Titania

Come sit down on this flower-strewn bed while I stroke your friendly cheeks, stick muskroses in your hair, and kiss your big, beautiful ears. 

Bottom

Where is Peaseblossom?

Peaseblossom

At your service. 

Bottom

Scratch my head, Peaseblossom. Where is Master Cobweb?

Cobweb

At your service. 

Bottom

Good Master Cobweb, take your weapons and go kill a red-hopped bumblebee on top of a thistle for me. And, good monsieur, bring me the honey. Don’t tire yourself out while you’re doing it, monsieur, and make sure you don’t break the honey sac. I would hate to see you covered in honey, sir. 

Where is Monsieur Mustardseed?

Mustardseed

At your service. 

Bottom

Give me your hand, Monsieur Mustardseed. Please, stop bowing, good monsieur. 

Mustardseed

What would you like me to do?

Bottom

Nothing, but help Master Peaseblossom to scratch me. I need to go to the barber, sir, because I think my face is very hairy. And I am a very sensitive ass. If my hair tickles me even a little bit, I need to scratch. 

Titania

Would you like to listen to some music, sweetheart?

Bottom

I have a good ear for music. Let’s hear some percussion. 

Titania

Or tell me, darling, what you want to eat. 

Bottom

Just a bit of oats. I’d love some good, dry oats. I think I have a craving for a bundle of hay. There’s nothing like some good, sweet hay. 

Titania

I have an adventurous fairy that will find the squirrel’s stash of nuts and fetch you a few of them. 

Bottom

I’d prefer a handful or two of dried peas. But please, don’t let any of your fairies bother me. I feel a powerful need to sleep. 

Titania

While you sleep, I will wrap you in my arms. Leave us alone, fairies.

I’ll wrap myself around you like the woodbine twists itself around the honeysuckle, like ivy wraps around the branches of an elm tree. How I love you! I’m mad about you!

Oberon

Welcome, good Robin. Do you see this sweet sight? I almost pity Titania for how much she loves him. When I ran into her in the forest, searching for gifts to give this foolish ass, I fought with her because she had crowned his head with fresh, fragrant flowers. And the dewdrops that look like pearls when they’re on a flowerbud were now on his flower crown and looked as if they were crying of embarrassment. When I had had enough of taunting her for fun, and when she asked me politely to stop, I asked her to give me the young boy, and she did immediately. She sent her fairy to take the boy to my home in fairyland. Now that I have him, I’ll break the love spell I put her under. Gentle puck, you’ll remove the ass’s head from this Athenian peasant, so that when he wakes up, he can go back to Athens with the other four lovers, and think of this night’s events as nothing more than a dream. But first I will release the Fairy Queen from this spell. 

Be as you always were. See what you have always seen. Diana’s flower has more power than Cupid’s. Now, my Titania, wake up, my sweet queen. 

Titania

[Waking] My Oberon, the things I’ve seen! I thought I was in love with an ass. 

Oberon

He’s right there. 

Titania

How did this happen? I hate the sight of him now. 

Oberon

Be quiet for a bit. Robin, take off the ass head. Titania, call for music that will make these five sleep more deeply than usual. 

Titania

Music, please. Music that will charm them to sleep. 

Robin

Now when you wake up, you’ll see with your own foolish eyes. 

Oberon

Play music.

Take my hand, my queen. Let’s dance so that we’ll shake the ground where these five are sleeping. 

Now we’re not fighting anymore, and we will dance in triumphant ceremony tomorrow night at the Duke’s wedding to bless their marriage. At the Duke’s house, the two pairs of lovers will also be joyfully married. 

Robin (Puck)

Fair king, listen. I hear the morning lark singing. 

Oberon 

My queen, let’s silently skip and chase the night around the globe, which we can circle faster than the moon does. 

Titania

My lord, while we travel, tell me how I came to be sleeping here with these mortal humans on the ground. 

Theseus

One of you go and find the forest ranger. Now that we’ve completed our May Day ceremonies, and the day is still young, Hippolyta should hear my hounds barking in the hunt. Let them loose in the western valley. Go, I say, find the forest ranger. 

We will go up to the mountain top, my beautiful queen, and listen to the music of my hounds barking back and forth to each other. 

