RALPH: Hello, everyone and welcome to the show. As all of Rome now knows, the great Caesar is no more. He's been killed in the capitol itself by some of Rome's most illustrious men, including of course the legendary Brutus. We've asked you all to come join us today in studio to help our audience get a better sense of what the ordinary person in the street in Rome is feeling at this moment of crisis. Think of this as like a focus group. 

PLEBEIAN 1: What is a focus group? 

RALPH: Oh, of course. Sorry, let me explain. A focus group is a small group of people selected to represent the views of a much larger group. They're used generally to find out what's on people's minds. 

PLEBEIAN 6: You want to know what we're thinking? 

RALPH: Well, of course. Doesn't anybody ever ask you what you think like in polls? 

PLEBEIAN 5: No. 

RALPH: Well, hmm, then how do your leaders know what you're thinking about? 

PLEBEIAN 6: They don't. 

PLEBEIAN 2: We're peasants. 

PLEBEIAN 4: At least not until we start throwing stuff, right. 

RALPH: Okay, Okay. So at any rate, thanks so much for joining us in what I'm sure must be a stressful and confusing time. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Yeah, no kidding. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Do we have time to be here? 

PLEBEIAN 6: It's scary out there. Scary. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Hey, what happened anyway? Has Caesar really been killed? 

RALPH: Yeah, Okay, Okay. We're going to get into the details. But let's just have you introduce yourselves to the folks at home. So tell us your names and your professions—a quick introduction. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Sure, I'll go first. Hortensius—I fix chariots for a living just like my father before me, and his father before him, and his father before him. 

RALPH: Oh Okay. We get the picture. So you fix chariots. 

PLEBEIAN 2: No job too big. Nothing I can't fix—fixmychariot.com. This is going to be seen by a lot of people, right? 

RALPH: Well, yes but please no advertising. We have a lot to talk about. So let's try to keep this brief. Who's next? 

PLEBEIAN 6: Tiberius—I am a gladiator. 

[LAUGHING] 

RALPH: Wow, really? 

PLEBEIAN 6: What? 

PLEBEIAN 4: My mom's a vestal virgin. 

PLEBEIAN 3: He's a cook. That's what he is. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Keep dreaming Tiberious. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Hey, I'm going to gladiator school, all right? I'm graduating on the Ides of April. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Waste of money. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Yeah, let us know when your first fight is. It will be your last. 

[LAUGHING] 

PLEBEIAN 3: Oh, nice. 

RALPH: Well, I wish you luck with all of that. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Yeah, I'll go next. I'm Festus. 

[LAUGHING] 

PLEBEIAN 5: Can you guess what I do? 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh, my gods. 

[INAUDIBLE] 

PLEBEIAN 5: Let me give you a hint I'm a mender of weary soles. 

RALPH: Huh, weary souls. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Shoes—he fixes shoes. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Cobbler. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Shoes. 

RALPH: Mender of weary soles. I get it. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Yeah, pretty good, huh? 

RALPH: Clever. Who's next? 

PLEBEIAN 3: Sure. Lucretia. I work at the Colosseum. Concessions, body removal. Sometimes, if it's a slow week, I'll get to feed the lions. That's pretty fun. Mostly they just have me clean out the vomitoria. Gets pretty messy. 

RALPH: Vomitoria? So that's a real thing. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Of course it's a thing. How else would we get everyone out of the stadium? 

RALPH: Oh. I thought it was like a place where people would go to vomit, like in a trough. 

PLEBEIAN: Ew! 

PLEBEIAN: No! 

PLEBEIAN: That's horrible. 

PLEBEIAN: What's that—no! 

PLEBEIAN 1: We're not animals. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Why would you ever do that? 

PLEBEIAN 3: No, it's—you know, the big tunnels under the stadium where all the people come pouring out once the fight's over. 

RALPH: Interesting word. So it's like the stadium itself is vomiting people, as they exit these big tunnels. 

PLEBEIAN 3: I guess. 

RALPH: Let's see. Who's left? 

PLEBEIAN 3: Decimus. I'm a goldsmith. I'm a very good goldsmith. Fashionmygold.com. 20% off your first order. 

RALPH: Um, please. We said no advertising. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Well, he did it. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Who, me? All I said was fixmychariot.com. 

PLEBEIAN 3: See? He just did it again. 

