RALPH: We're delighted to have with us in studio Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, son of the late King Hamlet, his mother, Gertrude, Queen of Denmark...

GERTRUDE: Delighted to be here, Ralph. 

RALPH: And last but not least, Claudius — King Hamlet's brother and newly-crowned King of Denmark, which I should point out makes Prince Hamlet not only your nephew but also your stepson. 

CLAUDIUS: Yes, that's right. 

HAMLET: Little more than kin and less than kind. 

RALPH: I'm sorry? 

CLAUDIUS: What did he say? 

GERTRUDE: It was nothing. 

RALPH: So your highness, in this scene, you're addressing the court, reviewing recent events here in Elsinore. I like what you say just at the beginning of your remarks. Would you mind? 

CLAUDIUS: Though yet of Hamlet, our dear brother's death, the memory be green, and that it us befitted to bear our hearts in grief and our whole kingdom to be contracted in one brow of woe, yet so far hath discretion fought with nature that we with wisest sorrow think on him together with remembrance of ourselves. Therefore, our sometime sister, now our queen, the imperial jointress to this warlike state, have we as twere with a defeated joy, with one auspicious and one dropping eye, with mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage, in equal scale weighing delight and dole taken to wife. 

RALPH: So, cause for sorrow and cause for joy. You've lost a brother, but you've gained a wife and a kingdom. 

CLAUDIUS: Yes. Exactly. And none too soon really. Don't forget, we're on the brink of war with Norway. We need a solid hand at the helm. 

RALPH: Yes. Yes. But before we get to that, if I might, if King Hamlet had a son, Prince Hamlet — here he is — why didn't he become king? 

CLAUDIUS: Well, that's actually quite complicated. I mean first of all, in Denmark, the throne doesn't pass to the son automatically. There's a lot to consider. Secondly, Hamlet wasn't here when his father died, and it was truly imperative that someone take up the reins immediately. I think I mentioned the Norway situation. But I certainly hope you're not implying anything about my legitimate right to be on the throne. 

RALPH: No, no. Of course, your highness. No. So your marriage to Queen Gertrude was motivated primarily about a concern for Denmark's defenses. 

CLAUDIUS: Well, not only for that. But, yes, it was imperative this happened very quickly. And the royal council was unanimous that the marriage was the right thing to do. 

RALPH: So everything seems to be going pretty well considering. There's been a tragic death, but the court is stable, and Denmark is safe. 

HAMLET: I don't think you understand quite how well things are going, Ralph. You see my mom and my [CLEARS THROAT] dad were able to save the leftovers from the funeral service to feed people at the wedding reception, so we saved a few bucks — 

GERTRUDE: Hamlet. 

CLAUDIUS: The only sore point now is this young man's attitude. Look at him. Constantly dressed in black, always moping around. 

RALPH: Well, it has just been a month or so since his father's death. 

CLAUDIUS: Actually, it's been more like two. Well, at least well over one month. And for the affairs of state, it was absolutely imperative that — 

GERTRUDE: Claudius is right, dear. I miss your father as much as you do, but it is time to move on. You need to accept that death is a common thing. 

HAMLET: Yeah. Really common. 

GERTRUDE: Then why do you seem to be clinging to it? 

HAMLET: Seem, Mom? 

GERTRUDE: These clothes, your sad looks, your crying. 

HAMLET: You think I'm pretending? I know not seems, Mom. I have that within which passeth show, these but the trappings and the suits of woe. 

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet, everybody has a father, and all fathers die at some point. But this behavior is just stubbornness. It's weak. It's unmanly. 

GERTRUDE: Honey. 

CLAUDIUS: Hamlet should think of me as his father now. And Son, your mother and I have decided that you should stay here for a while instead of going back to school. 

RALPH: You're in school? 

HAMLET: Yeah. University. 

RALPH: How is that going? 

CLAUDIUS: It's darned expensive. I can tell you that. 

HAMLET: Whatever. 

CLAUDIUS: I want to be perfectly clear about one thing, Ralph. I want everyone to know that Hamlet is next in line to the throne. He really is like a son to me. 

