Hamlet

Enough of that, now you’ll hear the rest of my tale. You remember the predicament in which I found myself.

Horatio

How could I forget, my lord?

Hamlet

Sir, there I was on the ship, so distraught I couldn’t sleep. It seemed that I was worse off than a mutineer in shackles. Rashly – and praise be to rashness – we must acknowledge that acting impulsively sometimes serves us well, especially when our well-laid plans fall apart. That should teach us that God has a divine plan, no matter how much we try to control our lives.

Horatio

That’s certain.

Hamlet

I put on my sea-coat and groped about in the dark until I found Rosencrantz and Guildenstern’s cabin. I accomplished my goal. I stole the packet containing their instructions and returned to my room. Being so bold, and forgetting my manners, I unsealed the instructions they were carrying to the King of England. What I found there – Oh, Horatio, the royal treachery – was a precise command, embellished with various reasons regarding the safety of the two kings and painting me as a bogeyman, that upon reading this letter – losing no time at all, not even to grind the ax – my head was to be chopped off.

Horatio

Is that possible?

Hamlet

Here's the document. You can read it at your leisure. Do you want to know what I did next?

Horatio

Please continue.

Hamlet

Thus, being surrounded by villains and before I even had a plan, my brain began working in automatic. I sat down, devised a new set of instructions, and wrote it out very neatly. I used to believe, like most important men, that good handwriting is for clerks. But I‘ve worked hard to overcome that attitude, and in this case my penmanship did me a great service. Do you want to know what I wrote?

Horatio

Yes, my lord.

Hamlet

A sincere oath of friendship from the King of Denmark: as England was his faithful supporter, as love between the two kings should flourish like a palm tree, as peace should forever link their affections – and many more such “as” clauses –  the King of England should, upon reading these contents, without any discussion, put the bearers of this letter to death, not even allowing them time to repent.

Horatio

How did you seal the document?

Hamlet

Why, even there, heaven smiled on me. In my bag, I had my father’s sealing ring, which has the same image as the official Danish seal. I folded the document like the original, signed it, pressed the ring into the sealing wax, and placed it safely back. The exchange was never discovered. The next day, we had our sea battle with the pirates, and what happened after that you already know.

Horatio

So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz go to their deaths.

Hamlet

They took pleasure in this assignment; they don’t weigh on my conscience. Their death comes from their own meddling. It’s always dangerous when subordinates get caught in the middle of a fight between powerful opponents.

Horatio

What a king he is!

Hamlet

Don’t you think that this obligates me to take action? This man who killed my father and seduced my mother, who ruined my chances of becoming king, who tried to have me killed – all with such treachery – aren’t I completely justified to pay him back with this arm? Wouldn’t it be shameful to let this cancer do further harm?

Horatio

Claudius will soon get news from England of the what’s happened there.

Hamlet

We only have a short time. But it’s mine to use, and a man’s life can be over by the time you count to one. I’m sorry that I forgot myself with Laertes. He’s suffering from the loss of his father, just as I’m suffering from the loss of mine. I’ll get back into his good graces. But his exaggerated grieving really bothered me.

Horatio

Who’s there?

Osric

Your lordship is very welcome back to Denmark.

Hamlet

I humbly thank you, sir. [Aside to Horatio] Do you know this dragonfly?

Horatio

[Aside to Hamlet] No, my good lord.

Hamlet

[Aside to Horatio] That’s to your honor; it’s a disgrace to know him. He’s got a lot of land, very profitable land. These days, if you’re the lord of pigs, they’ll put your feeding trough in the King’s dining hall. As I said, he’s a hillbilly, but he owns a lot of dirt.

Osric

[With his hat in his hand] My dear lord, if you possibly could spare a moment, I would be pleased to impart a word to you from his majesty, the King,

Hamlet

I’ll receive it, with all due diligence. Put your hat to its proper use; it’s for the head.

Osric

Thank you, my lordship. It’s very hot.

