RALPH: It's the beginning of act 3, scene 3, and the King is talking to Rosencrantz—actually I shouldn't be telling you this. 

HAMLET: I know they're scheming something. But they can't stop me now. 

RALPH: Well, to keep our audience in the loop, let's go to Sarah for an update. 

SARAH: Thanks, Ralph. You're absolutely right. King Claudius has just met with Rosenkranz and Guildenstern, as well as Polonius. Gentlemen, what's the news? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, the King and we are very worried about Hamlet. Of course. I mean you've seen how he's behaving. 

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, he's—he was so mean to you. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Yes, I know, he was very mean to me. Once upon a time I thought he was a friend of mine. I thought he loved me. I mean I think—you think you know people but I guess—and was all that stuff he was saying to you about music? 

GUILDENSTERN: What was that about? 

ROSENCRANTZ: So cryptic all the time. 

GUILDENSTERN: What does that mean? I can play him like an instrument? What does that mean? I don't play them a recorder. 

SARAH: So gentlemen, what's the next step? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, all is not lost. Hamlet and I and Guildenstern are all going to take a nice trip to England together. 

SARAH: Does Hamlet even want to go to England? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Look, we've known him since he was this high, but, you know, he's out of control, and it's time we intervened. 

GUILDENSTERN: You know, and it's what the King wants. And like, the King is the King. And we live in his kingdom. So like what's good for the King is good for everybody. 

ROSENCRANTZ: And Hamlet. 

GUILDENSTERN: You know what, I don't care about Hamlet. He's impossible. I'm so sick of him. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh, you don't mean that. 

GUILDENSTERN: He's so moody. It's like, oh I'm rich and I'm cute. I'm always in a bad mood. 

SARAH: What about you? 

POLONIUS: I've reported that Hamlet was going to see his mother. She'll whip him into shape. 

SARAH: And that's where you yourself are headed? 

POLONIUS: Oh, yes, that's right. I'll be behind the curtain, so I can report the whole conversation back to the King. It's standard procedure. 

RALPH: And what about you know who? Any more on him? 

SARAH: Well, Ralph, that little play of Hamlet's has certainly pricked the conscience of the King. Alone for a moment, he's about to pray for forgiveness. Let's take a listen. 

CLAUDIUS: Oh, my offence is rank. It smells to heaven. It hath a primal elder's curse upon it. A brother's murder. Pray, can I not. Though inclination were as sharp as will, my stronger guilt defeats my strong intent, and like a man to double business bound, I stand and pause where I shall first begin And both neglect. 

SARAH: Torn between the desire to pray for forgiveness, and the crushing weight of the guilt itself. 

CLAUDIUS: What if this cursed hand were thicker than itself with brother's blood. Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens to wash it white as snow? 

SARAH: But that's what mercy is for, isn't it? To wash away sin? 

CLAUDIUS: But, O, what form of prayer may serve my turn? Forgive me my foul murder? That cannot be. Since I am still possessed of those effects for which I did the murder. My crown, mine own ambition, and my queen. May one be pardoned and retain the offense? 

SARAH: Can you be forgiven for your sins, and still keep everything you gained by committing them? It seems rather unlikely, doesn't it? Perhaps he should give up his crown, and come clean. 

CLAUDIUS: Oh wretched state. Oh bosom black as death. Oh limned soul that struggling to be free art more engaged. Help, angels. Make assay. Bow, stubborn knees. And heart with strings of steel, be soft as sinews of the newborn babe. All may be well. 

SARAH: Oh my, it looks like Claudius is about to turn over a new leaf, and pray for forgiveness. 

HAMLET: Now might I do it pat. He's praying. And now I'll do it. And so he goes to heaven, and so am I revenged? That would be scanned. A villain kills my father, and for that I, his sole son, do this same villain send to heaven? This is higher and salary, not revenge. He took my father, grossly, full of bread with all his crimes broad blown as flush as May. And how his audit stands, who knows save heaven. But in our circumstances a course of thought 'tis heavy with them. Am I then revenged to take him in the purging of his soul, when he is fit and seasoned for his passage? No. Up sword and know thou a more horrid hent. When his drunk asleep, or in his rage, or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed. At gaming, swearing, or about some act that has no relish of salvation in it, then trip him that his heels may kick at heaven. That his soul may be as damned and black as hell where to it goes. My mother stays. This physick but prolongs thy sickly days. 

SARAH: Amazing. Hamlet finally ready to act in his lust for revenge has just passed up his chance to kill Claudius, because he was afraid that if he killed him while he was praying, it would send Claudius's soul straight to heaven. 

CLAUDIUS: My words fly up, my thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go. 

SARAH: Absolutely stunning. I hope our audience caught that, Ralph. Claudius found himself completely incapable of asking for forgiveness. Had Hamlet killed Claudius just now, even on his knees in prayer, he would have sent Claudius's soul straight to the depths of hell. It's what we in the business like to call dramatic irony. Hamlet had everything for the taking right in front of him, but he had one thing wrong. We know Claudius is unrepentant, but Hamlet didn't. Will this be Hamlet's last chance for revenge? Act 3 scene 4, right after this.