RALPH: Welcome back. It's the start of Act five, which means the story of Hamlet is quickly coming to an end. We're hoping Hamlet will join us in a few moments now that he's back in Denmark. But Act five opens in a churchyard with two grave diggers—or clowns, as Shakespeare calls them—preparing a new grave. It's a somber setting for one of the few comical scenes in Hamlet. They're standing by now with Sarah. 

SARAH: That's right, Ralph. I'm standing here with the clowns in question, who seem to be in an argument over whether or not they should be preparing this gravesite on church grounds, given that the unnamed victim was a suicide. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: That's right, and you can't give a suicide or a Christian burial. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Yeah, but the coroner looked her over and said to give her a Christian burial, so that's what we got to do. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: But how could he say that? Unless she drowned herself in self-defense. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: How can you drown yourself in self-defense? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Well, beats me, but that's the only way that she could get a Christian burial. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Well, then, I guess that's what happened. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Well, yeah, it must have been. 

SARAH: I'm sorry. What happened? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Oh, you're a little slow, huh? Don't feel bad. Okay, look. Let me explain it to you. Okay, let's just pretend this is the water, and this is the man. 

SARAH: Right. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Now, now, if the man goes to the water and drowns himself, then that's what he does. You see, that's a straightforward case. But if the water goes to the man and drowns him, then he doesn't drown himself. Therefore, he that is not guilty of his own death shortens not his own life. Oh, here. Come here.  

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: I'll tell you what I think. If she hadn't have been one of them snooty noblewoman types, she wouldn't have had a Christian burial. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Ain't that the truth? You'd think they kill themselves more often given that kind of a deal. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Hey, hey, I got a riddle for you. 

SARAH: Oh, I think we're running out of time. Back— 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Who builds stronger than a carpenter—no, no, no. Let me say it this way. You got me? You with me? 

SARAH: Yes, I'm quite ready. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Who builds stronger than a mason, a ship builder, or a carpenter? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Oh, yeah. This is good. This is good, yeah. No, you get this, and we'll give you the rest of the day off. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 

SARAH: I don't know. Who? 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: I'll tell you who. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Tell her. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Yeah, sure. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: What an idiot. It's a grave digger. That's who. Yeah. 

SARAH: I don't understand. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: It's a grave digger. The houses we build last until doomsday. 

SECOND GRAVEDIGGER: Mwa-ha-ha-ha. 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: You get it? Okay, now, go get us some booze. Go get us some booze. Go on. Doomsday-- get it? Grave digger. 

SARAH: Back to you, Ralph. 

RALPH: Thanks, Sarah. And just in time for us to have Hamlet back in studio. Welcome back, Hamlet. We weren't sure we'd see you again here. 

HAMLET: Surprise. 

RALPH: So lots to catch up on, but first, let's talk about what just happened. You and Horatio come across a grave digger in the churchyard. 

HAMLET: Mm-hm. And he's singing at the top of his lungs, while digging a grave. It's kind of messed up. 

RALPH: Well, I guess if it's your job, you get used to it. So he's tossing around a human skull. And if you hold on, I happen to have one right here. Let's see. Can you tell us what you say about it? 

HAMLET: Well, look at it. There used to be a tongue in there. This head used to sing just like that grave digger. Now, what is it? Just a bunch of bones, rubble. It's weird. 

RALPH: I guess that's true. 

HAMLET: This could have been a lawyer. Where are your arguments now? Or a real estate tycoon—where is all your land? All you have now is a little bit of dirt. I wonder who this used to be. 

RALPH: Well, perhaps, we could find out. Do we still have the grave digger? Sarah? 

SARAH: Of course, Ralph. She's right here. 

HAMLET: Can you tell me whose grave you're digging? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Mine, sir. 

HAMLET: No, I mean, who's going to lie in it? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Oh, I guess I'm not going to lie in it, am I? But I told you it was mine, and I'm not going to lie in it. So I guess I was lying in it. [WHEEZY LAUGH] 

HAMLET: Who's the guy that's going to be buried in it? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Oh, it's not a guy, sir. 

HAMLET: Is it for a woman? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: No, it's not a woman, sir. 

HAMLET: Who, then? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Well, she used to be a woman, but she's dead now. 

HAMLET: This guy's really starting to piss me off. What is this-- your first day on the job? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Oh, no. I've been a grave digger for a long time, sir, ever since young Hamlet was born-- you know, the one that went nutso and got shipped off to England. 

HAMLET: Oh, is that right? And why was he sent to England? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Like I said, he went bonkers. 

HAMLET: Look, can you just tell me whose skull this is? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Ha, that? A horse, a mad fellows, it was a pestilence on him. Yeah, he poured a bottle of wine on my head once. That skull, that's Yorick's skull, the king's jester. 

HAMLET: What, this? 

FIRST GRAVEDIGGER: Did I say something wrong? 

RALPH: Is everything all right? 

HAMLET: Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Ralph. He was my father's jester at court. 

RALPH: So you must have grown up around this guy? 

HAMLET: He was so funny. He practically raised me. Look at him now. This is where the lips were that used to kiss me to bed every night. Can't crack a joke now, can you? Finally at a loss for words. You should tell my girlfriend that if she puts on makeup an inch thick, she'll still end up like you in the end. You'll make her laugh at that. 

RALPH: Excuse me. I'm sorry, Hamlet. It seems that in the midst of your meditation on death, the king and his retinue arrive in a burial procession. 

HAMLET: Really? Is my mom with them? 

RALPH: Yes. Well, Laertes complains that the ceremony hasn't been very elaborate. But the priest explains that since the woman had committed suicide, she shouldn't be buried in the churchyard at all. But the king has insisted. Laertes is pretty upset, and he tells the priest, "A ministering angel shall my sister be, when thou liest howling." 

HAMLET: Sister? What, the fair Ophelia? 

RALPH: Yes, I'm afraid so. Your mother scatters flowers on her coffin, and she says that she had hoped that these flowers would have been tossed onto your bed on your wedding night instead of onto Ophelia's grave. Laertes is quite upset, as you can imagine, so he jumps into the grave with his dead sister and asks that dirt be poured upon them both, onto the quick and the dead, until it forms the highest mountain, reaching to the gods. 

HAMLET: What is he to be so tragic? I should be buried in that grave with her. 

RALPH: Well, that's exactly what you do next. You jump into the grave, and Laertes tries to strangle you. 

HAMLET: Does he? Well, he should be careful, because I have a very short fuse nowadays. 

RALPH: Well, the attendants pulled the two of you apart. 

HAMLET: Let us fight. I will fight with him 'til death. 

RALPH: Well, yes, but fight about what, exactly? 

HAMLET: I loved Ophelia. 40,000 brothers with all their quantity of love cannot make up my sum. What will he do for her? Will he fight, cry, starve himself, eat a crocodile? I'll do it too, and more. He wants to jump into her grave. I'll be buried alive with her. What is this problem he has with me anyway? I always liked him. Whatever. Can we move on, please? 

RALPH: Well, that's what happens next. You suddenly leave the graveyard, and the scene ends with Claudius trying to calm Laertes down. 

HAMLET: He does, does he? 

RALPH: Yes, he does. And that brings us to Act five, Scene two, the final scene in the story of Hamlet. How will it all end? 

HAMLET: So I kill him, right? 

RALPH: We'll find out right after this.