RALPH: Welcome back to our discussion of Hamlet. We're headed into Act Three, and things are getting tense. Hamlet has a plan to make sure that Claudius is guilty, before he takes his revenge. But will have to wait a bit to see how that plays out—excuse the pun. In Scene One, we learned that the King has asked Hamlet to meet with him. For more on that, let's go to Sarah. 

SARAH: Yes, Ralph, the King has summoned Hamlet. But what Hamlet doesn't know is that it's all a pretense to get him to run into Ophelia, while they watch the encounter in secret. I wonder if Hamlet knows what he's headed for. 

RALPH: That's a great question, Sarah. So Hamlet, what's going through your mind as you head to this meeting with the King? 

HAMLET: To be, or not to be, that is the question. 

RALPH: To be or not to be? 

HAMLET: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? 

RALPH: End them? Do you mean, kill yourself? Or are you asking whether it's noble to use violence to end your troubles with Claudius? Is it noble to kill Claudius? Or are you asking something bigger here? Fighting fate, fighting against the way the world is? 

HAMLET: To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. 

RALPH: It would be nice if you didn't have to deal with any of this. If you were dead, even. 

HAMLET: To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rub. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. 

RALPH: I suppose that's true. Not knowing what happens after death keeps us living, and suffering, as long as we do. 

HAMLET: There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law's delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? 

RALPH: So why suffer at all, if killing ourselves would end it? 

HAMLET: Who would fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country, from whose bourn no traveler returns, puzzles the will, and makes us bear those ills we have than fly into others we know not of? 

RALPH: So suicide, ending the suffering, the pointless struggle, would only make sense if we were sure what happens after we die. But since we aren't sure, it seems better to put up with the suffering. 

HAMLET: Thus conscience does make cowards —and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought. And enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard, their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action. 

RALPH: So all these thoughts bring you back to action. What should you do next? But just as you're walking around thinking these very thoughts, you notice Ophelia is there, too. 

HAMLET: Praying for my sins, I hope. 

RALPH: Let's take a look. 

HAMLET: Soft you now, the fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remembered. 

OPHELIA: Good my lord, how does your honor for this many a day? 

HAMLET: I humbly thank you. Well. 

OPHELIA: My lord, I have remembrances of yours, that I have longed long to redeliver. I pray you, now receive them. 

HAMLET: No, not I. I never gave you aught. 

POLONIUS: More letters? I knew there were more! 

CLAUDIUS: Will you shut up? Get out of the way! 

OPHELIA: So sweet breath composed as made the things more rich. Their perfume lost, take these again. For to the noble mind, rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind. There, my lord. 

HAMLET: Are you honest? 

OPHELIA: My lord? 

HAMLET: Are you fair? 

OPHELIA: What means your lordship? 

POLONIUS: Yes, what is he talking about? 

CLAUDIUS: You might find out, if you'd keep quiet. 

HAMLET: Truly. For the power of beauty will sooner transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the force of honesty can translate beauty into his likeness. This was sometime a paradox, but now the time gives it proof. I did love you once. 

OPHELIA: Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so. 

HAMLET: You should not have believed me. For virtue cannot so inoculate our old stock, but that we shall relish of it. I loved you not. 

OPHELIA: I was the more deceived. 

HAMLET: Get thee to a nunnery. Why would hope be a breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest, but yet I could accuse myself of such things, that it were better my mother had not born me. I am very proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offenses at my beck than thoughts to put them in, imagination to give them shape, or time to act them in. 

CLAUDIUS: You see? Right there. Did you hear that? What are these thoughts and actions that he's thinking about? 

SARAH: I'm sorry your highness, but we should try to listen. 

HAMLET: Where's your father? 

OPHELIA: At home, my lord. 

HAMLET: Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the fool nowhere but in's own house. Farewell. 

OPHELIA: Oh, heavenly powers restore him! 

HAMLET: If thou dost marry, I'll give you this plague for thy dowry. Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a nunnery, go. Or, if thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool, for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go, and quickly too. Farewell. 

OPHELIA: Oh, heavenly powers restore him! 

HAMLET: I have heard your paintings well enough. God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another. You jig, you amble, and you lisp, and nickname God's creatures, and make your wantonness your ignorance. I'll no more on't. It hath made me mad. I say we shall have no more marriages. Those that are married already shall live, all but one. The rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery, go. 