RALPH: Gentlemen, please. So you're a goldsmith. That sounds like a pretty good job. 

PLEBEIAN 3: It depends. It depends on how much gold is flowing into the city and how secure people feel about the future. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Yeah, and where do you think that gold comes from? Where do you think that security comes from? Do you think they grow on trees? 

RALPH: I'm sorry. I don't think I caught your name. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Antonia. My name is Antonia. And it just so happens that my husband and four boys and seven uncles and all my cousins—there are many of them—are responsible for all that gold and security. 

PLEBEIAN 3: We've all got relatives fighting the wars, Antonia. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Huh. Nobody has more relatives than I do out in the field. Oh, and what do I do for a living, as you say? I work my fingers to the bone holding these households together. 

PLEBEIAN 5: It's tough work. 

PLEBEIAN 3: I bet you've got an army of servants helping you out. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Thank you for saying so. 

RALPH: So the Roman soldiers are paid a good wage? 

PLEBEIAN 3: Of course. That's one of the ways that gold is getting back into Rome. And that's one of the reasons why your audience needs to know about fashionmygold.com. 

[GROANS] 

PLEBEIAN 3: What? Besides, now that Caesar's defeated Pompey in Spain, those legions are going to be coming back to Rome. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Wait. Spanish legions are coming home? 

PLEBEIAN 6: Just stay in Spain? 

PLEBEIAN 3: Of course. 

PLEBEIAN 5: What, have you been living under a rock? 

PLEBEIAN 1: My husband is coming home. 

RALPH: So Caesar's defeat of Pompey's sons was a pretty big deal. 

[SCOFFING] 

PLEBEIAN 3: Of course it was. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Oh, that was awesome. Caesar's the best, isn't he? 

PLEBEIAN 6: I like the thing where we go subjugating people. 

PLEBEIANS: Cae-sar! Cae-sar! Cae-sar! Cae-sar! Cae-sar! 

RALPH: Okay, Okay. 

PLEBEIANS: Cae-sar! 

RALPH: Okay, Okay! Oh! 

PLEBEIANS: Cae-sar! 

RALPH: Settle down. Settle down, please. Thank you. That actually brings us to why we're all here. Because, of course, as you know, Caesar is dead. He's just been killed. 

[MURMURING] 

PLEBEIAN 6: He was alive last week, and he's dead this week. 

PLEBEIAN 4: How bloody is this going to get? 

PLEBEIAN 5: I mean, does that mean I have to pick sides again? I hate picking sides! It's horrible. 

PLEBEIAN 6: We need to know what happened, though. We need to know what happened! 

PLEBEIAN 2: We will be satisfied. 

PLEBEIAN 6: We will be satisfied! 

RALPH: Please calm down. There's a lot happening. I understand that. Let's get down to business. So all of you—or, actually, all of Rome—have gone to the marketplace to learn the news about what's just happened. And you've heard that Brutus will be addressing the crowd. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh. Yeah. That guy. 

[INTERPOSING VOICES] 

PLEBEIAN 1: Let's get him in here. 

PLEBEIAN 5: I like him. Yeah. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. So that's what I'm here to tell you about, to get your reaction to Brutus's speech. After calming the crowd down and reminding you how much you honor Brutus—

PLEBEIAN 5: Quite. We gotta honor that guy. 

PLEBEIAN 3: We do. 

PLEBEIAN 6: We totally honor him. 

RALPH: —he says that if any of you considered yourselves dear friends of Caesar—

PLEBEIAN 5: Well, I did. I loved Caesar. He was a good guy. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Caesar, Caesar maniac. 

RALPH: —he loved Caesar as much as any of you. 

PLEBEIAN 5: He did love Caesar. That's true. 

[INTERPOSING VOICES] 

PLEBEIAN 5: I love him. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Wait, whoa, whoa—

PLEBEIAN 5: You know, that's why we make him buttons. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Well, then—then—then, why did he kill him? 

RALPH: Well, very good question. That's exactly what he says next. He says, not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more. 

[MURMURING] 

RALPH: Well, then he asks if you'd rather Caesar were living and all of you would die as slaves, or have Caesar dead and live as free people. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Ah, syntax is a little—

PLEBEIAN 5: Could you say that just one more time? 

PLEBEIAN 1: Too many words. 

RALPH: Sure, sure. Caesar alive, you die as slaves. Caesar dead, you live free. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh! 