Hippolyta

Once, when I was with Hercules and Cadmus, they hunted bear with Spartan dogs in the woods of Crete. Their barking was so impressive that he skies, the rivers, and all the land seemed one loud bark. I’d never heard such a beautiful cacophony, such sweet-sounding thunder. 

Theseus

My hounds are descended from Spartan dogs, with huge jowls, sandy fur, ears that hang so low they sweep the dew from the grass, crooked knees, and folds of skin at their throats, just like Thessalian bulls. They may be slow to chase, but their barks are like bells echoing each other. There have never been such musical barks, in Crete, Sparta, or Thessaly. You can judge for yourself when you hear them. But wait, who are these people?

Egeus

My lord, this is my daughter sleeping here. And that’s Lysander. This is Demetrius, and this is Nedar’s daughter Helena. I wonder how they got here. 

Theseus

I’m sure they got up early to celebrate May Day, and when they heard I’d be here, they came to honor our celebration. But tell me, Egeus, isn’t this the day Hermia is supposed to let us know if she has chosen to marry Demetrius or not?

Egeus

It is that day, my lord. 

Theseus

Tell the huntsmen to play their horns to wake up these four. 

Good morning, friends. Valentine’s day is over, but you lovebirds are just now pairing off?

Lysander

Pardon, my lord. 

Theseus

Please, all of you, stand up. 

Demetrius and Lysander, I know you are rivals. How has it happened that you trust each other enough that your jealous has changed so much that you’re both willing to sleep next to your former rival with no fear of conflict?

Lysander

My lord, I must answer you in a daze, half asleep, half awake. Honestly, I can’t say how I got here, but I think — I want to speak the truth, and now I think this is the truth — I came here with Hermia. We wanted to leave Athens for somewhere we might, out from under Athenian law —

Egeus

That’s enough, my lord. That’s enough. You must punish him under law. They would have sneaked away. Demetrius, they would have ruined our plans, stealing your wife from you and taking away my right as her father to consent to her marriage.

Demetrius

My lord, beautiful Helen told me about their secret plan to flee into this forest, and I followed them in anger, and Helena followed me because of her love for me. But, my good lord, I don’t know what came over me, but something did. My love for Hermia melted like snow, and seems like nothing but an idle fancy from my childhood. All my faithfulness and virtue are now directed toward Helena, who is the object of my affections. I was engaged to her before I saw Hermia. But just as I hate to eat when I’m sick, and when I’m healthy, my appetite returns, I now long for and love Helena, and I will always be true to her. 

Theseus

Beautiful lovers, it’s lucky you met here. We’ll hear more of your story soon. Egeus, I am overruling you. In this temple, along with me and Hippolyta, these two couples will get married. And now that the morning is mostly gone, we’ll call off the hunt. Come back to Athens with us. Three and three, we’ll hold a celebratory feast. Come on, Hippolyta. 

Demetrius

The events of last night seem so far away and so hard to grasp, it’s like they were once mountains that have now turned into clouds. 

Hermia

It’s like I’m looking back at last night with double vision. Everything is blurry. 

Helena

I feel that way too. I feel like I’ve found a treasure in Demetrius, and though he’s mine, he also belongs to someone else.

Demetrius

It’s like we’re still sleeping, still dreaming. Was the Duke really here? Did he really tell us to follow him back to Athens?

Hermia

Yes, and my father was here, too. 

Helena

And Hippolyta was here. 

Lysander

Yes, and the Duke did tell us to follow him to the temple. 

Demetrius

Well, we must be awake then. Let’s follow him, and we can tell each other about last night along the way. 

Bottom

Call me when it’s my cue, and I will respond. My next cue is, “most fair Pyramus.” Hello? Peter Quince? Flute the bellows-mender? Snout the tinker? Starveling? My goodness. Have they sneaked away and left me here sleeping? I’ve had the strangest dream. It’s was so strange it would be impossible for me to say anything about it. I thought I was — well no one could tell what I was. I thought I was, and I thought I had — but I’d have to be a fool to try to say what I had. No one could ever hear, see, taste, feel, or tell what happened in my dream. I’ll ask Peter Quince to write it up as a song, and I’ll call it “Bottom’s Dream” because it’s so deep that it has no bottom. And when we perform our play for the Duke, I’ll sing it at intermission. Or better yet, I’ll sing it when the heroine, Thisbe, dies.