RALPH: Welcome back. So Hamlet, our audiences learned that you had a chance to kill Claudius but that you passed it up. 

HAMLET: Yeah. That was a stroke of bad luck. He was on his knees, praying. 

RALPH: And that's not a good time to kill someone? 

HAMLET: My dad's poor ghost is wandering around at night, and I kill Claudius and send him to heaven? I don't think so. I've got to wait to kill him when he's doing something bad. That'll come soon enough. 

RALPH: Well, meanwhile, it's Act 3, scene 4, and your mother wants to speak with you in her bedroom. You both have some things to say. Let's take a look. 

POLONIUS: He will come straight. Look you lay home to him. Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with and that your grace hath screened and stood between much heat and him. I'll silence me even here. Look you be round. 

GERTRUDE: I'll warrant you. Fear me not. Withdraw, I hear him coming.  

HAMLET: Now, Mother. What's the matter? 

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended. 

HAMLET: Mother, you have my father much offended. 

GERTRUDE: Come, come. You answer with an idle tongue. 

HAMLET: Go, go. You question with a wicked tongue. 

GERTRUDE: Why, how now, Hamlet? 

HAMLET: What's the matter now? 

GERTRUDE: Have you forgot me? 

HAMLET: By the rood, not so. You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife and—would it were not so—you are my mother. 

GERTRUDE: Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak. 

HAMLET: Come, come, and sit you down. You shall not budge. You go not till I set you up a glass where you may see the inmost part of you. 

GERTRUDE: What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me. Help! Help, ho! 

POLONIUS: What, ho? Help! 

HAMLET: How now, a rat? Dead for a ducat. Dead! 

POLONIUS: Oh! I am slain. 

GERTRUDE: Oh, me. What hast thou done? 

HAMLET: Nay, I know not. Is it the king? 

GERTRUDE: Oh, what a rash and bloody deed is this. 

HAMLET: A bloody deed? Almost as bad, good mother, as kill a king and marry with his brother. 

GERTRUDE: Kill a king? 

HAMLET: Ay, lady. 'Twas my words. Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell. I took thee for thy better. Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger. Leave wringing of your hands. 

SARAH: I think that's enough. Can we send this back to studio? 

RALPH: Thanks, Sarah. To find out more about Hamlet's meeting with his mother, Gertrude, we have them both in studio with us, now. Thanks so much for joining us at what must be a difficult time for you, your highness. 

GERTRUDE: It's all right. I'm just hoping we can get all this cleared up and back to normal again, although killing Polonius certainly didn't help. 

HAMLET: Leave wringing of your hands, and let me wring your heart. 

GERTRUDE: What have I done that thou darest wag thy tongue in noise so rude against me? 

HAMLET: Such an act that blurs the grace and blush of modesty, calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love and sets a blister there, makes marriage vows as false as dicers' oaths. 

GERTRUDE: What in heaven's name are you talking about? 

HAMLET: I have a couple of pictures, Ralph. Do you mind if I show these? And I think—you know, if I show these. 

RALPH: Sure. 

HAMLET: This was your husband. He looks like a god. Now, look at this. This is your husband, like a moldy piece of fruit. I shouldn't even put them close to each other. How could you go from this to this? It's not like you're—you're horny. You're too old for that. It's not like some teenager in the backseat of a car trying to get it on with the—

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, please, stop. I can't handle this. 

RALPH: Perhaps, we should take a break. 

GERTRUDE: Oh, god, I am so ashamed of myself. 

HAMLET: Well, why do you continue to live in the greasy, sweaty bed with him? 

GERTRUDE: Oh, Hamlet, please. You are killing me. Please, stop. 

HAMLET: Claudius is a murderer and a villain. He's not a 20th, a 10th, of what Dad was, which is—which is, like—0.5%. 

RALPH: 0.05%. 

HAMLET: He's like a bad actor that plays a king on TV, which is—

[THUNDER SOUNDS] 

HAMLET: Oh! Sweet angels of mercy! 

GERTRUDE: You see? He's mad. My son is mad. 

RALPH: Maybe we should take a break. 

HAMLET: You're here because I haven't done it yet, aren't you? 

GHOST: Look, kid, don't get distracted. This visit to your mom was supposed to give you focus. You've got to calm her down. 

HAMLET: How you doing, Mom? 

GERTRUDE: How are you, Hamlet? What are you looking at? 

HAMLET: At him. At him. Look how he's glaring at me. Don't look at me that way, or I'm going to lose it. 

GERTRUDE: Who are you talking to, Hamlet? 

HAMLET: Do you see nothing there? 

GERTRUDE: Nothing at all. Yet, all that is, I see. 

HAMLET: Nor did you nothing here? Ralph? 

RALPH: No, it's just us. 

HAMLET: Look. And there he goes, just how he looked when he was living. 

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, it's all in your head. There's nothing there. That's the madness. 

HAMLET: Madness? I'm the same as the two of you. We're not talking about my madness. We're talking about your crimes. 

GERTRUDE: Please, Hamlet. You are breaking my heart in two. 

HAMLET: Good, because it's busted. Throw away the bad part and live the purer with the other half. And do not go to his bed tonight. Act virtuous, even if you're not. I know, I killed Polonius. It sucks. But maybe it was just in the cards. I punished him. And now, he's punishing me. I should get rid of the body, shouldn't I? 

RALPH: Yes. Well, in fact, that's what you do next. 

HAMLET: Hmm. Well, I need to get to England, remember? 

GERTRUDE: Oh, yes. I forgot. We decided that. 

HAMLET: My two buddies from school, they have to make sure I get there. But they'll be getting theirs. 

RALPH: They'll be hoisted with their own petard, you say? 

HAMLET: Anyway. Well, we should get to bed. You should get to bed. 

RALPH: Thanks so much for joining us, your highness. 

GERTRUDE: Thanks for having me. 

RALPH: We'll be back for Act 4, right after this.