Romeo and Juliet

Mercutio

Nay, if our wits run the wild goose chase, I am done;
for thou hast more of the wild goose in one of thy wits than,
I am sure, I have in my whole five — Was I with you there for
the goose?

Romeo

Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast
not there for the goose.

Mercutio

I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.

Romeo

Nay, good goose, bite not.                                             

Mercutio

Thy wit is a very bitter-sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.

Romeo

And is it not well served into a sweet goose?

Mercutio

O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow
to an ell broad!

Romeo

I stretch it out for that word 'broad,’ which, added to the
goose, proves thee far and wide a broad goose.

Mercutio

Why, is not this better now than groaning for love? Now art
thou sociable, now art thou Romeo, now art thou what thou
art by art as well as by nature; for this drivelling love is like
a great natural that runs, lolling, up and down to hide his
bauble in a hole.

Benvolio

Stop there, stop there!

Mercutio

Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair.

Benvolio

Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large.

Mercutio

O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short. For I was
come to the whole depth of my tale and meant, indeed,
to occupy the argument no longer.
[Enter the nurse and another servant, Peter. Both are wearing white, loose-fitting upper garments]

Romeo

Here's goodly gear!
A sail, a sail!

Mercutio

Two, two; a shirt and a smock.                                      

Nurse

Peter!

Peter

Anon!

Nurse

My fan, Peter.
[The nurse, who is just a servant like Peter, is acting as if she's an upper class gentlewoman. Peter is not impressed, but passes her fan to her anyway]

Mercutio

Good Peter, to hide her face, for her fan's the fairer face.

Nurse

God ye good morrow, gentlemen.

Mercutio

God ye good e’en, fair gentlewoman.

Nurse

Is it good e’en?

Mercutio

'Tis no less, I tell you, for the bawdy hand of the dial is
now upon the prick of noon.

Nurse

Out upon you! What a man are you?                             

Romeo

One, gentlewoman, that God hath made, for himself to mar.

Nurse

By my troth, it is well said; 'for himself to mar,' quoth a?
Gentlemen, can any of you tell me where I may find the
young Romeo?

Romeo

I can tell you, but young Romeo will be older when
you have found him than he was when you sought him.
I am the youngest of that name, for fault of a worse.

Nurse

You say well.

Mercutio

Yea, is the worst well? Very well took, i' faith, wisely, wisely.

Nurse

If you be he, sir, I desire some confidence with you.    

Benvolio

She will indite him to some supper.

Mercutio

A bawd, a bawd, a bawd! Soho!

Romeo

What hast thou found?

Mercutio

No hare, sir, unless a hare, sir, in a Lenten pie, that is
something stale and hoar ere it be spent.
[Sings]
    An old hare hoar, and an old hare hoar,
    Is very good meat in Lent;
    But a hare that is hoar is too much for a score,
    When it hoars ere it be spent.
Romeo, will you come to your father's?  We'll to dinner thither.                       

Romeo

I will follow you.

Mercutio

Farewell, ancient lady; farewell.
[Singing]
     Lady, lady, lady.
[Exit Mercutio and Benvolio]

Nurse

I pray you, sir, what saucy merchant was this,
that was so full of his ropery?

Romeo

A gentleman, nurse, that loves to hear himself talk, and will
speak more in a minute than he will stand to in a month.

Nurse

An a speak any thing against me, I'll take him down — an a
were lustier than he is — and twenty such jacks; and if I
cannot, I'll find those that shall. Scurvy knave! I am none
of his flirt-gills; I am none of his skains-mates.
[To Peter]
And thou must stand by too, and suffer every
knave to use me at his pleasure?

Peter

I saw no man use you at his pleasure. If I had, my weapon
should quickly have been out, I warrant you. I dare draw as
soon as another man, if I see occasion in a good quarrel,
and the law on my side.

Nurse

Now, afore God, I am so vexed, that every part about
me quivers. Scurvy knave! [To Romeo] Pray you, sir,
a word. And as I told you, my young lady bade me
inquire you out. What she bade me say, I will keep to
myself. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead her in
a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind
of behavior, as they say. For the gentlewoman is young;
and therefore if you should deal double with her,
truly it were an ill thing to be offered to any
gentlewoman, and very weak dealing.

Romeo

Nurse, commend me to thy lady and mistress.  I protest
unto thee —

Nurse

Good heart, and, i' faith, I will tell her as much! Lord! Lord,
she will be a joyful woman!                                           

Romeo

What wilt thou tell her, nurse? Thou dost not mark me.

Nurse

I will tell her, sir, that you do protest, which, as I take it,
is a gentlemanlike offer.

Romeo

Bid her devise some means to come to shrift this afternoon,
And there she shall at Friar Laurence's cell be shrived
and married. Here is for thy pains.
[The nurse takes the money Romeo offers]

Nurse

No, truly sir, not a penny.

Romeo

Go to, I say you shall.

Nurse

This afternoon, sir? Well, she shall be there.

Romeo

And stay, good nurse, behind the abbey wall.               
Within this hour my man shall be with thee
And bring thee cords made like a tackled stair;
Which to the high top-gallant of my joy
Must be my convoy in the secret night.
Farewell, be trusty, and I'll quit thy pains.
Farewell; commend me to thy mistress.

Nurse

Now God in heaven bless thee! Hark you, sir.

Romeo

What sayest thou, my dear nurse?

Nurse

Is your man secret? Did you ne'er hear say,
'Two may keep counsel, putting one away'?                   

Romeo

Warrant thee, my man's as true as steel.

Nurse

Well, sir; my mistress is the sweetest lady. Lord, Lord,
when 'twas a little prating thing — O there is a nobleman
in town, one Paris, that would fain lay knife aboard;
but she, good soul, had as lief see a toad, a very toad,
as see him. I anger her sometimes and tell her that Paris
is the properer man; but, I'll warrant you, when I say so
she looks as pale as any clout in the versal world.
Doth not rosemary and Romeo begin both with a letter?

Romeo

Ay, nurse; what of that? Both with an ‘R’.                    

Nurse

Ah, mocker, that's the dog's name; ‘R’ is for the — No, I know
it begins with some other letter; and she hath the prettiest
sententious of it, of you and rosemary, that it would do you
good to hear it.

Romeo

Commend me to thy lady.

Nurse

Ay, a thousand times. Peter!
[Exit Romeo]

Peter

Anon!

Nurse

Before and apace.
[Exit]

Mercutio

This cannot anger him. 'Twould anger him
To raise a spirit in his mistress' circle
Of some strange nature, letting it there stand
Till she had laid it and conjured it down.
That were some spite. My invocation
Is fair and honest, and in his mistress' name
I conjure only but to raise up him.

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