Hamlet

Where are you taking me? Speak. I'll go no further.

Ghost

Listen to me.

Hamlet

I will.

Ghost

My time is almost up. Soon, I’ll have to return to those terrible fires.

Hamlet

Oh, poor ghost!

Ghost

Don’t pity me, but listen seriously to what I have to tell you.

Hamlet

Speak. I’m eager to hear what you have to say.

Ghost

You’ll be just as eager to take revenge when you’ve heard my story.

Hamlet

What?

Ghost

I am the ghost of your father, condemned for a certain period of time to roam the nights, while during the day I burn in flames until the sins that I committed during my lifetime have been purged from my soul. I am forbidden to tell you the secrets of the afterlife; otherwise I would tell you a story, the tiniest bit of which would freeze your young blood, make your eyes pop out of their sockets like stars out of their orbits, and cause your stylish hair to stand straight up like the quills on a porcupine. But the living are not allowed to hear a description of the afterlife. Listen to me! If you ever loved your dear father...

Hamlet

Oh, God!

Ghost

You must avenge this horrible and unnatural murder!

Hamlet

Murder?

Ghost

A horrible murder (as all murders are), but this one was horrible, strange, and unnatural.

Hamlet

Hurry up and tell me so that my act of revenge can be as quick as my thoughts.

Ghost

You’ll know what you’ll need to do. You would have to be as stupid as the bloated weeds that grow on the banks of the river of oblivion if my story did not stir you to act. Now listen, Hamlet. The public version of the story is that I was bit by a snake while I was taking a nap in my orchard. All of Denmark has been lied to and taken advantage of, by this false account of my death. But you should know, my noble son, that the snake that took your father’s life now wears his crown.

Hamlet

Oh, I knew it! My uncle, a murderer!

Ghost

Yes, that monster committed incest and adultery, using the magic of his evil wit and traitorous charm (he has such wicked skills in seducing women). That’s how he won over the sexual desires of my queen, who had always seemed so virtuous. Oh, Hamlet, what a terrible decline for Gertrude. To go from me, whose love was so dignified that it upheld every vow I made to her at our wedding, and then to take up with this miserable creature whose best features can’t even begin to compare to mine.

But Virtue can’t be tempted, even by lewdness disguised as an angel. So Lust, even though it has a heavenly lover, will satisfy itself in that divine bed and then move on to sleep with trash.

I think I sense the morning coming. I’ll be brief. While I was sleeping in my orchard (as I always do in the afternoon), your uncle sneaked up and poured into my ears an evil potion made from the hebona plant. This poison is so lethal that it instantly rushes into every part of the body and makes the blood thicken and curdle like milk to which vinegar has been added.

That’s exactly what it did to my blood. Instantly, scabs like the bark of a tree (or like the disgusting skin of someone with leprosy) appeared all over my smooth body. That’s how, while I was sleeping, my brother stole my life, my crown, and my queen. I died without having performed any religious sacraments to absolve myself of my sins. Instead, I was sent to my judgement with my earthly sins still weighing against me.

So horrible! Oh, horrible! Most horrible! If you’re human, you will not tolerate this. Don't let Denmark's royal bed be a place of corruption and incest. But, however you proceed in this, don’t hold anything against your mother, or take any actions against her. Leave her to be judged by God, and to suffer the stings of her own conscience. Goodbye, I must go! The fireflies show that morning is coming soon; their lights are growing pale. Goodbye. Remember me.

Hamlet

Oh, spirits of heaven. Oh, spirits of earth. Should I add hell? Damn. Stay strong, my heart. And you, my muscles, don’t grow weak now, but hold me up. Remember you? Yes, you poor ghost, I’ll remember as long as memory remains in this confused head of mine. Remember you? Yes, I’ll erase all trivial sweet memories, all quotes from books, all formulas, all childhood impressions and observations from the pages of my memory. Your command alone will be engraved in my mind, uncluttered with unimportant matters. Yes, by God, I’ll remember you.

Oh, you evil woman! Oh, Claudius, you villain, damned smiling villain! Where’s my notebook? [Hamlet writes.] I should write this down, “One can smile and smile, and yet still be a villain.” At least that’s true here in Denmark. So, uncle, there you are. Now to keep my word. “Goodbye, remember me”, you said. I swear I will.

Horatio

My Lord, my lord!

Marcellus

Lord Hamlet!

Horatio

Heaven help him!

Hamlet

So be it.

Horatio

Helloooo, my lord!

Hamlet

Helloooo, come here!

Marcellus

How are you, my lord?

Horatio

What news, my lord?

Hamlet

Oh, wonderful news!

Horatio

My lord, tell us.

Hamlet

No, you'll tell other people.

Horatio

Not I, my lord, I swear.

Marcellus

Nor I, my lord.

Hamlet

But will you still keep this a secret when you’re dying to tell what you know?

Both

Yes, I swear, my lord.

Hamlet

Every villain in this country is a complete scoundrel.

Horatio

It doesn’t take a ghost coming back from the grave to tell us that, my lord.

Hamlet

You’re absolutely right. Well, let’s not waste time; I think we should say goodbye and go about our business. Everyone has matters to attend to, right? As for me, I’m going to the church to pray.

Horatio

What you say sounds very strange, my lord.

Hamlet

I'm sorry I offend you – yes, very sorry.

Horatio

No offense taken, my lord.

Hamlet

Yes, by God, there is an offense, and it’s very offensive. As for this vision we’ve seen – let me tell you, it’s a real ghost. But you have to restrain your desire to know what transpired between us. As you are my friends, fellow students, and soldiers of Denmark, grant me one small request.

Horatio

What is it, my lord? We will.

Hamlet

Don’t tell anyone what you have seen tonight.

Both

My Lord, we won’t.

Hamlet

Swear to it.

Horatio

By my faith, I swear I won’t say anything.

Marcellus

Nor I, my lord, in faith.

Hamlet

Swear upon my sword.

Marcellus

We have already sworn, my lord.

Hamlet

Yes, you have sworn it; but now swear on my sword [because the handle resembles the cross of Christ].

Ghost

Swear.

Hamlet

[To the Ghost] Ha ha, my buddy, is that you? Are you there, old pal? [To the Others] Come on, you heard this fellow in the basement. Agree to swear.

Horatio

Propose the oath, my lord.

Hamlet

Here’s the oath: never tell anybody what you’ve seen. Swear on my sword.

Ghost

Swear.

Hamlet

[To the Ghost] So you can be here and there at the same time? [To the others] Then we'll just move to a different spot. Come here, gentlemen, and place your hands again upon my sword. Swear: “I’ll never tell anybody what I’ve heard.” Swear on my sword.

Ghost

Swear.

Hamlet

[To the Ghost] Well said, old mole. Can you tunnel through the ground that fast? What a good miner you are! [To his friends] Once again, move over here, good friends.

Horatio

Oh, man, this is really strange.

Hamlet

Right, and since it’s polite to accept strangers for who they are, I want you to accept this strange thing for what it is, and don’t ask any questions. But trust me, Horatio, there are more things in this universe than what they taught us in school. Once again, swear to God that, no matter how oddly I behave, you won’t stand there with your arms crossed, shaking your heads, and muttering something like, “We know,” or “If we could only talk.” Don’t let on that you know anything about me. Now, swear.

Ghost

Swear.

Hamlet

[To the Ghost] Now you can rest, you agitated spirit. [To the others] Gentlemen, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if I can’t repay you today, God willing, I’ll do it some day. Let’s go back inside the castle, but please keep quiet. Things are not right, and I'm the only one who can fix them! Okay, let’s go.