PLEBEIAN 5: Oh, yeah. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Okay. All right. 

PLEBEIAN 5: That makes sense. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, it's a no-brainer. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yup, yup. 

RALPH: Then he says—and he's a really good speaker, as you know, this guy—as Caesar loved me, I weep for him. As he was fortunate, I rejoice at it. As he was valiant, I honor him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him. There's tears for his love, joy for his fortune, honor for his valor, and death for his ambition. 

[MURMURING] 

RALPH: And he ends by asking which of you would rather be a slave, because that's the only person he could have offended by killing Caesar. He asks, which of you is not a Roman? Which of you is so vile—his word—that you don't love your country? Anybody? 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh! Those are actual questions? I thought—I thought they were rhetorical. The senator types like to do that. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Ugh. I know. 

PLEBEIAN 1: I hate when they use rhetoric. 

RALPH: Yes, no, these are real questions. So would any of you, A, rather be a slave than free? B, not call yourselves Roman? Or C, not love your country? Sounds like those are the people that Brutus thinks would be offended by what's happened. Does that apply to any of you? 

PLEBEIAN 1: No. 

PLEBEIAN 3: No. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Definitely not me. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Nah. 

PLEBEIAN 1: What are you implying? 

RALPH: Well, then that's it! He says that Caesar's death will go down in the official records, noting the good that he did, but also mentioning the bad that he did, for which he died. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Sounds right. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Makes sense. 

PLEBEIAN 6: It's logical that someone would do that. 

RALPH: Then you all notice that Mark Antony has come in, bearing the body of Caesar. But Brutus is quick to point out that Mark Antony had no role in the killing of Julius Caesar, and that he speaks only with the permission of Brutus. He's Caesar's friend, after all. And so he's come to speak at this, his funeral. And then, Mark Antony can have a place in the new republic, just as all of you can. 

PLEBEIAN 5:  Nice. 

PLEBEIAN 4: I like the Brutus guy. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Yeah. 

RALPH: And then he leaves, saying, with this I depart. That as I slew my best lover for the good of Rome, I have the same dagger for myself—

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh! 

PLEBEIAN 3: Oh. 

RALPH: —when it shall please my country to need my death. 

PLEBEIAN 6: What? 

PLEBEIAN 2: Wow. 

PLEBEIAN 4: What? 

PLEBEIAN 2: What a guy. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Such a class act. 

PLEBEIAN 6: He loves his country, doesn't he? 

PLEBEIAN 5: He's a good guy. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Live! Live, Brutus! 

PLEBEIANS: Live! Live! Live! Live! Live! 

PLEBEIAN 5: Let him be Caesar! 

PLEBEIAN 6: Let Caesar's better parts be crowned in Brutus. 

RALPH: OK. Just remember that he wants you to listen to Mark Antony, still. 

PLEBEIAN 5: We should hear what he has to say. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah, that Caesar was kind of a tyrant. 

PLEBEIAN 2: He better not say anything bad about Brutus. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Good thing they killed him. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Okay, quiet down. Let's hear what Antony says. 

RALPH: Well, he has a lot to say. You should really read the whole transcript at some point. But I'll try to sum it up for you. Basically, he acknowledges that Brutus did call Caesar ambitious, but that he's not sure what Brutus is referring to. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Hey, don't badmouth Brutus! 

PLEBEIAN 6: He was ambitious, all right. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Man, I hate Caesar. 

RALPH: Okay, Okay. Antony makes very clear that Brutus and the others are honorable men. 

PLEBEIAN 4: He saved him from Caesar. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. Damn right, he is. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Okay, yeah. 

RALPH: But he's just wondering about some things. For example, Caesar was a really good friend to Antony. Caesar brought many captives to Rome who were ransomed for a lot of money. Caesar really cared about the poor. In fact, he would cry when he thought about their suffering. Antony's not sure that paints the picture of an ambitious man. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh. I'm kind of sad myself. 

RALPH: Oh, and he reminds you that at the feast of the Lupercal, he offered Caesar a crown three times. And three times, Caesar refused it. So he's wondering why you're not sad that Caesar is dead. And then he cries a little himself. He's pretty worked up. 

PLEBEIAN 6: What? 

PLEBEIAN 3: Poor guy. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Death makes me sad. 

PLEBEIAN 3: He's making a lot of sense. 

