RALPH: Welcome back for the end of our discussion of The Tragedy of Hamlet. 

HAMLET: Tragedy? 

RALPH: At the beginning of Act 5, Scene 2, the final scene of the play, we find Hamlet explaining to Horatio what happened on the boat with Rosencranz and Guildenstern. Hamlet, do you mind telling us what happened? 

HAMLET: Sure. So I'm on the boat feeling pretty confused. And I decided I just need to do something. You know, sometimes when your plans are failing miserably, it's just good to do something rash to get the ball rolling. So I snuck in to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern's cabin. And I took the letter they were taking to England. You know what it said? 

RALPH: Um—

HAMLET: I'll tell you. It said that, upon my arrival that they should cut off my head. Can you believe that? 

RALPH: Really? 

HAMLET: So you know what I did. I took the letter, rewrote it, and put their names in instead of mine. 

RALPH: So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern will be killed instead of you? 

HAMLET: That's right. You know, they were in way over their head. 

RALPH: Hamlet, you seem like a new man. Is killing Claudius your next step? 

HAMLET: He hath killed my king, whored my mother, popped in between the election and my hopes. 

RALPH: Took your throne from you, you mean? 

HAMLET: And he tried to kill me. How can I not with a clean conscience kill him right now? 

RALPH: So what is your plan? Claudius is going to find out what happened in England pretty soon. 

HAMLET: Well, I'll take care of him soon enough. You know, the only regret I have was that little fight I had with Laertes. He is a good guy. 

RALPH: Speaking of Laertes, a member of Claudius' court shows up just then and says that Claudius has made a high-stakes bet with Laertes saying that you could beat him easily in a fencing match. He says that, in 12 passes, Laertes won't hit you more than three times. 

HAMLET: Hm, really? 

RALPH: Um, I'm sorry. Um—right now, here? Hamlet, this is a little unusual. But it seems that they've come here to the studio for the competition, the king, the queen, and Laertes. You could back out of this. We could find another time. It seems like this is a little bit of a setup. 

HAMLET: No, bring them in. If death doesn't come now, it'll come later. 

RALPH: OK. Send them in. 

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, I want you two to shake hands like men. 

HAMLET: I'm sorry. I know I've been acting crazy lately. But it's not me. It's my madness. 

LAERTES: OK. I'm not a man to hold a grudge. I'll let others decide if you've hurt my reputation. 

HAMLET: Friends then. 

LAERTES: Great. Let's do this. 

CLAUDIUS: You know the bet, Hamlet. 

HAMLET: I do. You are betting on the weaker side. 

CLAUDIUS: Oh, I don't think so. I've seen you both. And I'm giving the odds to Laertes. I'll tell you what, Hamlet. If you get the first or second hit, I'll drink to your health. And look, I'll toss this pearl into the cup as a little reward. The king drinks to Hamlet. All right, let's see it. 

[HAMLET AND LAERTES FIGHT]

HAMLET: One! 

LAERTES: No way.

HAMLET: Ralph?

RALPH: A very palpable hit. 

[CLAPPING] 

LAERTES: Let's go again. 

CLAUDIUS: Hold on. Let's have a quick one here. Hamlet, the pearl is yours, cheers. Come on, down the hatch. 

HAMLET: No, set it by. I'll do it after this. 

[SWORDS HITTING] 

HAMLET: Another hit. what say you? 

LAERTES: I admit you nicked me. 

[CLAPPING] 

CLAUDIUS: Our boy is going to win. 

GERTRUDE: If he doesn't wear himself out first. Here, Hamlet, take this. And cheers to you. 

CLAUDIUS: Uh, sweetie, don't do that. 

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, dear. 

HAMLET: Not yet, Mum. 

GERTRUDE: Let me wipe your brow. 

LAERTES: I'll get him now, Your Highness. 

CLAUDIUS: I'm not so sure about that. 

LAERTES: And yet is almost against my conscience. 

HAMLET: Come on, Laertes. You're toying with me. Give me your best shot. 

LAERTES: Have at you now. 

[SWORDS HITTING] 

CLAUDIUS: All right, that's enough. 

HAMLET: No, let's keep going. 

RALPH: Oh, dear, a little help over here. 

HAMLET: Mom? What's wrong with my mother? 

CLAUDIUS: Nothing, it's just getting a little too violent. 

GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink. Oh, my dear, Hamlet, the drink, the drink! I am poisoned. 

HAMLET: Oh, villiany. Ralph, lock the doors. Treachery, seek it out! 

LAERTES: It is here, Hamlet. Hamlet, thou art slain. No medicine in the world can do the good. The tip of the sword's envenomed. The foul practice hath turned itself on me. My mother's poisoned. I can no more. The king-- the king's to blame! The point envenomed, too! 

HAMLET: Then, venom, to thy work! 

RALPH: Oh, dear. 

CLAUDIUS: It's Okay. I'm all right. 

HAMLET: Here thou incestuous, murderous damned Dane. Drink off this poison! Follow my mother! 

CLAUDIUS: Oh, what the hell? 

LAERTES: Exchange forgiveness with me, Hamlet. Mine and my father's death come not upon thee nor thine on me. 

HAMLET: Heaven, makes thee free of it. I follow thee. Wretched queen, adieu! You look pale or tremble at this chance, that are but mutes or audience to this act. Had I but time, as this fell sergeant, death, is strict in his arrest—oh, I could tell you. But let it be. I am dead. Thou livest, report me and my cause a right to the unsatisfied. 

RALPH: Hamlet, there's some good news. Fortinbras has conquered Poland. And he's coming here next. 

HAMLET: I'll be dead by then, Ralph. Fortinbras should be king. Tell people what happened, Ralph. The rest is silence. 

[GASPS, HITS FLOOR] 

RALPH: Oh, dear. Wow. Well, hm, [SIGHS] now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. I can't believe I just said that. [SWALLOWING DRINK] Oh, crap. Sarah, same thing on your end? 

SARAH: I'm afraid so, Ralph. Seems that almost everyone here has met their death. And Fortinbras is busy taking over. I'm standing here with one of the ambassadors from England. You have some news? 

AMBASSADOR: Well, I'm here to report that RosencranTz and Guildenstern are dead. 

SARAH: Two more Danes to add to the body count. 

AMBASSADOR: But nobody here seems willing to thank us. What the hell happened? 

SARAH: A dark and tragic day, indeed. 

AMBASSADOR: I'm serious. Could someone please tell me what happened? 

SARAH: Sarah Siddons, reporting live from Helsingor. Ralph? 

RALPH: So the play comes to an end in a kind of circular fashion with Horatio offering to tell the story of how all this came to pass. So you can take Horatio's word for it, or you can check out the play yourself, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark by William Shakespeare. Please join us again next time—if there is a next time. 

[HEAD HITS TABLE]