Hippolyta

These lovers are talking about strange things. 

Theseus

Too strange to be real. I could never believe the tall stories or fairy tales they’re telling. Lovers and crazy people hallucinate fantasies that can never be understood by reasonable people. The crazy person, the lover, and the poet are all alike — they all have vivid imaginations. The madman imagines more devils than there are in hell. The lover, just as crazy, thinks an ugly woman is beautiful. And the poet looks up and down from heaven to earth and back again, his eyes rolling in his head. His imagination creates unreal things, and his pen pulls them out of thin air and makes them real. A strong imagination is so powerful that, once it feels joy, it makes up a reason for that joy. Or the imagination of a fearful person at nighttime easily imagines that a harmless bush is really a bear.

Hippolyta

But we’ve heard the whole story of their night in the woods, and their minds all imagined the exact same things. That must mean that they experienced more than just a fantasy. Their stories, however weird and astonishing, are all too similar to be made up.  

Theseus

Here come the four joyful lovers. Friends, I hope your hearts are filled with joy and love for all the days to come. 

Lysander

We hope even more joy awaits you in your royal walks, at your table, and in your bed. 

Theseus

What entertainment shall we have to pass the three hours we have between dinner and bedtime? Where is the person who’s usually in charge of our entertainment? What celebrations do we have ready? Perhaps we could watch a play, to pass the time more speedily? Call Philostrate.

Philostrate

I’m here, mighty Theseus.

Theseus

Tell us, what entertainment have you arranged for the evening? What play or music? How will we pass slow-moving time if we don’t have anything fun to do?

Philostrate

“The battle with the Centaurs, to be sung by an Athenian eunuch, who will be accompanied by a harp.” 

Theseus

No, I don’t want that. I’ve already told my beloved Hippolyta that story in praise of my cousin Hercules. 

Philostrate

“The riot of the tipsy drunkards, who angrily tear Orpheus, the Thracian singer, to shreds.”

Theseus

That’s an old one, and it was performed for me the last time I came home from conquering Thebes. 

Philostrate

“The three muses mourn the death of scholarship, which recently passed away in poverty.”

Theseus

That’s a satire, too incisive and critical to be appropriate for a wedding reception. 

Philostrate

“A long short scene of young Pyramus and his love Thisbe: very tragic joy.”

Theseus

“Happy” and “tragic”? “Long” and “short”? That’s as strange as “hot ice” or “black snow.” How are we supposed to make sense of these opposing descriptions?

Philostrate

My lord, the play is only about ten words long, which is the shortest play I’ve ever heard of. But even at ten words, my lord, it is too long. In the whole play, there’s not one well written word, not one well cast actor. And it’s “tragic,” my lord, because Pyramus kills himself in the play. When I saw that rehearsed, I admit I did tear up. But they were tears of laughter!

Theseus

Who are the actors performing it?

Philostrate

They’re rough laborers from Athens. They’ve never put their minds to work until now, and they’ve exhausted their brains putting together this play for your wedding. 

Theseus

Then let’s watch it.

Philostrate

No, my lord. It’s not fit for you. I’ve seen them rehearse it, and the play is worthless — unless you’d be entertained by their painful attempt to serve you. 

Theseus

I want that to watch that play, for there’s nothing wrong with a play that’s performed with a simple sense of duty. Go get the actors, and have a seat, ladies. 

Hippolyta

I don’t want to watch poor workers struggling against their limitations and failing to dutifully serve you. 

Theseus

Sweetheart, this play won’t be like that. 

Hippolyta

But Philostrate just said that they are incapable of acting. 

Theseus

That just means that it will be even kinder of us to thank them for nothing. It will be entertaining to see the mistakes they make while they’re trying to perform out of duty for me. We noble people should appreciate their efforts, not judge their quality. Anywhere I’ve gone, clerks have tried to greet me with prepared welcomes, but in the moment, they shook, went pale, stuttered, lost their voices, and then trailed off, failing to pay me the proper respect. Trust me, sweetheart, I didn’t take it personally, and saw that though they were silent, they really were welcoming me. I felt just as much respect from their modesty and nervous dutifulness as I feel when others speak loudly, boldly, and eloquently. In my opinion, love and simple, tongue-tied speeches say the most, in the least amount of words, in my opinion. 

