Hamlet

Deliver the speech just as I showed you, in a normal voice. If you shout it out, like so many actors do, I would prefer the town crier spoke the lines. Don’t wave your hands about wildly, but move them gently. Even if you have a passionate role, behave moderately. This will give your performance smoothness. It offends me to no end to hear a loud-mouthed actor ruin a scene, yelling so loud it hurts the ears of the audience up front. This sort of acting appeals to the unsophisticated, who only like wild gestures and loud noises. I’d have an actor whipped for hamming it up like that. Please, don’t act this way on stage.

Actor

I assure you we won’t, my lord.

Hamlet

But don’t be too tame either; use your judgement. Both your movements and your voice must be consistent with the character you are playing. And most importantly, you must be realistic. If you overplay your role, you defeat the whole purpose of theater, which is to represent real life. When you overact, or drag out a line, the uncouth may laugh, but, the well-educated will moan. It’s more important to please the few, discriminating members of the audience than all the rest.

I’ve seen some actors on stage – and they were very highly praised – who strutted about and bellowed out their lines so that I thought they weren’t even portraying human beings, but some inferior creatures.

Actor

I hope we’ve pretty much overcome that problem, my lord.

Hamlet

Be sure you’ve cured it completely. And when doing comedy, tell the actors to just deliver their lines as written. Some of them start laughing it up, just to appeal to the dimwits in the audience, while, the whole time, ignoring the plot of the play. This is outrageous, and it shows how foolish and egotistical some actors are. Now, go get ready for the performance.

[To Polonius] Hello, my lord. Is the king coming to the play?

Polonius

And the queen also.

Hamlet

Ask the players to hurry up.

[To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern] Will you help the actors get ready?

Rosencrantz

We will, my lord.

Hamlet

Hello, Horatio!

Horatio

At your service, my lord.

Hamlet

Horatio, I think that you’re about as well-adjusted as anyone I’ve ever met.

Horatio

Oh, my lord ...

Hamlet

I’m not saying this to flatter you. After all, what could I be trying to gain? You barely have enough money to support yourself. People don’t flatter the poor. No, they lick the boots of a pompous jerk, kneeling down and fawning all over him, if there’s anything to be gained. You know what I’m saying? But, ever since I’ve been old enough to judge a man’s character, I’ve singled you out. Nothing gets to you; you take the ups with the downs. You’re blessed in that your good judgement keeps your emotions in check. Show me someone who doesn’t let his emotions get the better of him, and I’ll make him a dear friend, as I’ve done you. Okay, enough of this stuff.

Tonight, they’re performing a play for the king, which contains a scene similar to the description of my father’s death, which I described to you earlier. When that scene is performed, I want you to give your full attention to observing my uncle. If he doesn’t react, revealing his guilt, then we’ll know that it’s a devilish ghost I met, and that I’ve just been imagining this horrible murder. We’ll both keep a close eye on Claudius, and after the play we’ll compare our observations.

Horatio

Well, my lord, if he did commit the crime and escapes my detection, then you can hold me accountable.

Hamlet

Look. Everyone’s arriving for the play. I must greet them. Go, take your seat.

Claudius

How fares my kinsman, Hamlet?

Hamlet

I’m eating very well, truth be told. I eat the same thing as chameleons – the air. But, the air I eat is crammed full of promises. You couldn’t fatten up chickens on that.

Claudius

I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about, Hamlet. Your words don’t respond to my question.

Hamlet

They aren’t my words any longer; they’ve left my mouth. [To Polonius] My lord, didn’t you act in a play when you were a student at the university?

Polonius

Yes, my lord; and, it was said that I was a pretty good actor.

Hamlet

What role did you play?

Polonius

I played Julius Caesar. I was murdered by Brutus in the Capitol temple.

Hamlet

It was “brute” of him to kill so “capital” an actor as yourself. Are the actors ready to begin?

Rosencrantz

Yes, my lord. They’re waiting for you.

Gertrude

Come over here, my dear Hamlet. Sit next to me.

Hamlet

No, mother. Here’s metal [indicating Ophelia] which attracts me more.

Polonius

[Aside, to the King] Claudius, did you hear that?

Hamlet

[To Ophelia] Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia

No, my lord!

Hamlet

I mean, place my head upon your lap.

Ophelia

Yes, my lord.

Hamlet

That’s me, always the clown. We should all try and be merry. See how cheerful my mother looks, and my father just died hours ago.

Ophelia

No, it’s been several months, my lord.

Hamlet

Really, that long! Well, to hell with these dreary mourning clothes – I’ll get myself a nice fur outfit. Perhaps the memory of a great man can live on, six months after his death. But for that, he would’ve needed to build a beautiful church in his name. Otherwise, he’ll end up like the hobby-horse in the children’s song – all forgotten.

Ophelia

What does this dumb-show mean, my lord?

Hamlet

It represents the theme of the play, which is “miching mallico” – that means mischief.  

Ophelia

Is this fellow going to tell us the plot?

Hamlet

This fellow will definitely give away the plot. These actors can’t keep a secret.

Ophelia

Will he explain the show we just saw?