PLEBEIAN 5: You know, Caesar was treated pretty badly by those guys, if you ask me. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Poor Antony. If he's crying, there must be something messed up. 

PLEBEIAN 4: Yeah, what else did he say? 

RALPH: Well, he says that he could really make you guys mad about all of this, but he doesn't want to go against Brutus and Cassius and the others. They're honorable guys, right? So, rather than wronging them, he'll have to wrong Caesar and himself and all of you. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Well, that doesn't seem right. 

PLEBEIAN 6: That's not right. 

PLEBEIAN 2: Then what? 

RALPH: Well, let's see. Oh, right. Well, then he says that he has Caesar's will with him. Though I don't know where he got that.  But he doesn't want to read it, because then you would get really upset that a guy that loved you so much has been killed. You would want to dip your clothes in Caesar's blood. He would be like a god to you if you knew what was in this will. 

PLEBEIAN 6: It's a will? 

PLEBEIAN 4: Well, I'd like to know what it says. 

RALPH: But he doesn't want to upset Brutus and the other guys. You know, the honorable ones. 

PLEBEIAN 6: What? 

PLEBEIAN 3: They're not honorable. 

PLEBEIAN 1: They're murderers! 

PLEBEIAN 5: Ralph, what's the will say? 

RALPH: Okay, Okay. Sounds like you want to hear the will, or whatever it is that he has. But before he reads it, he has you all gather around the body. Oh. That's—that's not necessary. 

[INTERPOSING VOICES] 

PLEBEIAN 6: That seems a bit excessive? 

PLEBEIAN 1: Is this hygienic? 

PLEBEIAN 6: That's—actually, that's—wow. 

RALPH: So this next part is a little gruesome. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Tell us. 

PLEBEIAN 3: Tell us. 

RALPH: Well, he kind of takes you on a little tour of the different stab wounds. So that's where Cassius struck. That's the hole that Casca made. Here's the place where Brutus put his dagger in, which, as Antony points out, was pretty surprising to Caesar, because Brutus loved him so much. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. 

RALPH: He kind of suggested that the betrayal by Brutus was actually what killed Caesar, not all of the stab wounds. 

PLEBEIAN 3: That's so sad. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Yeah. That's super wrecked. 

RALPH: And that's when, according to Antony, Caesar fell and Rome fell at the hands of these traitors. 

PLEBEIAN 6: O piteous spectacle! 

PLEBEIAN 3: O noble Caesar! 

PLEBEIAN 5: O woeful day! 

PLEBEIAN 1: O traitors! Villains! 

PLEBEIAN 2: O bloody sight! 

PLEBEIAN 6: We'll be revenged. 

PLEBEIANs: Revenge! Burn! Pillage! Burn! Kill! Slay! Kill! Slay! 

RALPH: Please, gentlemen, please. I can see that you're pretty upset. But I can't help but notice how fast everything's changing here.  Just a few minutes ago, you were all clamoring to build a statue of Brutus. You loved him so much. And now you want to kill him. It just seems like your alliances are shifting incredibly quickly, based on a couple of impressive speeches by some savvy politicians. Doesn't it seem just a little bit disturbing that they're able to sway you so easily? 

PLEBEIANS: Burn! Slay! Kill! Slay! Burn! Kill! Slay! Slay! 

RALPH: Okay, Okay. Fine. But it is my job to inform you that there's still the matter of the will. 

PLEBEIAN 6: Oh, right. Yeah. 

PLEBEIAN 1: Okay. Let's go to that. 

RALPH: Well, Okay. So it sounds like, according to Antony, Caesar left in his will to each one of you 75 drachmas. Is that a lot of money? 

PLEBEIANS: Yeah! 

[INTERPOSING VOICES] 

PLEBEIAN 1: That's as many drachmas as I have cousins! 

PLEBEIAN 5: I could buy all the awls I could ever need! 

RALPH: He's also left you all of his private parks and gardens and orchards, for you and all of your descendants. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Wow. 

PLEBEIAN 6: What a guy. 

PLEBEIAN 5: Hey, let's burn Caesar's body honorably. 

PLEBEIANS: Yeah! Yeah! 

PLEBEIAN 2: And then use the fire to light Brutus and Cassius on fire! 

PLEBEIANS: Burn it down! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Yeah! Burn! 

RALPH: Mischief, thou art afoot.