Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bring Hamlet back to Claudius. Hamlet, still acting insane, refuses to answer Claudius directly. Instead, he cleverly insults Claudius, but cloaks his digs in what sounds like nonsense. Finally, Hamlet drops a hint about the location of the body. After sending some of his attendants to retrieve it, Claudius tells Hamlet that he’s being sent to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Once Hamlet leaves, Claudius reveals his true plan: as soon as Hamlet arrives in England, he’ll be put to death by the English court.
Claudius
I‘ve sent people to find him and the body. How dangerous it is, that Hamlet’s running loose! Yet I can’t have him charged with the murder; the general public adores him. The masses don’t judge us objectively, but by our public image. They would only see Hamlet’s punishment and not his crime. To handle this smoothly, it must appear as if his trip had been planned for some time. Desperate situations call for desperate measures. [Enter Rosencrantz.] What’s happened now?
Rosencrantz
We can’t get Hamlet to tell us where he put the body.
Claudius
Where is he?
Rosencrantz
Outside under guard, my lord. What would you like us to do?
Claudius
Bring him in.
Rosencrantz
Bring in Prince Hamlet.
Claudius
Now Hamlet, where's Polonius?
Hamlet
At supper.
Claudius
At supper! Where?
Hamlet
Not where he eats, but where he’s eaten. A certain assembly of worms are dining on him right now. Your worm is a mighty good eater. We fatten animals to feed ourselves, and likewise we fatten ourselves to feed maggots. A fat king and a skinny beggar are just two different dishes served up on the same table – the common end of all of us.
Claudius
Oh, my goodness!
Hamlet
A man may fish with a worm that has eaten a king and eat the fish that has fed on that worm.
Claudius
What do you mean by this?
Hamlet
Nothing, except to show how a king could take a trip through the intestines of a beggar.
Claudius
Where’s Polonius?
Hamlet
In heaven. Send for him there. If your messenger doesn’t find him, you can look for him yourself in Hell. But, if you don’t find him within a month, you’ll be able to smell him as you go up the stairs in the lobby.
Claudius
Go look for him there.
Hamlet
He’ll stay there until you come.
Claudius
Hamlet, this act you’ve committed, for your own safety – which is as important to me as the grief you have caused – I must send you away from here immediately. Prepare your things. The ship’s ready, the wind’s right, and your colleagues are waiting – everything is set for you to sail to England.
Hamlet
For England!
Claudius
Yes, Hamlet.
Hamlet
Good.
Claudius
It is good, if you knew my purpose.
Hamlet
I know an angel who sees your real purpose. But come – to England! [To Claudius] Farewell, dear mother.
Claudius
You mean, “Farewell, father," Hamlet.
Hamlet
No, I meant “my mother." Father and mother are man and wife. Man and wife are one. So you are my mother. Come, for England!
Claudius
Follow him closely. Urge him to get aboard ship as quickly as possible. Don’t let him delay. I want him out of here tonight. Go! Everything else that’s required to deal with this affair has been taken care of. For Heaven’s sake, hurry up. [Everyone exits except Claudius] King of England, if you value me at all, which your good sense should tell you to do, given my great power, and the fact that your wounds are still raw from when I defeated you on the battlefield; and since you have already agreed to pay homage to me, then you can’t ignore my demand, outlined in my letters, that you immediately put Hamlet to death. Do it. Hamlet is like a fever in my blood, and you must cure me. I can’t be happy until this is done.