Hamlet

He’ll explain anything you want to show him. Don’t be embarrassed, spread your legs. He won’t be embarrassed to explain what he sees.

Ophelia

You are naughty! I’ll just watch the play.

Prologue

We humbly ask you to patiently watch our play, and overlook any shortcomings it may have.

Hamlet

Is that supposed to be an introduction to the play, or the inscription engraved inside a ring?

Ophelia

It’s very brief, my lord.

Hamlet

As a woman’s love.

Player King

Thirty times has the sun gone around this globe, and thirty times twelve has the moon gone through its celestial cycle, since we fell in love and were united in marriage by Hymen, the god of marriage.

Player Queen

May the sun and moon go through many more cycles before our love for each other is over. But, woe is me. You’ve been so sick lately, so unlike your normal cheerful self. I’m terribly worried. But, even though I’m frightened, don’t let that upset you. A woman’s love and her worry only exist in one of two intensities. Either they’re insignificant, or they’re extreme. I’ve proved that my love for you is extreme; therefore, so is my worry.

Player King

My body’s faculties are beginning to fail. I’ll be leaving you shortly. But, you will live on – honored, beloved, and perhaps with a husband as kind as ...

Player Queen

Stop it! Loving anyone other than you would be treason. If I remarry, let me be damned. The only women who take a second husband are those who killed the first.

Hamlet

How bitter, bitter!

Player Queen

Second marriages are for financial reasons, not love. Letting a second husband kiss me would cause you to die a second time.

Player King

I’m sure you believe what you’re saying now. But, we often fail to follow through with what we were once so determined to do. Our intentions are like fruit growing on a tree. At first, they adhere tightly. But, over time, they ripen and easily fall away.

It’s inevitable that we forget our promises to ourselves. We promise to do something in the heat of the moment; but, once we’ve calmed down, we lose our motivation. The strongest emotions wear themselves out, and they can flip-flop for the slightest reason. Nothing lasts forever. Nor is it surprising that our love changes with our circumstances. The question remains to be answered: does love determine our destiny, or does destiny determine our love?

A powerful man, who has fallen on hard times, will find that his supporters have deserted him; while a poor man, who has become wealthy, will find friends everywhere. That’s the way it’s always been – friends come with good fortune.  Let me go back to where I started: sometimes things don’t go as we would have wished, and our original desires remain unfulfilled. Though we come up with a well-intentioned plan, we can’t guarantee its execution. You might believe, right now, that you will never remarry; but that thought will die after I’m dead.

Player Queen

May the earth not provide me food, nor heaven provide me light; let the day deny me exercise, and the night deny me rest; may the ruiner of joy destroy what I most love; and let everlasting strife pursue me now, and in the afterlife; if, once I’m a widow, I ever again become a wife.

Hamlet

If she should break her vow now!

Player King

You’ve made a solemn vow. My dear, please leave me for a while. I’m tired and would like to while away the time with a nap.

Player Queen

Go to sleep, my dear, and let nothing ever come between us.

Hamlet

[To Gertrude] Madam, how do you like this play?

Gertrude

The lady protests too much, I think.

Hamlet

Oh, but she'll keep her word.

Claudius

Do you know the plot? Is it offensive?

Hamlet

Oh, no. The play’s not offensive. Now, there’s an “offense” in it – someone gets poisoned. But that’s not a real offense, just a fiction in the play.

Claudius

What’s the name of the play?

Hamlet

I call it “The Mousetrap.” Why? Just a figure of speech. The play’s about the murder, in Vienna, of Duke Gonzago. His wife’s name is Baptista. You’ll see all this soon enough. There’s some evil action in the play, but that won’t bother your majesty, nor the rest of us who have clear consciences.  Let the guilty squirm in their seats; we’ll be comfortable.

This is Lucianus, the nephew of the king.

Ophelia

You describe very well what you are watching, my lord, just like the chorus in an ancient Roman play.

Hamlet

If you would let me watch you flirting with your lover, I could describe very well what’s going on between you two.

Ophelia

You’re very sharp, my lord.

Hamlet

You could take off my sharp edge, but that would make you moan.

Ophelia

Still better and worse.

Hamlet

For better and worse – you mistake me for husbands. [To the Players] You there, playing the murderer, enough making ridiculous faces. Get on with the scene. We all know this play is about taking revenge for the murder.

Lucianus

My thoughts are evil, I’m all set, I’ve got the drugs, and the time is right since no one’s around to witness my crime. [Talking to the poison] You noxious mixture, made from poisonous weeds collected at midnight, I have given you the witch’s triple curse. Now, work your horrible magic and immediately snuff out this life.

Hamlet

He poisons the Duke Gonzago in his garden to get his estate. It’s a published story, written in very good Italian. You’ll soon see how the murderer also gets Gonzago’s wife.

Ophelia

The king is getting up!

Hamlet

What! Are you frightened by a gun firing blanks?

Gertrude

Are you okay, my lord?

Polonius

Stop the play.

Claudius

Turn on the lights. Everyone leave!

All

Lights, lights, lights!

