Claudius

Welcome, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I really wanted to see you while you’re here at Elsinore, but I also need your help. That’s why I’ve sent for you. You’ve heard of Hamlet’s “transformation” – let’s call it that. He doesn’t look or act like he used to. I can’t imagine what’s caused this change, other than his father’s death.

Since you know him so well, having grown up with him, I would prefer if you two would stay here a little longer and hang out with him. Find out if anything is bothering him that, if I knew about it, I could fix.

Gertrude

Gentlemen, he has often talked about you. I’m sure there’s not two others with whom he’s closer. If you would be so kind as to extend your stay awhile to help us, your efforts will receive the thanks befitting a king.

Rosencrantz

You are our king and queen; whatever you desire is our command.

Guildenstern

We will comply fully with your request, do everything within our power, and be completely at your disposal.

Claudius

Thanks, Rosencrantz and sweet Guildenstern.

Gertrude

Thanks, Guildenstern and sweet Rosencrantz. Please go at once to see our son, who is acting so unlike himself. Someone take these gentlemen to Prince Hamlet.

Guildenstern

May God make our presence here, and our efforts, helpful to him.

Gertrude

Amen.

Polonius

The ambassadors from Norway, my lord, have returned with joyful news.

Claudius

You have always been the bringer of joyful news, Polonius.

Polonius

Have I, my lord? I assure you that I hold my duty and I pledge my soul to my king, just as I do to my God. And I believe – unless this brain of mine is not as good as it used to be at getting to the bottom of things – that I’ve found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.

Claudius

Oh, tell me! I’m dying to hear.

Polonius

Please, first admit the ambassadors from Norway. My news will be like icing on the cake.

Claudius

Do the honor of showing them in. [To Gertrude] My dear queen, Polonius says he’s discovered the cause of your son’s mental disturbance.

Gertrude

I have no doubt that what’s bothering him is his father’s death and our hasty marriage.

Claudius

Well, we’ll question him and find out what he’s discovered.

[To Voltemand and Cornelius] Welcome, friends. So, Voltemand, what’s the news from my fellow king of Norway?

Voltemand

He returns your greetings and wishes of good health. As soon as we met with him, he sent out an order restraining his nephew’s army, which he thought was preparing to attack Poland. When he looked into the matter further, and found out that it was intended to be used against your highness, he was extremely upset that, due to his old age and feebleness, he had been taken advantage of. He had his nephew arrested, who, in short, was reprimanded by the king and swore never to attack your majesty.

This made the king so happy that he awarded his nephew an annual allowance of $200,000, and permission to use his army to invade Poland. He also sends this request for that army’s safe passage through Denmark on its way to Poland.

Claudius

This suits me just fine. When I have more time, I’ll look over the request and respond. In the meantime, I thank you for your good work. Go get some rest; tonight we’ll dine together. Welcome home.

Polonius

That business has turned out well. Now, my king and queen, to discuss in detail what a monarch should be, the nature of duty, why day is day, why night is night and why time is time – well, that would just be a waste of day, night, and time.  Therefore, since brevity is the essence of wisdom, while long speeches are just the pretension of it, I'll be brief. Your noble son is mad. I say he’s mad because, to define true madness, it’s nothing else other than to be mad. But never mind all this.

Gertrude

How about a little more substance, and less fancy language?

Polonius

Madam, I swear I use no fancy language. That he’s mad, it’s true, and it’s true that’s a pity, and it’s a pity that’s true – that’s a silly figure of speech. “Goodbye, figure of speech.” I promised that I would use no fancy language. Now, we can all agree that Hamlet’s mad. But we still need to find the cause of this effect – or rather, I should say the cause of this “defect” – because this defective effect must have a cause. Thus it remains: to find the cause of this madness in the heir to the throne.

Consider this. I have a daughter – at least she’s mine until I give her away in marriage – who, out of respect and obedience, has given me this letter.  Gather around and see what you think. [Reading] “To the celestial and my soul's idol, the most beautified Ophelia." That’s a poor word, a horrible word; “beautified” is a horrible word. But listen, there’s more, “... these in her excellent white bosom, these ...”

