SARAH: King Claudius's court is absolutely buzzing. First, Claudius summoned two of Hamlet's childhood friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. He's ordered them to find out what they can about Hamlet's increasingly strange behavior. Then Polonius arrived with two ambassadors, bringing news that Fortinbras will not, I repeat, will not invade Denmark. He wants to attack Poland, however. And Claudius thinks that's just fine. Right now, Polonius is rather long-windedly informing the king and queen that HamLet is mad with love for Ophelia. The queen seems to think this lovesick theory makes sense. But the king wants to find a way to test it. So Polonius suggests they spy on the couple. It seems the question on absolutely everybody's mind is, what's up with Hamlet? He's certainly got everyone in a fluster trying to figure that one out. Oh, my. And here he is now. Ralph, he's right here, reading a book. Excuse me, Prince, or may I call you Hamlet? Uh, so what are you reading? 

HAMLET: Words. Words. Words. 

SARAH: I think he's headed their way. Let's try to catch the action. 

POLONIUS: ...Carters. 

CLAUDIUS: We will try it. 

GERTRUDE: But look where, sadly, the poor wretch comes reading. 

POLONIUS: Away! I do beseech you both, away. I'll board impressively. Give me leave. How does my good lord Hamlet? 

HAMLET: I'm well, quite a mercy. 

POLONIUS: Do you know me, my lord? 

HAMLET: Excellent well. You are a fishmonger. 

POLONIUS: Not I, my lord. 

HAMLET: Then I would you were so honest a man. 

POLONIUS: Honest, my lord? 

HAMLET: Aye, sir. To be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand. 

POLONIUS: That's very true, my lord. 

HAMLET: For if the son breed maggots in a dead dog, being a good kissing carrion-- 

SARAH: Well, it doesn't look like this conversation is going to get very far. But the question remains, is Hamlet just playing with him, or is his condition more serious? 

ROSECRANTZ: Excuse me. 

SARAH: Oh, look at this, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. 

GUILDENSTERN: No, actually, I'm Guildenstern. This is Rosencrantz. 

ROSENCRANTZ: I'm Rosencrantz. 

SARAH: Right. Can I ask you gentlemen a few questions? 

GUILDENSTERN: You know, I'm really sorry, but, um-- hi, my name is Guildenstern. And we are on a royal mission. We've been sent here by the king. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Yes, do you know where we can find Prince Hamlet? 

SARAH: Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh, I see you understand the ways of the court. Very well, but only a few questions. 

SARAH: You two actually know Prince Hamlet from way back. The three of you grew up together? 

GUILDENSTERN: Yes—

ROSENCRANTZ: No, but—Well, we're older than Hamlet, so— 

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, but we still grew up together— 

ROSENCRANTZ: —it's more like he grew up around us— 

GUILDENSTERN: —we're not that much older than him— 

ROSENCRANTZ: I know we grew up—

GUILDENSTERN: Don't make it sound like we're—

SARAH: Anyhow, the two of you have been away from court for some time. And King Claudius has sent for you. What exactly does the king want? 

ROSENCRANTZ: The king would like us to check up on Hamlet. You know, see how he's doing. Apparently, (WHISPERING) Hamlet's been acting very strangely. He's kind of moody. And he looks up to us, on account of we're older. So I think G and I have the best shot at getting him out of his blue funk that he's in. 

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, you probably know that his father has just passed away. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Of course she knows her father just passed away. 

GUILDENSTERN: How do we know if she knows that? 

ROSENCRANTZ: She just said King Claudius. 

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, but we don't know who she is. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Everyone—but she said— 

GUILDENSTERN: British accent, she could be from anywhere— 

ROSENCRANTZ: —King Claudius. Please, use this, not this. 

SARAH: So Claudius and Gertrude thought it might be nice for you to spend some time with Hamlet, perhaps cheer him up. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Exactly, exactly, but also, you know, see if anything's wrong, sound him out, find out if there's anything specifically that he's upset about. 

SARAH: But it seems that everyone knows precisely what's wrong with him. His father is dead. His mother has remarried very quickly. And Hamlet himself is not king when perhaps he should be. It seems rather clear why he'd be upset. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Of course. 

