RALPH: Hello, and welcome to the show. 

SOOTHSAYER: Thanks for having me. 

RALPH: So you're what's known as a soothsayer. What is that exactly? 

SOOTHSAYER: Soothsayer—I tell it like it is. Or like it's going to be. I say the sooth. 

RALPH: And so, what is that exactly—the sooth? 

SOOTHSAYER: It's just another word for truth. I tell people the truth—the truth of their destinies, whether they like it or not. 

RALPH: So sooth just means truth. I wonder if it's related to our English word, to soothe. 

SOOTHSAYER: Soothe? What does that mean? 

RALPH: Well, to soothe something is to relax something. Something soothing is relaxing. Like nice music, or a massage. 

SOOTHSAYER: I guess the truth might do that sometimes. Not usually. Usually, the truth is not very soothing. Which is why people try to avoid it, I suppose. 

RALPH: People don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable. 

SOOTHSAYER: People usually do not want to hear what I have to say. 

RALPH: It must be a lonely job. 

SOOTHSAYER: Indeed. I mean, lots of human interaction, but people are just using me for information, usually. But somebody has got to do it. It's a calling, really. A calling from the gods themselves. 

RALPH: Yes, well let's talk about that a little bit. How do you know the future? 

SOOTHSAYER: How? I'm a haruspex, of course. 

RALPH: Excuse me? 

SOOTHSAYER: I practice haruspicy. I'm a haruspex. 

RALPH: Haruspicy. 

SOOTHSAYER: Yes, that's what a haruspex does. 

RALPH: A haruspex. 

SOOTHSAYER: A haruspex. I do haruspicy. 

RALPH: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about. 

SOOTHSAYER: Oh, well why didn't you say so? The goal of any soothsayer is to know the will of the gods. And we can know the will of the gods by properly interpreting the signs on the liver of a ritually sacrificed animal. Usually a chicken. Or a sheep, if the client is important enough, of course. 

RALPH: Really? So gods leave messages on the livers of sacrificed animals. Huh. I wonder why it works that way. 

SOOTHSAYER: Well how else do you expect the gods to communicate with us? Are they going to write a message on the wall of the forum? They don't want to make it too easy for us. And besides, I would be out of a job. And this way they get something out of us. 

RALPH: The sacrificed animals, you mean. 

SOOTHSAYER: That's right. They absolutely adore the smell of roasting animal flesh. And the gods—well they're the gods. They like a little give and take. We give them something, they give us a little something. 

RALPH: In this case, a look into the future. 

SOOTHSAYER: That's right. And let me tell you, Caesar is in a lot of trouble. 

RALPH: Yes, it certainly seems that way. But let's set this up a little bit. So Caesar has just come back to Rome. 

SOOTHSAYER: So he's celebrating his triumph, which makes it very difficult to talk to him. He's surrounded by people. It's hard even to get close to him. And he's a little full of himself right now, too, if you don't mind me saying so. 

RALPH: Not at all. 

SOOTHSAYER: So time is running out. I've got to get his attention. 

RALPH: Right. So there you are in the crowd. And you've got to get attention, as you said. So you yell his name. Or, as Caesar puts it, "I hear a tongue shriller than all the music cry, Caesar!" 

SOOTHSAYER: A tongue shriller than all the music? Did he really say that? 

RALPH: His exact words. 

SOOTHSAYER: I'm going to let you in on a little secret here, Ralph. Do you know what the most important qualification for a soothsayer is? The voice. I mean, anybody can sacrifice a sheep, pull out the liver, examine the signs. But what good will that do if nobody listens? Or if they listen, but nobody takes it to heart? So in haruspicy training, we spend a lot of time on the voice. Now any haruspex worth his salt perfects two basic kinds of voice. You've got your hey buddy, over here voice, and your you had better take seriously what I'm saying voice. 

RALPH: So I take it this Caesar was in the hey buddy, over here voice. 

SOOTHSAYER: Right. So we've got a big crowd, Caesar is not paying attention, there's a lot of entourage. Caesar! 

RALPH: Wow. You got my attention. 

SOOTHSAYER: Now you try it. 

RALPH: Me? 

SOOTHSAYER: Yeah, give it a shot. Caesar! 

RALPH: No, I couldn't. No. 

SOOTHSAYER: Come on. Listen, don't tell anybody, but it's easier than it looks. It's mostly a matter of not minding if you look like a fool. Caesar! 