Gertrude

Hamlet wrote this to her?

Polonius

Madam, be patient, I’ll read his exact words.

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move,

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love."

Oh, my dear Ophelia, I am so bad at writing poetry. I can’t count the number of syllables in a line any better than than I can count how many times my heart aches for you. But, that I love you the most – that, you can believe. Goodbye.

Yours forever, my dear lady, as long as I’m alive,

Hamlet.”

Out of obedience, my daughter has shown me this letter, as well as similar ones, along with a record of when, how, and where she received them.

Claudius

How has she responded to these love letters?

Polonius

What do you think of me?

Claudius

As a faithful and honorable man.

Polonius

I would gladly prove that’s true. What would you think of me, if, when I noticed this hot romance starting up – and I must tell you that I realized something was going on before my daughter said anything – had I just acted as their messenger, or winked and not said a word, or just given this affair a casual glance? What would you think of me?

So, I went right to heart of the matter, and said to her, “Lord Hamlet is a prince, and above your social class. This relationship cannot continue.” Then I instructed her to quit seeing him, and not to accept any messages or gifts from him. She followed my advice, and – to make a long story short – Hamlet, because his affections were rejected, became depressed, lost his appetite, could not sleep, became weak and distracted, and in this way deteriorated into his current state of ranting and raving, which has saddened us all.

Claudius

[To Queen] Do you think this is the cause?

Gertrude

It may be, very likely.

Polonius

Has there ever been a time – and I would gladly know if there has been – when I’ve said, “This is so,” and it proved to be otherwise?

Claudius

Not that I know.

Polonius

[Indicating his head and his shoulder] You can cut off my head if what I have said turns out not to be true. I follow the facts to get to the truth, no matter where it may lead me, even to the center of the earth.

Claudius

How can we test this further?

Polonius

You know that sometimes Hamlet walks for hours here in the courtyard.

Gertrude

So he does, indeed.

Polonius

At one of those times, I’ll send my daughter, alone, to run into him. You and I will hide behind the curtain and eavesdrop on their conversation. If it turns out that Hamlet is not in love with her, and this is not the cause of his madness, then I’ll resign my post as your chief councilor and go be a farmer.

Claudius

We’ll try it.

Gertrude

But look, here comes the poor boy now, reading a book.

Polonius

Leave quickly, both of you; I’ll go up to him now. Let me talk to him alone.

Polonius

How are you doing, Lord Hamlet?

Hamlet

Well, thank you.

Polonius

Do you know me, my lord?

Hamlet

I know you very well. You are a fish seller.

Polonius

No I’m not, my lord.

Hamlet

Well, I wish you were as honest as a fish seller.

Polonius

Honest, my lord?

Hamlet

You know what they say – not one man out of a thousand is honest.

Polonius

That's very true, my lord.

Hamlet

Well, if the sun causes maggots in a dead dog, which is a good breeding ground for them – have you a daughter?

Polonius

I have, my lord.

Hamlet

Don’t let her go out into the sun. Conception is a blessing, but not the way your daughter will conceive. See to it.

Polonius

[Aside] How about that – he’s still going on about my daughter, and he didn’t recognize me; he said I was a fish seller. He’s really out of it. But in truth, when I was young, I too was lovesick, a lot like this. I’ll speak to him again. [To Hamlet] What do you read, my lord?

Hamlet

Words, words, words.

Polonius

I mean what is the matter, my lord.

Hamlet

What’s the matter between whom?

Polonius

I mean the subject matter of what you’re reading, my lord.

Hamlet

These are slanders I’m reading. This sarcastic writer says that old men have gray beards, that their faces are wrinkled, that thick sap runs from their eyes, that they have lost part of their mind, and that they have weak legs. I most certainly believe that all of this is true, but I think it’s wrong to put it in writing. You yourself, sir, would be as old as I am if, like a crab, you could go backwards.

Polonius

[Aside] Although he may be mad, there is some sense in what he says. [To Hamlet] Let’s go inside, my lord?

Hamlet

Into my grave?

Polonius

Indeed, that would be “inside.” [Aside] How insightful some of his replies are. Sometimes crazy people see things that smart, sane people completely miss. I will leave him and quickly arrange a meeting between him and my daughter. [To Hamlet] My Lord, I will most humbly take my leave of you.