Hamlet

No, believe me, it’s very cold. The wind is from the north.

Osric

It’s very cold, my lord, indeed.

Hamlet

I think it’s rather sweltering, too hot for my tastes.

Osric

Exceedingly so, my lord, it’s extremely stifling, as it were ... I can’t describe it. But, my lord, his majesty has asked me to convey to you that he has placed a large wager on you. Sir, here’s the situation ...

Hamlet

I beseech you, remember what I said about your hat.

Osric

Oh, my good lord, thank you. Yes, of course. Sir, you know how excellent Laertes is with his weapon.

Hamlet

What's his weapon?

Osric

Sword and dagger.

Hamlet

That's two weapons – but, anyway, go on.

Osric

The King, sir, has bet him six Barbary horses, against which Laertes has piled up, as I take it, six French swords and daggers, with their accessories: belts, clips, and so on. Three of the carriages, truly, are extremely impressive, complementing very well the sword handles. They’re delicately worked carriages of very tasteful design.

Hamlet

What are these “carriages” you’re talking about?

Horatio

[Aside to Hamlet] I knew that you’d have to refer to the footnotes to figure out what he’s saying.

Osric

The carriage, sir, are the hangers.

Hamlet

The word “carriage” would be more appropriate if we were “carrying” cannons by our sides. As long as swords “hang” there, I prefer the word “hangers.” Go on, six Barbary horses against six French swords, their accessories, and three well-designed “carriages,” those are the wagers. And why have these wagers been “imponed”, as you call it?

Osric

The king, sir, has wagered that in a fencing match to 12 points, Laertes will not score 3 more hits than you. He’s betting that you’ll score 9 hits before Laertes gets 12. The match will take place immediately if you’ll grant an answer.

Hamlet

How would the match take place immediately if I answer “no.”

Osric

By “grant an answer”, my lord, I meant “accept the challenge.”

Hamlet

Sir, I’m going for a walk in the large hall, as it’s my normal exercise time. If someone brings some practice swords, if the other gentleman is willing, and if the King still desires this contest, I’ll win for him – if I can. If I can’t, then I’ll receive nothing but some shame and a few hits.

Osric

Shall I deliver your response with those exact words?

Hamlet

To that effect, sir, or in whatever flowery style to which you are inclined.

Osric

I offer my service to your lordship.

Hamlet

I praise the service you’re rendering to your lord, the King.

Hamlet

He does well to praise his own service; no one else is going to.

Horatio

Look at that fool running around like a newly hatched chick with a piece of shell on his head.

Hamlet

He’s such a flatterer; he probably paid compliments to his mother before he sucked on her nipple. And there are many more like him, doted on in this  undiscriminating age in which we live. They’ve learned pretentious phrases and social conventions, but these are just a collection of foamy mannerisms. That’s enough to fool most of society, but if you just blow on them their bubbles will burst.

Horatio

You’ll lose this wager, my lord.

Hamlet

I don’t think so. Ever since Laertes left for France, I’ve been practicing my fencing. You wouldn’t imagine what a bad feeling I’ve got about this, but it’s nothing.

Horatio

No, my lord ...

Hamlet

It’s nothing but foolishness, the sort of thing which would bother a woman.

Horatio

If you have a gut feeling, you should follow it. I’ll catch them and say that you’re not feeling well.

Hamlet

Not at all; I don’t believe in premonitions. Even the death of a sparrow is ordained by God. We’re all going to die, sooner or later. Being prepared for death, whenever it comes, is what matters. Since no one really understands our life on earth, what difference does it make if we leave it early?

Claudius

Come, Hamlet, take Laertes’ hand.

Hamlet

[To Laertes] Please pardon me, sir. I’ve done you wrong, but pardon me as a gentleman. Everyone here knows – and you must have heard – that I’ve been suffering from a mental disorder. Everything I’ve done to hurt your feelings, tarnish your honor, and earn your disapproval, I proclaim was due to my madness. Was it Hamlet who wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet.