CLAUDIUS: Well that didn't look like lovesickness to me. What he said was a little confused, but it wasn't madness. No, something's bothering him. And it's about to boil over. I think Hamlet needs a vacation. England's very nice this time of year. He could run a few diplomatic errands for us, get some fresh air, see the sights. Maybe go to a play. What do you think, Polonius? 

POLONIUS: Well, I still think he's suffering from unrequited love. Unrequited love is legendary in its extremity and severity. Do either of you know the Italian story, Romeo and Juliet? 

SARAH: Claudius, and you think something else is troubling the prince. If it's not love, what is it? 

CLAUDIUS: Well, it's difficult to say at this point. That's why I brought in his friends to help send him out. 

POLONIUS: Good work, Ophelia! I'll be right there. We'll go feed the ducks. Look, your highness, I have one more idea. Maybe after the players finish their performance, you can get him to go visit his mother. Maybe she can find out what's going on. I'll be behind a curtain so I can report everything. I've done this kind of espionage before. I've been told I have quite a knack for it. Then, if the queen can't get to the bottom of it, then you can send him to England. See a show. 

CLAUDIUS: Very well. But this deserves very close attention. Madness in great ones must not unwatched go. 

POLONIUS: I'm going to write that down. 

SARAH: Fascinating. 

RALPH: Welcome back. To try to get to the bottom of this relationship between Hamlet and Ophelia, we have the ravishing Ophelia right here with us in studio. Thanks for joining us, Ophelia. That's a beautiful dress you're wearing. 

OPHELIA: It's a pleasure to be here, thank you, sir. 

RALPH: Please, call me Ralph. Sorry. So you two—that was quite a lover's spat you had back there, if you don't mind my calling it that. 

HAMLET: It wasn't a lover's spat. 

OPHELIA: Oh would you stop! We were together, and I have the letters to prove that you have—had feelings for me. 

RALPH: So Hamlet, you were pretty hard on Ophelia just then. How are you feeling about her? 

HAMLET: Look, I meant everything I said. It's all true. And it doesn't matter. We cannot be together right now, maybe not ever, and I—I cannot explain it. 

OPHELIA: What's there to explain, exactly? Why you ditched me? Why your status went from in a relationship to it's complicated? What is there to explain? See, he just goes into emotional lock down. 

HAMLET: O, no, wait, wait. I can't explain why you refused to see me any more. Why you stopped—

OPHELIA: Why I have refused? You've been—

HAMLET: —picking up the phone when I call. 

OPHELIA: You've been completely unavailable for weeks! I mean, at least when you were at school you used to write—

RALPH: I'm sorry, could I—Ophelia, I have a question for you. Hamlet kept saying, "get thee to a nunnery." He seemed quite concerned about your reputation, and even about your chastity. What's that about? 

OPHELIA: You're asking me? I have no idea what that's about, actually. It's like he wasn't even talking to me. He was talking to this generalized idea of woman. What have I ever done to make you question my honor? I mean—the whole thing just makes me so mad. 

RALPH: Hamlet, perhaps you could help out here? Just before you leave Ophelia, you're talking about marriage, and you say, "we will have no more marriage. Those that are married already, all but one shall live. The rest shall keep as they are." 

HAMLET: Look. This is ridiculous, all right. Does anybody here see any good in marriage? 

RALPH: Oh, so wait a minute here. Are you talking about you and Ophelia, or is this somehow about your mother and Claudius? 

HAMLET: That's—that's a, a good example. 

OPHELIA: Oh my god. You see, so it's not about me at all. I mean, it's not my honor that you're worried about, it's not my beauty that will turn me into a bawd. Do you really think that marriage doesn't work out for anybody? Well, what's the point then, of love, of anything? I—You know, I just need some space. 

HAMLET: See you at the play. Nice one, Ralph. 

RALPH: So Hamlet. It's like you weren't even talking to Ophelia. Let's be honest, isn't this somehow really all about your mother? 

HAMLET: Oh, Ralph, can we talk about something else? Besides, the actors are going to be here soon and I need to talk to them before the play starts. 

RALPH: Of course.