Hamlet

Go ahead, sir. I'd be happy to be without you, and pretty much anything else – except my life, except my life, except my life.                   

Polonius

Have a good day, my lord.

Hamlet

These tedious old fools!

Polonius

If you’re looking for Lord Hamlet, there he is.

Rosencrantz

Thank you, my lord.

Guildenstern

My honored lord!

Rosencrantz

My most dear lord!

Hamlet

My good friends. How are you, Guildenstern? And you, Rosencrantz? How are you both?

Rosencrantz

We’re doing as well as the average person.

Guildenstern

We’re content not being too happy. You could say we’re not the button on the top of Fortune’s cap.

Hamlet

Nor the soles of her shoe?

Rosencrantz

No, not that either, my lord.

Hamlet

Then you must live just below her waist, or in the middle of her “favor”?

Guildenstern

Her “privates," that’s us.

Hamlet

In her “private” parts, that’s appropriate. After all, she is a whore. Well, what’s the latest news?

Rosencrantz

The same old news, my lord – how the world’s become honest.

Hamlet

Then hell must have frozen over. But you’re not giving me the real news. Let me question you more specifically. What have you done, that Fortune has sent you to this prison?

Guildenstern

Prison, my lord?

Hamlet

Denmark's a prison.

Rosencrantz

Then the whole world is one.

Hamlet

Yes, a very large one, in which there are many cells and dungeons, Denmark being one of the worst.

Rosencrantz

We think that’s not true, my lord.

Hamlet

Well, then Denmark isn’t a prison to you, because whether something is good or bad depends only on how we see it. To me, it’s a prison.

Rosencrantz

Well, then it’s your ambition that makes it a prison. Denmark is too small for your ambition.

Hamlet

Oh, God, I could be stuck inside a nutshell and still feel like the king of the world, if it weren’t for the bad dreams I have.

Guildenstern

Your dreams are just frustrated ambitions. Ambitious people live for the shadow of their dreams.

Hamlet

But a dream itself is just a shadow.

Rosencrantz

Exactly, and I think that ambition is so insignificant that it’s nothing more than the shadow of a shadow.

Hamlet

Then, according to you, it’s only men who lack ambition – such as beggars – who have real substance. And that ambitious men – such as kings and heroes – are just the beggars’ shadows. This is making my head spin. Let’s go in.

Both

We’ll accompany you.

Hamlet

I‘ll have no such thing. I’ll not place you on the same level with my other servants. To speak frankly, I'm being poorly served. As close friends, let’s speak frankly. Why have you come to Elsinore?

Rosencrantz

To visit you, my lord, no other reason.

Hamlet

I’m in such a poor state that even my thanks are worthless, but I’ll give them to you anyway. For sure, my “dear friends”, my thanks to you can’t be worth two cents. Weren’t you sent for? Is this your idea? Have you come to see me voluntarily? Come now, tell me the truth.

Guildenstern

What should we say, my lord?

Hamlet

Why, say anything, but give me a direct answer. You were sent for. I can see it in your face. You don’t have the skill to hide the fact that you’re lying. I know the king and queen sent for you.

Rosencrantz

Why were we sent for, my lord?

Hamlet

That, you must tell me. But let me appeal to you, based on our friendship, on the fact that we grew up together, on the obligation of our mutual respect – and any other reasons a better questioner could come up with – to be direct and honest with me. Were you sent for? Yes or no.

Rosencrantz

[Aside to Guildenstern] How should we answer?

Hamlet

[Aside] I’ve got my eye on these two. [To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern] If you care for me, don’t hold anything back.

Guildenstern

My lord, we were sent for.

Hamlet

I’ll tell you why you were sent for. This way, it won’t look as if you’ve violated your pledge of secrecy to the king and queen. Recently – and I don’t know why it is – I’ve become unhappy, stopped exercising, and, indeed, I’ve become so depressed that the whole world seems to me a wasteland. The beautiful sky above, with all its shiny stars, seems nothing more than noxious fumes.