If Hamlet is not himself, and, while he’s not himself, wrongs Laertes, then Hamlet didn’t do it. Hamlet denies it. Then who did it? Hamlet’s madness. If that’s so, then Hamlet is one of the those who has been wronged. Hamlet’s madness is Hamlet’s enemy. To the generous nobles assembled here, let my disavowal of any malicious intentions toward Laertes convince you that I’m as innocent as one who shot an arrow over his house and accidentally struck his brother.

Laertes

This appeases my hard feelings, which were my main motivation for taking revenge. But in regard to my honor, I’ll wait. I’ll make no formal reconciliation until I’ve consulted some experienced authorities on the subject, and I have a settlement, based on precedence, which ensures that my reputation is unblemished. Meanwhile, I accept your statements as sincere and I’ll do you no wrong.

Hamlet

I welcome your response, and I’ll play out our friendly wager without restraint. Give us the foils.

Laertes

Come, a foil for me.

Hamlet

I’ll be your foil, Laertes. Compared to me, your skill will sparkle like a star on a dark night.

Laertes

You mock me, sir.

Hamlet

No, I swear by this hand, I don’t.

Claudius

Give them the foils, Osric.

Hamlet, you know the wager?

Hamlet

Yes, my lord. But your grace has bet on the weaker side.

Claudius

I doubt it; I’ve seen both of you practice. But since he’s thought to be better, we have the odds in our favor.

Laertes

This foil is too heavy, let me see another.

Hamlet

This one suits me. Do all these foils have the same length?

Osric

Yes, my lord.

Claudius

Put the cups of wine on the table. If Hamlet wins the first or second hit, or pays Laertes back by winning the third exchange, have the battlements fire their cannon. I’m going to drink to Hamlet’s superior stamina, and in the cup I’m going to drop an exquisite pearl, more expensive than any in the Danish crown. Give me the cups. Let the kettledrums signal to the trumpets, the trumpets to the cannons, the cannons to the heavens, and the heavens back to the earth: “The King drinks to Hamlet.” Come, begin. And you, judges, keep a careful eye on them.

Hamlet

Come on, sir.

Laertes

Come, sir.

Hamlet

One.

Laertes

No.

Hamlet

Judgment.

Osric

A hit, a very noticeable hit.

Laertes

Okay, let’s go again.

Claudius

Wait, give me a drink. Hamlet, this pearl is yours.

Here's to your health. Give him the cup.

Hamlet

I'll play this bout first. Set it aside a while. Come on.

Another hit, what do you say?

Laertes

A touch, a touch, I admit it.

Claudius

[To the Queen] Our son’s going to win.

Gertrude

He’s sweating, and out of breath. [To Hamlet] Here’s a towel; dry your face. The Queen toasts to your good fortune, Hamlet.

Hamlet

Thank you, mother.

Claudius

Gertrude, do not drink.

Gertrude

I will, my lord, excuse me.

Claudius

[Aside] It’s the poisoned cup. It’s too late.

Hamlet

I don’t dare drink yet, mother – in a while.

Gertrude

Come, let me wipe your face.

Laertes

[Aside to King] My lord, I'll hit him now.

Claudius

[Aside to Laertes] I don’t think so.

Laertes

[Aside] And yet it’s almost against my conscience.

Hamlet

Come on, the third pass, Laertes. You’re just dallying. Give me your best shot. I think you’re just toying with me.

Laertes

You think so? Come on.

Osric

No point either way.

Laertes

I’ll get you now!

Claudius

Separate them! They’re enraged.

Hamlet

No, come again.

Osric

See to the Queen!

Horatio

They’re both bleeding.  [To Hamlet] How are you, my lord?

Osric

How are you, Laertes?

Laertes

Why, I’m like a bird caught in my own trap, Osric. I’m justly killed by my own treachery.

Hamlet

How’s the queen?

Claudius

She just fainted after seeing the blood.

Gertrude

No, no, the drink, the drink ‒ oh, my dear Hamlet ‒ the drink, the drink! I’m poisoned.