RALPH: Caesar! 

SOOTHSAYER: That's a start. Caesar! 

RALPH: Caesar! 

SOOTHSAYER: Again. 

RALPH: Caesar! 

SOOTHSAYER: There you go. With more feeling. 

RALPH: Caesar! 

SOOTHSAYER: Caesar! 

RALPH: Caesar! Caesar! 

SOOTHSAYER: OK, buddy. Take it easy. You've got my attention. 

RALPH: Well and you get Caesar's, as I was saying. 

SOOTHSAYER: Right. So bam, I've got his attention. Now I need to switch over to that other voice. 

RALPH: The take seriously what I'm saying voice. 

SOOTHSAYER: Beware the Ides of March. 

RALPH: Oh my. That does sound serious. 

SOOTHSAYER: Thank you. I'm known for my serious voice, actually. So what does Caesar say? Let's hear it. 

RALPH: Oh, right. Well Caesar doesn't quite hear you. He's a little hard of hearing in one ear. Actually, during one of the battles in Gaul, there was this—well, the details don't matter. Anyway, so he has you brought closer to him. And he asks you what you said. And you say? 

SOOTHSAYER: The only thing I can say. Beware the Ides of March. You know, you can't get into a conversation with people about this stuff. Because then people think it's about the conversation. People start asking questions. Yada, yada, yada. It's best to stay on message. You tell them how it is, and hope that they listen. 

RALPH: Well I'm afraid he doesn't in this case. Caesar calls you a dreamer, and then they all walk away. 

SOOTHSAYER: What can I do? I see this all the time. The truth is hard to listen to. Especially if it's bad news. And now, he's riding high. This is a man who feels fully in control of his destiny. He thinks he has just proved that in battle. It's like he's thinking he's getting a big thumbs up from the universe. So he's not going to want to believe what I have to say to him. 

RALPH: And believe what, exactly? I mean, what do you mean, "beware the Ides of March"? 

SOOTHSAYER: How simple does it need to be, Ralph? Ides of March—you know, March 15th. Beware. 

RALPH: Beware. But beware what? It seems a little vague. 

SOOTHSAYER: We don't get a lot of specifics, I'm sorry to say. It makes the job a lot tougher, I'll tell you. Everybody wants specifics. All I know is that that sheep's liver was a total mess. Not a lot of subtlety in that one. No, it's pretty clear some pretty bad sheep doody is going down tomorrow. 

RALPH: And it's your job to warn him. 

SOOTHSAYER: Well it's the only responsible thing to do, isn't it? 

RALPH: Well, so now that brings me to my next question. What's the point of predicting something if it's just going to happen anyway? 

SOOTHSAYER: Ah, well—yeah. No, it's an important question. It's a good question, Ralph. Well I didn't really want to get into this before—it's not exactly haruspicy 101. It's a bit more advanced. And frankly, the whole issue will just make your brain hurt if you think about it too much. The reason we don't have more specifics is that the specifics, at least a lot of them, are not set in stone. 

RALPH: So as it stands the world is headed to some pretty bad stuff tomorrow. And Caesar is in the center of it. That's what I know. Now with a little heads up from me, maybe it won't be so bad. Or maybe the bad stuff will still happen, but now Caesar is prepared. And he will handle it a little better than he would have otherwise. 

SOOTHSAYER: Now some stuff is just flat out feinted. And this might be one of those situations. You can't know for sure. So all you can do is deliver the message, and let the chips fall where they may. 

RALPH: But now Caesar has called you a dreamer. So it doesn't seem like he's taking you very seriously. 

SOOTHSAYER: Could be, could be. But don't forget, Caesar is standing in this whole crowd of people, right? And he is Caesar, right? He may not want to let on that he's worried about predictions from some guy in the crowd, even with as good a voice as mine. 

RALPH: Well that's a good point. Caesar's whole reputation is as a guy who gets things done. It might be disturbing for the crowd to realize that he's not in control of everything. 

SOOTHSAYER: Exactly. And the gods don't like it either when people start thinking that they are in control of their fate. Anyway, Caesar is a pretty superstitious guy at heart, from what I hear. He knows that the science can be understood. So the message is in there. And it may yet have effect. 

RALPH: Well either way, Caesar has moved on. So I guess we're done, for now. 

SOOTHSAYER: For now. You know something I don't, Ralph? You read livers too, don't you? 

RALPH: I have my sources.