Mankind is a wonderful masterpiece – with our power of reason, unlimited abilities, wonderful bodies, and admirable movements. Man behaves like angels and has the wisdom of the gods. Yet to me, man is nothing more than a pile of dust. I get no pleasure from other men, nor from women either – but judging by your smiles, you seem to think so.  

Rosencrantz

My Lord, I had no such thoughts.

Hamlet

Why did you laugh, then, when I said that I get no pleasure from other men?

Rosencrantz

I was just thinking, my lord, that if no one gives you any pleasure, then you won’t be very welcoming to the acting company we passed on our way here. They’re coming to offer to put on a play for you.

Hamlet

I’ll welcome the actor who plays the King. He’ll receive a royal tribute from me [See note]. The actor playing the Adventurous Knight will get to show off his sword and shield. The Lover will be appreciated for his sighs. We won’t disrupt the actors playing the passionate roles. The comic actor will make those laugh, who easily chuckle. And we won’t heckle the boy actor playing the female role – otherwise, he’ll get flustered and forget his lines. Which acting company is this?

Rosencrantz

The one you used to like so much, the best dramatic actors in the city.

Hamlet

Why are they touring around the countryside? They make more money, and build a better reputation, performing at their regular theater in the city.

Rosencrantz

I believe it’s because the theaters are closed due to the recent troubles in the city.

Hamlet

Do they have the same reputation as when I lived in the city? Are they still popular?

Rosencrantz

No, indeed, they are not.

Hamlet

Why’s that? Have they grown rusty?

Rosencrantz

They’re just as good as always. But there’s some new companies, consisting only of child actors, giving them some fierce competition, and who are all the rage. The verbal war between the companies has become so scathing that the most socially prominent gentlemen are afraid to be seen at a regular theater, fearing that they will find themselves publicly ridiculed in the next play written for the children’s companies.

Hamlet

You mean the actors are all young boys? Who do they work for? Are they able to support themselves? Will they continue acting once their voices have broken? If they continue to act once they become adults – which will be likely if they don’t have any better opportunities – then won’t they say that their playwrights have done them a disservice by mocking the adult companies?

Rosencrantz

There has been much verbal jousting between the two sides, and the public has enjoyed egging them on. For a while, no producer would buy a new play unless it contained personal jibes attacking one side or the other – either the playwrights for the boys’ companies, or the leading adult actors.

Hamlet

Is this possible?

Guildenstern

Yes, each side has spent much effort ridiculing the opposition.

Hamlet

Do the boys carry away the victory?

Rosencrantz

Yes, you could even say that they are carrying away Hercules, who himself is carrying the world on his shoulders.

Hamlet

I’m not surprised. Look, for example, at my uncle Claudius, the new king of Denmark. The same people who mocked him when my father was alive now pay up to $5,000 for a small painting of him. This is a strange aspect of human behavior –  it would make a good research subject for psychologists.

Guildenstern

The actors are here.

Hamlet

[To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern] Gentlemen, you are welcome here at Elsinore. Give me your hands. In order to give a proper welcome, one must abide by the proper social conventions and ceremonies. So, let me welcome you very conspicuously. Otherwise, the warm welcome I must display to the actors will make it seem that I like them more than you. You are welcome here – but know that my “uncle-father” and my “aunt-mother” are being fooled.

Guildenstern

How are they being fooled, my lord?

Hamlet

I’m not as crazy as they think.

Polonius

Good day, gentlemen.

Hamlet

[Aside to Rosencrantz and Gildenstern] Both of you, listen to me carefully. That big baby you see over there is still wearing diapers.

Rosencrantz

Maybe he’s happy to reach that stage again – as the proverb goes, “An old man becomes a child again.”

Hamlet

I predict he’s come to tell me about the actors. [Pretending to be in the middle of a conversation] You are right, my lord, it was a Monday morning indeed.

Polonius

My lord, I have news to tell you.

Hamlet

My lord, I have news to tell you. A long time ago...”

Polonius

Some actors have come, my lord.

Hamlet

Old news, old news.

Polonius

Upon my honor.

Hamlet

“Then came each actor on his ass.”