Philostrate

If it pleases you sir, the Prologue will be performed. 

Theseus

Let him take the stage. 

Quince-as-Prologue

If we offend you, we mean well. You should think that we don’t mean to offend you — we have good intentions. Our only goal is to show our simple skill. Think, then, that we’re here out of spite. We haven’t come here meaning to make you happy; that is our true intent. It’s all for your pleasure that we are not here. We are ready to make you sad, and our show will show you everything you’re likely to know.  

Theseus

This guy does not use proper punctuation. 

Lysander

He performed the prologue like an untrained horse would — he doesn’t know when to stop. There’s a lesson here, my lord: it’s not enough to speak; one must speak true. 

Hippolyta

You’re right, he has performed this prologue like a child playing a flute. He’s making sounds, but they are out of control. 

Theseus

His performance was like a tangled chain. It was all connected, but completely disordered. 

Quince-as-Prologue

Ladies and gentlemen, this show contains wonders, but soon enough you’ll know the truth. If you’re curious, this man is Pyramus, and this beautiful woman is most definitely Thisbe. This man, with lime and plaster represents the wall, that hateful wall that separated the lovers. And through a hole in this wall, poor Pyramus and Thisbe must whisper to each other, so don’t be surprised by that. This man, who carries a lantern, dog, and a thorny bush, represents moonshine. If you’d like to know, the lovers meet to woo each other by moonlight at Ninus’ tomb. When Thisbe arrives, she is scared away by a hairy beast named “Lion,” and as she flees, she drops her cloak, which the lion picks up with his mouth, and, in doing so, stains it with blood. Soon enough, the tall and sweet youth named Pyramus arrives and finds Thisbe’s cloak stained with blood. So he picks up his blade and stabs himself in the chest. Thisbe, who had been waiting in a mulberry patch, finds him dead and kills herself with Pyramus’ dagger. To know the rest, listen to Lion, Moonshine, Wall, and the two lovers perform for you, while they’re here. 

Theseus

I wonder if the Lion is going to talk. 

Demetrius

Sir, if all these asses are speaking, it’s no wonder that a lion would. 

Snout-as-Wall

In this same play, it will happen that I, Snout, represent a wall, and in this wall please imagine a cranny, hole, or chink through which the lovers Pyramus and Thisbe whisper secretly to each other. This loam, this plaster, and this stone show that I am that wall. This is the truth. And this is the hole, the right side and the left side, through which the scared lovers will whisper. 

Theseus

Who could ask for a better speech from stone and plaster? 

Demetrius

It’s the smartest wall I’ve ever heard speak, my lord. 

Theseus

Pyramus is approaching the wall. Quiet. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

O dark night, O night with such black colors, O night that always is when day is not, O night, O night, alack, alack, alack, I am afraid my Thisbe has forgotten her promise. And you, O wall, O sweet, lovely wall that stands between her father’s house and my father’s house, you, wall, O wall, O sweet, lovely wall, show me your hole, so that I can peer through it with my eye. 

Thank you kindly, wall. God protect you for helping me. But what do I see? I don’t see Thisbe. Oh evil wall, through whom I see no happiness, I curse your stones for misleading me in this way. 

Theseus

I think since the wall can speak, it should curse back at Pyramus. 

Bottom

No sir, he truly should not. “Misleading me” is Thisbe’s cue to come onstage. She is supposed to enter now, and I am supposed to see her through the wall. You’ll see, it will happen in just a moment, just as I said. 

Here she comes. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

Oh wall, you have so often heard me moan at you for separating me and beautiful Pyramus. My lips have often kissed your stones, which are stuck together with mortar. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

I see a voice. I’ll go to the hole in the wall to see if I can hear my Thisbe’s face. Thisbe?

Flute-as-Thisbe

My love — you are my love, I think.