Hamlet

[Singing lines from a popular ballad] While a deer struck by an arrow crawls away to die, the unharmed ones continue to play. Some live on, while others die – that’s just the way the world goes. [To Horatio] Can I stage a play, or what? If all else fails, all I would need is a fancy costumes with lots of feathers and a pair of satin shoes with roses on them, and I could have a full partnership in an acting company.

Horatio

Perhaps, just half a partnership.

Hamlet

No, certainly I deserve a whole one. [Making up a rhyme] You know, my good friend Damon, that this kingdom was stolen from a king resembling the god Jove, and the man who now reigns is a ... peacock.

Horatio

Ha, you should have made it rhyme.

Hamlet

Horatio, I’ll bet a thousand pounds the ghost was telling the truth. Did you see how Claudius reacted?

Horatio

I saw him quite well, my lord.

Hamlet

During the poisoning?

Horatio

I watched him very carefully.

Hamlet

Let’s have some music, bring the flutes. If the king did not like my show, well, he didn’t like my show, indeed. Come, let’s have some music.

Guildenstern

My lord, please grant me a word with you.

Hamlet

Sir, I’ll grant you a whole history.

Guildenstern

The king, my lord ...

Hamlet

Yes, my lord, what about him?

Guildenstern

He’s in his room, very out of it.

Hamlet

Drunk, my lord?

Guildenstern

No, my lord, angry.

Hamlet

If he suffers from choler, you’d do better to call his doctor. If I were to cure him, it’d likely plunge him into even worse choler.

Guildenstern

My good lord, organize your thoughts, and quit jumping from subject to subject.

Hamlet

I’ll restrain myself. Continue.

Guildenstern

Your mother, the queen, is in a foul mood, and she’s sent me to you.

Hamlet

If my mother has sent you to stay with me, you’re most welcome here.

Guildenstern

Please, my lord, this wisecracking isn’t worthy of your social status. If you’ll give me a straight answer, I’ll take it to your mother. If not, please excuse me, as this ends our business.

Hamlet

My Lord, I can’t.

Rosencrantz

Can’t what, my lord?

Hamlet

I can’t make you a “wholesome” answer; my mind is diseased. But you shall have my answer – or, as you say, my mother commands it. Enough of this wit, back to the matter at hand. You were saying, my mother...

Rosencrantz

She said your behavior has bewildered and astonished her.

Hamlet

Oh, what a wonderful son that can so astonish his mother. Was there anything else, other than her admiration of me?

Rosencrantz

She wants to speak to you in her chambers before you go to bed.

Hamlet

I shall obey her command, as if she were my mother by ten marriages, instead of just two. Do you have any other business with me?

Rosencrantz

My Lord, we were once close friends.

Hamlet

I swear with these hands that we were.

Rosencrantz

My Lord, why are you acting crazy. If you don’t discuss your problem with us, you’re sure to be locked up.

Hamlet

My Lords, I lack advancement.

Rosencrantz

How can that be? The king himself named you heir to the throne.

Hamlet

Yes. But, as the proverb goes, “While the grass grows, the horse starves.”

[To the actor] Oh a flute, let me see it. [To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern] Let me speak frankly with you. Why are you maneuvering the conversation, as if you’re trying to take advantage of me, like a hunter moving upwind of his prey to drive it into a net?

Guildenstern

If my questions are too direct, it’s only because my devotion to you has caused me to forget my good manners.

Hamlet

I don’t think so. Here, play this flute.

Guildenstern

My lord, I can’t.

Hamlet

Please.

Guildenstern

Believe me, I can’t.

Hamlet

I insist.

Guildenstern

I don’t know the first think about playing it, my lord.

Hamlet

It’s as easy as lying. Just cover these openings with your fingers and thumb and blow into it; you’ll produce excellent music. Here are the notes.

Guildenstern

I can’t play a tune. I don’t have the skill.

Hamlet

Really! You can’t play this instrument, but you would play me. You don’t know its notes, but you want to note everything about me. You can’t get a sound out of it, but you would sound me out from top to bottom. Am I easier to play than a flute? You may fret me, but you won’t play me like a guitar. [To Polonius, as he enters] God bless you, my lord.

Polonius

My lord, the queen wishes to speak with you, right now.

Hamlet

Do you see that cloud over there, that looks like a camel?

Polonius

Wow, it’s indeed like a camel.

Hamlet

I think it’s like a weasel.

Polonius

It does have the back of a weasel.

Hamlet

Or like a whale?

Polonius

It’s very much like a whale.

Hamlet

I’ll go see my mother soon. [Aside] They go along with my foolishness, though I take it to the limit. [Aloud] I go at once.

Polonius

I’ll tell her.

Hamlet

"At once" is easy to say. Leave me, my friends.

It’s the bewitching hour, when the dead rise up from graveyards, and evil plagues the world. I feel as if I could drink hot blood and commit such wickedness as would frighten the daylights out of everyone. I must calm down – now, to go see my mother. I mustn’t treat her as the Emperor Nero did his.  I’ll be harsh, but not violent. I’ll pierce her with my words, but I’ll not use a weapon. My tongue will be savage, but my intentions are kind.  No matter how much I shame her, my affections will keep me from hurting her.