GUILDENSTERN: Precisely. Yes, so we'll talk to him about that. 

SARAH: You're essentially spying on your friend, aren't you? 

GUILDENSTERN: No, we're not. We're not spying. It's not—

ROSENCRANTZ: You can't spy on a friend, because— 

GUILDENSTERN: If it's your friends, it's not spying. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Yeah. 

GUILDENSTERN: You spy on enemies, and we're not like enemies, or spying. We're frenemies, but like good friends. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Yes, we're good friends. 

GUILDENSTERN: We grew up with— 

ROSENCRANTZ: Timon of Athens! How many times have I told you not to hide behind curtains, your big lug? 

POLONIUS: You're still looking for Hamlet? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Yes, Your Grace. 

POLONIUS: He's right in there. 

GUILDENSTERN: Hi. Nice to see you. 

SARAH: Your lordship, just a few words? Ralph, do we have time? 

POLONIUS: Um, sure, sounds great. 

SARAH: So Polonius, you've just spoken with Hamlet. What's your opinion of his condition? 

POLONIUS: Oh, well, um, I think he's as crazy as a loon. Totally lost his marbles. Nutty as a fruitcake. 

SARAH: So— 

POLONIUS: Sword not all the way in the scabbard. 

SARAH: So Hamlet's mad with love for Ophelia. It's as simple as that? 

POLONIUS: Yes, I think so. I know the feeling, of course. I was once crazy for love myself in my year— 

SARAH: But about Hamlet, you say, though this be madness, yet there is method in't. 

POLONIUS: Oh, yes, and now, we know why. 

SARAH: But in order to thoroughly convince the king and queen, you want to arrange a chance encounter between Hamlet and Ophelia so that you and the king can spy on them? 

POLONIUS: Well, the king has a right to know, although I am very sure I know what's going on here. Take this from this, if this be otherwise. String me up like a common criminal, if I'm wrong. Throw me in jail and lock me away for a hundred— 

SARAH: Well, thank you so much for your time, Your Lordship, and best of luck with your plan. 

POLONIUS: Oh, OK. It's been a pleasure. 

SARAH: Meanwhile, Hamlet is getting reacquainted with his friends, but is already suspicious of their motives. For more on that, let's go back to the studio. Ralph? 

RALPH: Thanks, Sarah. So Hamlet, your old friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have sought you out. 

HAMLET: Because Claudius and my mother have sent them, you mean. 

RALPH: Well, that's true. So how do you feel about that? 

HAMLET: Well, I'd be surprised that they weren't spying on me. I've been acting pretty strange lately. 

RALPH: Yes, well, about that, what is your plan, exactly? Are you trying to provoke a response from Claudius, or from your mother? Is this part of some complicated plot to avenge your father's death? 

HAMLET: Keeping you guessing aren't I? That's good. The more confusing I can be, the better. 

RALPH: But if you ask me, you're more depressed than crazy. When you tell your friends how you're feeling, it's really quite striking what you say. Could you-- do you mind? Well, I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition. This goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. 

HAMLET: This most excellent canopy, the air, like you, this brave, o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears to me nothing more than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man, in noble and reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving, how express and admirable, in action, how like an angel, in apprehension, how like a god. The beauty of the world, the paragon of the animals, and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? 

RALPH: Yes, you see, right there, you tell them at first that you don't know why you've been so gloomy. But of course you would be, given what you've gone through. You should be outraged. But instead, you say the most eloquent things about the human condition. On the one hand, we're full of nobility, the paragon of animals, you say. But then you say, we're nothing but a quintessence of dust. Are you even thinking about revenge at this point? Or has all of this made you uncertain about life itself? 

HAMLET: Man delights not me. 

RALPH: Well, as Rosencrantz says, it's too bad man doesn't delight you, because a theater troupe is on its way to the castle. 

HAMLET: Theater troupe—who? 

RALPH: Well, the tragedians from the city. Old friends of yours, I gather. 

HAMLET: I love the theater. 

RALPH: Well, they show up just then, and you're happy to welcome them. Suddenly, you're back to your ordinary self. 