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Think whatever you want — it won’t change the fact that I am your love, as faithful as Lemander. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

And I will be as faithful to you as Helen, until the day I’m fated to die. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Not even Shafalus was as faithful to Procrus. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

I will be as faithful to you as Shafalus was to Procrus. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Kiss me through the hole in this hateful wall. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

I can’t reach your lips — I’m just kissing the hole in the wall. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Will you meet me right away at Ninny’s tomb?

Flute-as-Thisbe

Come hell or high water, I’ll go there right away. 

Snout-as-Wall

And so I have performed my part. And since I’m done, I’ll go away now. 

Theseus

Well now that they’ve gone away, the wall that separated the neighbors has fallen. 

Demetrius

My lord, that’s what happens when walls eavesdrop. 

Hippolyta

This is the most ridiculous play I’ve ever seen. 

Theseus

Even the best plays are just pale versions of reality. And the worst plays just require a little imagination to make them better. 

Hippolyta

Your imagination, maybe, is what makes it tolerable — not theirs. 

Theseus

If we choose to imagine these men as they imagine themselves to be, then we’ll see them as talented actors. Here come two noble beasts: a man and a lion. 

Snug-as-Lion

Ladies, you who fear the tiniest mice creeping on the floor, might shiver and shake when this lion roars in wild anger. But know that I am really Snug, the joiner, and I’m not really an angry lion, or even a lion’s mother. If I really were a lion, and came in here, I’d surely lose my life. 

Theseus

What a gentle beast. He has a good conscience. 

Demetrius

This actor is the best lion I’ve ever seen on stage. 

Lysander

He’s as courageous as a fox. 

Theseus

And as smart as a goose. 

Demetrius

No, my lord. He’s not courageous enough to be smart. 

Theseus

I think it’s the other way around — he’s not smart enough to be courageous. But let’s leave that to him. Let’s listen to the moon. 

Starveling-as-Moonshine

This lantern represents the crescent moon. 

Demetrius

He should have worn the horns on his head like a cuckold. 

Theseus

He’s not a crescent moon — his horns are hidden inside the circle of the full moon’s face. 

Starveling-as-Moonshine

This lantern represents the crescent moon. I represent the man in the moon. 

Theseus

This is the biggest mistake of all. If he is to play the “man in the moon,” the actor should be inside the lantern.

Demetrius

He’s scared of the candle — you can see it’s very hot. 

Hippolyta

I’m tired of this moon. I wish he would wane offstage. 

Theseus

It seems like he’s about done, but to be kind, we should patiently wait for him to finish. 

Lysander

Go ahead, Moon. 

Starveling

All I’m supposed to tell you is that the lantern is the moon, I’m the man in the moon, this thorn bush is my thorn bush, and this dog is my dog. 

Demetrius

But shouldn’t all these things be in the lantern, if they’re all in the moon? Be quiet, here comes Thisbe. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

This is Ninny’s tomb. Where is my love? 

Snug-as-Lion

Roar. 

Demetrius

Good job roaring, Lion. 

Theseus

Good job running away, Thisbe. 

Hippolyta

Good job shining, Moon. Really, the moon is shining very well. 

Theseus

Good job shaking that mantle like a mouse, Lion. 

Demetrius

Here comes Pyramus. 

Lysander

Now the lion has disappeared. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Sweet moon, thank you for your sunshine. I thank you, moon, for shining so bright, because I know I will see Thisbe clearly in your beautiful, golden, glittering beams. But wait. O no! Look, poor man, what awful tragedy has happened? Eyes, what do you see? How can it be? O darling dear! Your trusty cloak is here stained with blood. Come, angry Furies. Come, fates, come, come and avenge her. Cut the thread of my life. Destroy, crush, conclude, and kill. 

Theseus

If it were combined with the death of a close friend, this scene might almost make a man cry. 

Hippolyta

I’ll be darned if I don’t feel sorry for him. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

O nature, why did you make lions so vicious that they have devoured my love? She was the most beautiful woman that ever lived, loved, liked, or looked. Tears, fall. Sword, wound my breast. Yes, on the left, where the heart beats. Thus I die. Like so, like so, like so. 

Now die, die, die, die, die.