Polonius

These are the best actors for any style: tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical-historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, from one act plays to the longest dramas. They can perform the heavy tragedies of the Roman playwright Seneca, as well as the light comedies of Plautus. For either classical plays or modern ones, they are your men.

Hamlet

O Jephthah, Judge of Israel, what a treasure you have?

Polonius

What treasure did he have, my lord?

Hamlet

He had a beautiful daughter whom he loved very much.

Polonius

[Aside] Still going on about my daughter.

Hamlet

Am I not right, Jephthah?

Polonius

You’re right, my lord, if by calling me Jephthah, you mean that I have a daughter whom I love very much.

Hamlet

What you say does not follow.

Polonius

What does follow, my lord?

Hamlet

"It seemed like mere chance, but God knew.

It happened just as you would expect."

Polonius, you’ll have to listen to the rest of the ballad to understand what I'm getting at. I have to stop now because I must go welcome the actors.

Hamlet

Welcome, you accomplished actors. I’m glad to see that you’re all well. Welcome, good friends. [Joking with a young actor] My old friend, I see you’ve grown a beard since I saw you last. Have you come to “beard” (insult) me. [Addressing a boy actor who would play female roles] My young lady, you are nearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by the height of a high heel shoe. Let’s hope your voice hasn’t broken yet. [To all] You’re all welcome. We’ll be like French hunting falcons; we’ll attack any play that comes in sight. Come, perform a speech for me right now; give me a sample of what you can do. Come on, a really passionate speech.

Player

Which speech would you like to hear, my lord?

Hamlet

I once heard you practicing a speech, but I’m not sure if it was ever performed. If it was, it wasn’t performed more than once. It didn’t please the average person; it was like caviar to the masses. But in my opinion – and in the opinion of others who are more discriminating than I am –  it’s well written, subtle, and clever. It doesn’t use fancy words that would make the author seem pretentious; it uses ordinary language. I really liked one speech, the one when Aeneas tells Dido about the fall of Troy. I especially like the part about the slaughter of King Priam of Troy – if you remember that speech.

It goes, “The rugged Pyrrhus, like th' Hyrcanian beast...”  No, that’s not it, but it does start with Pyrrhus. “While lying inside the gigantic horse, the Greek leader, Pyrrhus, was dressed for the night attack – his armor as black as his purpose. Once the slaughter began, the spattering of his victims' blood made Pyrrhus appear to be wearing a cloak with a red heraldic pattern [emblems of knights]. The blood and guts which covered him from head to toe were baked into a crust from the heat of the burning buildings, making his armor look even thicker than it was. With his eyes shining like fiery gems, Pyrrhus sought out old King Priam.” Go ahead, continue from there.

Polonius

I swear to God, my Lord, that was well done, with very good intonation and sensitivity.

Player

“He soon finds Priam, striking in vain at the Greeks with his old sword which refuses to obey his commands. Old Priam is totally outmatched by the young Greek, Pyrrhus. In a rage, Pyrrhus strikes at Priam, missing completely, but the wind of his passing sword knocks down the unnerved old king. It seemed that the city itself felt the blow, for at that very moment a flaming roof came crashing down. Startled by the noise, Pyrrhus paused, with his sword ready to come down on Priam’s grey head. Resembling a painting of a murderer, he remained motionless, incapable of carrying out his intentions.

The moment resembled the passing of the eye of a hurricane – for a brief period, all is still, and as quiet as death. Then suddenly, thunder and lightning split the heavens.  In a similar fashion, Pyrrhus, roused with a vengeance, continued his assault. Striking Priam with his bloody sword, he showed no sign of remorse – as if he were Cyclops [mythological one-eyed blacksmith] hammering out a set of armor for Mars. Stop! Stop, you hateful goddess, Fortune! You other gods, take away her powers, break apart her Wheel of Fortune, and let the hub roll down from Mount Olympus all the way to Hell.”

Polonius

This speech is too long.

Hamlet

[To Polonius] Too long! If your beard’s too long, then you should go to to the barber shop. [To the actor] Please continue. If it’s not burlesque or a lewd story, this old geezer falls asleep. Please go on. Come to the part about Hecuba.