HAMLET: You've got to remember, Ralph, I am but mad, north northwest. When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw. 

RALPH: Well, OK. Well, Polonius shows up just then, and you encourage the actors, or the players, as they're called, to do a speech from an old performance. And when they get to the part about Hecuba, queen of ancient Troy, the actor is apparently so convincing, the tears in his eyes, his whole expression transformed-- 

HAMLET: These guys are really good. 

RALPH: Anyway, you decide that they should perform a play the next day, The Murder of Gonzago. And you ask if you can add some lines to the play. What's that about? 

HAMLET: It's just a little plan I'm cooking up. 

RALPH: Then everybody leaves, and you're suddenly left alone again. It's really wonderful what you say next. You seem to be so upset that this actor can so completely transform himself to play a role, while you, who have every reason to be full of emotion and action, can only-- well, let's hear how you say it. 

[FLAG FLAPPING] 

HAMLET: Oh, what a rogue, a peasant slave am I. Is it not monstrous that this player here, but in a fiction, in a dream of passion, can force his soul so to his own conceit that from her working, all his visage waned, tears in his eyes, distraction in his aspect, a broken voice, and his whole function suiting with forms to his conceit? And all for nothing. For Hecuba. What is Hecuba to him, or he to her, that he should weep for her? What would he do had he the motive and the cue for passion that I have? It would drown the stage with tears, cleave the general ear with horrid speech, make mad the guilty, appall the free, confound the ignorant in a maze—indeed, the very faculties of eyes and ears—yet I, a dull and muddy mettled rascal, peek, a John-a-dreams, unpregnant of my cause, and can say nothing, no, not for a king, upon whose property a most dear life, a damned defeat, was made. Am I a coward? Who calls me villain, breaks my pate across, plucks off my beard and blows it in my face, tweaks me by the nose, gives me the line the throat as deep as to the lungs? Who does me this? Swoons? I should take it, for cannot be but I am pigeon-livered and lack gall to make oppression bitter, or ere this, I should have fatted off the region kites with this slave's awful, bloody, body, villain. Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain, all vengeance! [CHUCKLING] Oh, what an ass am I. This is most brave, that I, the son of dear father murdered, prompted by revenge by heaven and hell, much like a whore, unpack my heart with words and follow cursing like a very drab scullion. Fie upon 't. Foh! About my brain. 

[FLAG FLAPPING] 

RALPH: Well, so Hamlet, let me get this straight. You're being hard on yourself because this actor was able to fill himself up with emotion, while you, who have the, uh, motive and the cue for passion, as you put it—real anger, sorrow, desires for vengeance—you can say nothing? 

HAMLET: That's right. 

RALPH: You add that, perhaps, you're just a coward. 

HAMLET: Well, what else would explain why Claudius is not dead yet? 

RALPH: But then you say, about my brain. You seem to be looking for some courage. 

HAMLET: Yeah, I am. But I have a plan. 

RALPH: Yes, and so that's why you talked to the players about adding some lines to the play? 

HAMLET: That's right. 

RALPH: So go ahead. Tell us what you say at the end of that scene. 

HAMLET: I have heard the guilty creatures sitting at a play have, by the very cunning of this scene, been struck so to the soul that presently, they have proclaimed their malefactions for murder, though it have no tongue, will speak with most miraculous organ. And have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle, I'll observe his looks, attend him to the quick. If he but blench, I know my course. 

RALPH: So you want the actors to put on a play that re-enacts the murder of your father. And depending on Claudius's reaction, you'll know if Claudius is really guilty? 

HAMLET: Glad to see you're catching up, Ralph. 

RALPH: But this implies that you're not sure that Claudius really is guilty. Are you starting to doubt what the ghost told you? 

HAMLET: The spirit that I've seen may be the devil. And the devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape. Yea, and perhaps, out of my weakness and my melancholy, as he is very potent for such spirits, abuses me to damn me. 

RALPH: So you think the ghost might be a devil preying on your depression to make you do things that might cost you your soul? 

HAMLET: I'll have grounds more relative than this. The play is the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king. 

RALPH: Will Hamlet catch the conscience of the king? We'll find out, right after this.