Hamlet

Oh, villainy! Lock the doors. Treachery! Find out who it is.

Laertes

It’s me. Hamlet, you’re dead. No medicine in the world can help you. You haven’t half an hour left to live. The treacherous weapon is in your hand, missing its safety guard and poisoned. But my foul trick has backfired on me. Here I lie, never to get up again. Your mother’s poisoned. There’s nothing I can do. The King, the King’s to blame.

Hamlet

The point’s poisoned too? Then, poison, do your work.

All

Treason, treason!

Claudius

Oh, defend me, friends; I’m only hurt.

Hamlet

Here, you incestuous, murderous, damned Dane; finish off this potion. Is your union here? No, then follow my mother.

Laertes

He deserves it. He himself prepared the poison. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet. Mine and my father’s death are not your fault. Nor is your death mine.

Hamlet

May heaven absolve you of my death. I follow you. I’m dead, Horatio. Wretched Queen, goodbye. [To the assembled nobles] You, who look pale and tremble at this affair, who are only a silent audience to this act, if I had the time – but this cruel policeman, Death, is prompt in making his arrest – I could tell you ... but I’ll let that go. Horatio, I’m dead but you’re alive. Give an accurate report of what I’ve done and why to those who don’t know.

Horatio

Never. I’m more an honorable ancient Roman than a Dane, and there’s still some of the poisoned wine left.

Hamlet

Give me the cup! Let go! By God, let me have it. Oh, Horatio, what a ruined reputation I would leave behind me with the facts being unknown. If I’ve ever held a place in your heart, hold off on your peaceful death for a while, and in this harsh world undertake the painful retelling of my story.

What are those warlike noises?

Osric

Young Fortinbras, returning from Poland in triumph, has fired off a salute to the English diplomats who have just arrived.

Hamlet

Oh, I’m dying, Horatio. That strong poison quite overcomes me. I won’t live to hear the news from England, but I predict that the Danish nobles will select Fortinbras as their next king. He has my dying support. Tell him, given the various events which have been brought about ... the rest is silence.

Horatio

Now a noble heart is broken! Good night, sweet Prince. May singing angels carry you to your resting place.

Why are these drummers coming here?

Fortinbras

What a sight!

Horatio

What would you like to see? If it’s anything to do with sorrow or destruction, you’ve found it.

Fortinbras

These corpses reveal a slaughter. Oh, proud Death, what feast is being prepared in your everlasting dungeon, that so many princes were bloodily struck down in one fell swoop?

Ambassador

This is a dismal sight. We come too late from England – the ears are deaf which should have heard our report – to tell King Claudius that his commandment is fulfilled, that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Who will thank us?

Horatio

Not from his mouth, even if it had the ability to thank you. He never gave the orders for their death. But since you’ve stumbled upon this bloody state of affairs – you from your war in Poland, and you from England – give orders for these bodies to be placed on a stage for viewing, and let me explain to the unknowing world how these events came about. You’ll hear of passionate, bloody, and unnatural acts, of accidental decisions and unintentional slaughters, of deaths by cunning and by violent intentions, and of plans falling back on their inventors’ heads. I can truly deliver all this.

Fortinbras

Call together all the nobility, and let’s hear the story right away. As for me, it is with sorrow that I embrace what good fortune now comes my way. I have a historical claim to the throne of Denmark, which my current advantageous position invites me to put forward.

Horatio

Regarding that, I’ll make public Hamlet’s opinion which will draw more supporters to your cause. But for now, with everyone in a frenzy, we had better do what I just proposed in order to prevent more unfortunate errors.

Fortinbras

Let four captains carry Hamlet’s body to the stage as if he were a slain soldier, because it is likely, had he been put to the test, that he would have proved himself a most royal soldier. At the funeral, play military hymns and perform a military ceremony. Take away the body. A sight like this is appropriate on the battlefield; here, it’s offensive. Have the soldiers fire a salute.