Demetrius

He’s nothing but a single die, rolling an ace now, because he is just one. 

Lysander

He’s less than an ace now. He’s dead, so he is nothing. 

Theseus

A doctor could save him, so that he could be an ass once more. 

Hippolyta

If Moonshine has left already, how will it be possible for Thisbe to see Pyramus when she comes back to find him?

Theseus

She’ll find him by starlight. 

Here she comes. Her passionate speech of mourning will be the conclusion of the play. 

Hippolyta

I think she shouldn’t have much to say about this guy. I hope she’ll be brief. 

Demetrius

A speck of dust will tip the scales to decide who’s better — Pyramus or Thisbe. If this actor makes a better man, God help us. But God help us if the actor playing Thisbe makes a better woman. 

Lysander

Look, Thisbe’s sweet eyes have spotted Pyramus already. 

Demetrius

And so she’ll start moaning in grief, watch:

Flute-as-Thisbe

Are you asleep, my love? Are you dead, my dove? Pyramus, Get up! Speak, speak. Are you silent? Dead? Dead? I must cover your eyes with a tomb. Your lily-like lips, your red nose, your yellow cheeks are gone, are gone. Lovers, cry out in grief. His eyes were as green as leeks. Three fates, come to me with your pale hands. Dip them in his blood, since you have cut the silk thread of his life. Tongue, don’t say a word. Come, trusty sword, and stain my chest with blood. 

Goodbye, friends. This is how I die. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. 

Theseus

Moonshine and Lion are the only ones left to bury the dead. 

Demetrius

Yes, and wall, too. 

Bottom

No, no. I promise, the wall that once separated Pyramus and Thisbe’s fathers is still down. Would you like to see the epilogue? Or shall two of us perform a rustic dance for you?  

Theseus

No, please don’t perform an epilogue —your play does not need any explanation. Never explain yourselves, because when the players are all dead, there’s no one left to blame. Indeed, if the person who wrote this had also played Pyramus, and had hanged himself with Thisbe’s garter, that would have been a fine, tragic ending. You have performed the play very well. But let’s have a bergamask. No need for an epilogue. 

The clock has chimed midnight. Lovers, it’s time to go to bed; it’s almost time for the fairies to appear. I am worried we’ll sleep in past the morning, since we have stayed up so late tonight. This silly play has passed the evening well. Dear friends, let’s go to bed. We’ll continue celebrating our weddings every night for two weeks. 

Robin (Puck)

Now the hungry lion roars and the wolf howls to the moon, while the farmer snores, having finished all his exhausting tasks. 

Now the burnt logs glow in the fading fire, while the screech-owl, screeching a loud omen, makes the sick man ponder his coming death. 

Now it’s the time of night when the graves open wide and let out their spirits to glide around the graveyard. 

It’s time for us fairies, who flee the sun like the dragons who pull the chariot of the goddess of the moon, following darkness, to frolic freely.

Oberon

Provide glittery light throughout the house. Every one of you elves and spirits should hop like birds near every dying fire and sing and dance this song with me. 

Titania

First, repeat the song from memory, and give each word a lovely note. Let’s all hold hands while we sing and bless the Duke’s palace. 

Oberon

From now until dawn, we will each wander through this house. We’ll find the best marriage bed, and bless it, making sure that the offspring of the couple will always have good fortune. So these three couples will always be in love with each other, and nature will not spoil their children with blemishes. No mole, harelip, or scar, or any other birthmark shall ever appear on their children. With this sacred dew from the field, bless every chamber in the palace with sweet peace, and bless the owner, Theseus, with safe rest throughout his life. Go on, hop to it. We’ll all meet before dawn. 

Robin (Puck)

If we spirits have offended, just think the following, and all will be well: you have been sleeping here while these strange sights appeared before you; and this silly play was nothing but a dream. Ladies and gentlemen, don’t get upset. We beg your pardon, and will fix everything. On my honesty as a fairy, if we are lucky enough to avoid your boos and hisses, we will fix everything soon enough. If not, you can call me a liar. Goodnight everyone. If we are friends, give me your hands, and I will make everything right.