Player

"But who, oh, who, had seen the mobled queen ..."

Hamlet

"The mobled queen"!

Polonius

That's good. "Mobled queen" is good.

Player

“... running barefoot through the streets, with tears so heavy they threaten to douse the flames, and wearing a rag on her head, where recently there had been a crown. Around her lean body, worn out with years of childbearing, is only the blanket she had managed to grab when the alarm sounded. Anyone seeing Hecuba’s pitiable state would have cursed Fortune’s rule over our destiny. If only the gods could see her now, having to witness Pyrrhus, slicing her husband’s limbs from his body. Her screams of sorrow – unless nothing in our human world moves the Gods – would have caused tears to pour from their eyes, like milk from a cow’s udder, and would have overwhelmed them with grief.”

Polonius

Look, the actor has turned pale, and he has tears in his eyes. Please, stop.

Hamlet

That’s enough for now, you can finish it later. [To Polonius] My Lord, please see that these actors get settled in. Be sure they are treated well, because they are the historians of our age. It would be better to have a bad obituary when you’re dead, then to have them criticize you while you’re alive.

Polonius

I’ll see that they’re treated as they deserve, my lord.

Hamlet

Heaven forbid, man, better than that! If we all got what we deserved, we would all get whipped. Treat them with honor and dignity. Besides, when you treat someone better than they merit, it shows your generosity.

Polonius

Follow me, my lords.

Hamlet

Follow Polonius, friends. You’ll perform a play tomorrow.

[Aside to one of the actors] Old friend, can you perform The Murder of Gonzago?

Player

Yes, my lord.

Hamlet

That’s what we’ll have tomorrow night. Could you, if necessary, memorize a speech consisting of a dozen lines or so, that I would write and insert into the play?

Player

Yes, my lord.

Hamlet

Good. Follow Polonius, but don’t make fun of him. [To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern] My good friends, I'll leave you until tonight. You are welcome at Elsinore.

Rosencrantz

Very well, my lord.

Hamlet

God bless you.

Hamlet

Oh, what a lousy nobody I am! It’s unthinkable that this actor here, in a fictional play, a mere fantasy, could change his whole being to anything he wants – turning his face pale, bringing tears to his eyes, looking totally crazed, making his voice crack and his appearance exactly as he wishes – and all for nothing. For Hecuba, a character in a play.

What does Hecuba mean to him – or him to Hecuba, for that matter – that he should cry for her? Just imagine how he would be if he had the reasons to be upset that I have? He’d drown the stage with tears, sting our ears with his horrible speeches, drive guilty people mad, shock the innocent, confuse the simple-minded, and amaze everyone’s eyes and ears. Yet I, a stupid, confused, good-for-nothing, mope around like a dreamer, oblivious to what I should be doing. I don’t say a word, not even in the name of a king whose life and property were taken from him. Am I a coward?

Who calls me a coward, slaps me on the head, yanks out my beard and blows it in my face, tweaks my nose, calls me a downright liar? Who does this, huh? I would just take it because it must be that I’m a chicken-livered coward and don’t have the nerve to get offended. Otherwise, by now I would have fattened all the vultures in the area with this loser’s guts. Bloody, stinking criminal! Unfeeling, backstabbing, horny, heartless criminal!

My god, I’m such an idiot! This is really brave – here I am, the son of a father who was just murdered, called upon by heaven and hell to take revenge, and all I can do is rant and rave, or start cursing like a whore or dishwasher! Damn it all. Come on, I’ve got to think of something. I’ve heard that criminals sitting in the audience of a play have been so moved by the performance that they have confessed their crimes. A murder, even though it can’t talk, will always reveal itself - one way or another.

I’ll have these actors perform a play, in which the plot is similar to my father’s murder. I’ll watch closely to see how my uncle responds. If he even flinches, I’ll know what I have to do. Maybe the ghost I saw could actually be a devil, and devils are able to disguise themselves as someone we love. And because I’m really depressed right now – and devils are good at taking advantage of depressed people –  maybe he’s deceiving me in order to condemn me to Hell. I need more proof of Claudius’s guilt. I’ll use the play to find out if he is innocent or guilty.