HAMLET: [CLEARS THROAT] Bull. [COUGHS] 

GERTRUDE: Hamlet. 

HAMLET: Some water. Can I get some —

GERTRUDE: You are the Crown Prince of Denmark now. Act like it. And as for school, Claudius and I would like you to think about staying home for a while. 

HAMLET: Whatever you want, Mom. 

CLAUDIUS: Now, that's a good kid. And now that that's settled, we should celebrate. Let's go have a drink. 

GERTRUDE: Oh. 

RALPH: Right now? 

CLAUDIUS: Sure, why not? We're just going to have a little cocktail. 

GERTRUDE: Or two. 

CLAUDIUS: Come on. We should all go. 

RALPH: I would just like to have a few words with Hamlet first. 

CLAUDIUS: I don't see how that could hurt. 

RALPH: Well — we'll catch up with you. Thank you, both. Exeunt King and Queen. So, Hamlet, everyone's left the court, and you're left all alone. What are you thinking about? I know this must be tough. Dad's dead. Got a new stepdad. Got a lot of things to work through. You know what? You don't need to talk about this here. Let's just take a look. 

HAMLET: Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew. Or that the everlasting had not fixed his canon against self-slaughter. O God, God, how weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world. Fie on't, ah fie. Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed. Things rank and gross in nature, possess it merely. That it should come to this. But two months dead. Nay not so much, not two. So excellent a King that was to this Hyperion to a satyr. So loving to my mother that he might not be beteem the winds of heaven, visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth, must I remember? Why she would hang on him as if increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on. And yet within a month, let me not think on't. Frailty, thy name is woman. A little month, or ere those shoes were old with which she followed my poor father's body. Like Niobe, all tears. Why she, O God, a beast to one's discourse of reason would have mourned longer. Married with my uncle, my father's brother. But no more like my father than I to Hercules-- within a month. Or ere the salt of most unrighteous tears had left the flushing of her galled eyes, she married. O most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets. It is not, nor cannot, come to good. But break my heart, I must hold my tongue. 

RALPH: Wow, you're pretty miserable. 

HAMLET: Wouldn't you be? 

RALPH: Well, it seems to boil down to just a few things. First, you don't have a very high opinion of your uncle. 

HAMLET: You saw him. 

RALPH: He seemed charming enough, and he's well liked. 

HAMLET: By my mother. 

RALPH: Well, no. By everyone. He's a popular king. Denmark is safe. But your mother is certainly problem number 2. You seem pretty upset with her for marrying him. 

HAMLET: Well, she married so quickly. It was just so fast. What am— what am I supposed to think? 

RALPH: You're probably thinking, shouldn't it be me on the throne? 

HAMLET: Well, that's a dangerous thing to say, even to yourself. 

RALPH: Well, finally, there's your mental health. I mean, you seem depressed. You start your soliloquy talking about self-slaughter. Are you really thinking about suicide? 

HAMLET: Suicide is a mortal sin, unfortunately. I just want to disappear. 

RALPH: Melt, thaw, and resolve into a dew. 

HAMLET: Exactly. 

[RINGTONE] 

HAMLET: Quick here. 

RALPH: Is there some news? 

HAMLET: It's my friend, Horatio. But this doesn't make any sense. 

RALPH: Well, what does he say? 

HAMLET: He says that he's seen my father. 

RALPH: Yeah. Well. Actually, that's true, kind of. We learned about that in the first scene. He's seen a ghost that looks a lot like your father. 

HAMLET: Seen my father? Well, how did he look? Was he frowning? 

RALPH: Yes. But more sad than mad. Why do you ask? 

HAMLET: All is not well. 

RALPH: Yes. Or as Marcellus puts it, something is rotten in the State of Denmark. What do you think it means? 

HAMLET: Foul play. I suspect foul play. 

RALPH: Really? 

HAMLET: Foul deeds will rise. Though all the earth o'erwhelm them, to men's eyes. I'll join them tonight, and I'll speak to it, though hell itself shall gape and bid me hold my peace. Hold my peace — ttyl. Send. 

RALPH: We'll find out what happens next right after this.