this? But where is Kate? Where’s my lovely bride? How are you, father? Gentlemen, it looks like you’re frowning. Why do you all look like you’ve just seen some shocking omen — a comet, or something?

Baptista

Sir, you know this is your wedding day, right? First we were sad, afraid you wouldn’t come. But now we’re even sadder that you’ve shown up so unprepared and inappropriately dressed. Ugh! Take off these clothes. You’re an embarrassment to yourself, ruining this serious occasion.

Tranio

And tell us, what was so important that it kept you from your wife for so long, and made you show up dressed this way?

Petruchio

It’s a boring story, and unpleasant to hear. Just accept that I’m here to keep my word, although I may have taken a bit of a detour. When we have time, I’ll explain myself until you’re satisfied. But where’s Kate? I’ve been away from her for too long. The morning is passing; we have to get to the church.

Tranio

You can’t see your bride when you’re dressed so disrespectfully. Go to my bedroom and put on some of my clothes.

Petruchio

No way. Trust me, I’ll visit her like this.

Baptista

But I trust you won’t marry her like this.

Petruchio

Sure I will — just like this. Now, enough talking. She’s marrying me, not my clothes. But if I could repair the parts of me that she’ll wear out, as easily as I can change these clothes, now that would be good for Kate — and great for me. But it’s foolish of me to stay and chat with you. I should be saying good morning to my bride, and sealing the deal with a lovely kiss.

Tranio

He has some ulterior motive to dress like this. If it’s possible, we’ll persuade him to change his clothes before going to church.

Baptista

I’ll go after him to make sure he does.

Tranio

But, sir, in order for Bianca to love you, we need her father to approve of you. And to make this happen, I need someone — doesn’t matter who — to pretend to be Vincentio of Pisa. He can vouch for even more wealth than I’ve promised. That way, you’ll get what you’re hoping for: you can marry Bianca with her father’s blessing.

Lucentio

If Bianca’s other teacher weren’t watching her so closely, I’d think about eloping with her. After that, even if everyone in the world objected, I’d get to keep her.

Tranio

Let’s look for that opportunity. In the meantime, we’ll work on our strategy the way we planned: we’ll outwit old Gremio, the over-protective father, Minola, the scheming musician, romantic Litio — all for the sake of my master, Lucentio.

Signor Gremio, did you come from the church?

Gremio

As willingly as I ever came from school.

Tranio

Are the bride and groom coming home?

Gremio

Groom, you say? Yeah, he really is a groom — a stable groom, a grumbling groom — and she’ll realize soon enough.

Tranio

He’s worse than she is? That’s impossible.

Gremio

He’s a devil, a monster.

Tranio

Well she’s a devil — she’s hell itself.

Gremio

Compared to him, she’s a lamb, a dove, an innocent. Let me tell you, Sir Lucentio: when the priest asked if Katherina should be his wife, he said, “Yes, by Christ’s wounds!” He swore so loud that the priest, astonished, dropped the Bible. And as he bent over to pick it up, that crazy groom hit him so hard that down fell priest and Bible, Bible and priest! “Help them up,” Petruchio said, “if anyone wants.”

Tranio

What did she say when he got up?

Gremio

She trembled and shook. Petruchio was stomping and swearing, as if the priest was trying to trick him. But then after the ceremony was finished, he called for wine. “A toast!” he said, like a sailor drinking with his mates after a storm. He drank all the wine and threw the wine-soaked cakes in the priest’s face. And the reason why? He said the priest’s beard was thin, and he seemed to be asking for the cakes he just threw while he was still drinking. After he did this, he took his bride by the neck and kissed her lips so loudly that it echoed all through the church. I left the party out of embarrassment when I saw what was happening. And I know the group’s following, not long after me. There’s never been such a wild wedding. Listen. I hear the musicians playing.

Petruchio

Gentlemen, friends, thank you for taking the trouble to come here. I know you planned to dine with me today, and you’re all ready to celebrate the wedding. But here’s the deal — I have to go attend to something right away. So I’m leaving now.

Baptista

You mean you’re leaving tonight?

Petruchio

I’m leaving today — before tonight. Trust me, if you knew why, you’d beg me to go rather than stay. Dear guests, thank you all for coming to see me get married to this patient, sweet, and virtuous wife. Dine with my father, and have a toast to me. I have to go. Goodbye to you all.

Tranio

Can we ask you to stay through dinner?

Petruchio

It won’t happen.

Gremio

Can I ask you to?

Petruchio

It can’t happen.

Katherina

Can I ask you to?

Petruchio

You can.

Katherina

So you’ll stay?

Petruchio

I said you can ask me to stay. I didn’t say I would.

Katherina

If you love me, stay.

Petruchio

Grumio, get my horse.

Grumio

Yes sir, it’s ready. The oats have eaten the horses.

Katherina

Fine then. Do whatever you want. But I’m not going. I won’t go today, or tomorrow. I’ll go whenever I please. Go on, sir, the door’s open. You may be eager to get out of here, but I’m not going until I’m good and ready. If you’re already being so bossy, I can only imagine how arrogant you’ll be as a husband.

Petruchio

Oh Kate, calm down, please don’t be mad.

Katherina

I will be mad. What does it have to do with you? Not a word, father. He’ll stay until I’m ready to go.

Gremio

Now things are getting interesting.

Katherina

Go on, gentlemen, carry on with the wedding dinner. Apparently men will make a fool out of any woman if she doesn’t stand up for herself.

Petruchio

If you say so, Kate, they’ll go on with the celebration. Obey the bride, attendants. Go to the feast, revel, and party. Drink to her virginity — drink a whole bottle. Be wild and joyous, or go hang yourselves for all I care. But as for my dear Kate, she’s coming with me. Now don’t get angry, stomping and glaring at me. I’ll be the master of what’s mine. She’s my goods, my possessions. She’s my house and everything in it, my field, my barn, my horse, my ox, my donkey, my anything. And here she stands — go on, touch her if you dare. I’ll come after anyone in Padua who stands in my way. Grumio, get my weapon. We’re surrounded by thieves. Rescue your mistress, if you’re a real man. Don’t be afraid, sweet woman. They won’t touch you, Kate. I’ll defend you from a million men.

Baptista

Oh, let them go. Such a peaceful couple.

Gremio

If they hadn’t left when they did, I would have died laughing.

Tranio

There’s never been such a crazy marriage.

Lucentio

Mistress, what do you think of your sister?

Bianca

I think she married a madman because she’s mad herself.

Gremio

And now Petruchio’s been Kated.

Baptista

Neighbors and friends, even though the bride and groom are missing from their seats, we’ve got plenty of dessert. Lucentio, you sit in the groom’s spot, and let Bianca take her sister’s seat.

Tranio

Is sweet Bianca practicing to be a bride?

Baptista

She is, Lucentio. Come on gentlemen, let’s go.