Oberon

I wonder if Titania has woken up yet, and I wonder what she first saw — the thing she must have fallen deeply in love with. 

Here comes my messenger. How are you, crazy fairy? What mischief are you up to in this haunted forest tonight?

Robin (Puck)

Queen Titania has fallen in love with a monster. Near to her sacred sleeping place, while she was asleep, a crew of clowns — lower-class tradesmen who work for their money in Athenian stalls — were meeting to rehearse a play they’ll perform on Theseus’ wedding day. The most foolish one of their group, who is playing Pyramus, left in the middle of a scene and entered the trees. When I came upon him there, I placed an ass’s head on his. Soon enough, he had to re-enter the rehearsal, to answer Thisbe. When his fellow actors saw him, they all ran away like wild geese or jackdaws who take flight after hearing a gunshot. As soon as they saw him, they all ran away just like that, and when one of them heard my footsteps, he cried “Murder” and screamed for help from Athens. They were so senseless with fear that they became afraid of inanimate objects, like the bushes and thorns that caught on their clothes and pulled at their sleeves and hats. I spurred them on, and left poor Pyramus alone, utterly changed. That’s when Titania woke up and immediately fell in love with an ass. 

Oberon

This is all going even better than I planned. But have you dropped the nectar on the Athenian’s eyes, like I told you to?

Robin (Puck)

Yes, I did it while he was sleeping — so that’s done too — and I did it while he was sleeping near the Athenian woman, so that when he wakes up, she’ll be the first thing he sees.  

Oberon

Stay close. This is the right man. 

Robin (Puck)

This is the woman, but this isn’t the right man. 

Demetrius

Why do you reject the man who loves you? You should reserve such cruel words for your worst enemy. 

Hermia

Now, I’m gently scolding you, but I should be even more abusive. I’m afraid you’ve given me a reason to curse you. If you killed Lysander in his sleep, you’re up to your ankles in blood, and you might as well kill me too. Lysander was more faithful to me than the sun is to the day. Would he have run away from me while I was sleeping? I’ll believe that as soon as someone digs a hole in the earth so huge that the moon can sneak through the center and move the tides on the other side of the world. You must have killed him — you have the look of a murderer, so deathly and so grim. 

Demetrius

That’s how murder victims look, too, and that’s how I should look, since you’ve stabbed me in the heart with your meanness. But you, who are the murderer, look as bright and clear as the planet Venus in the night sky. 

Hermia

None of this matters with Lysander gone. Where is he? Please bring him to me, Demetrius. 

Demetrius

I’d rather give his dead body to my dogs.

Hermia

Go away, you dog! Go away you mongrel. You’re really testing my patience. Just tell me if you’ve killed him. If that’s the case, you can never be considered a man. For once, just tell the truth, for my sake. Did you dare to look at him when he was awake? And did you kill him while he was sleeping? How brave! You’ve done nothing a worm or a viper couldn’t do. Maybe a viper did do it, because there’s never been a more two-faced snake than you. 

Demetrius

Your anger is misdirected. I’m not guilty of killing Lysander. He’s not even dead, as far as I can tell. 

Hermia

Please tell me he’s okay. 

Demetrius

If I did, what would you give me?

Hermia

The privilege of never seeing me again. So I’m leaving. Never seek me again, whether or not he’s dead. 

Demetrius

It’s no use following her when she’s this mad, so I’ll stay here for a while. The weight of sorrow grows even heavier because I owe a debt of sleep. I’ll pay that debt off now, and sleep here a bit. 

Oberon

Robin (Puck)

This is the work of fate. For every one man who keeps his oath, there’s a million who don’t, breaking oath after oath.

Oberon

Search through the forest faster than the wind until you find Helena of Athens. She’s love-sick and pale from all of her sighs. Use some trick to bring her here, and I’ll put the nectar on this man’s eyes before she gets here. 

Robin (Puck)

Here I go, faster than the arrow from the bow of a warrior. 

Oberon

Purple flower, fly like an arrow from Cupid’s bow, and hit the apple of his eye. 

When he sees his love, let her shine to him like Venus in the sky. When you wake up, if she’s near, ask her to return your love as a cure for your lovesickness.

Robin (Puck)

Fairy captain, here is Helena and the young man I mistakenly gave the love potion to, begging her to love him. Shall we watch the scene they’re making? Lord, these humans are idiots!

Oberon

Stand back. They’ll wake up Demetrius with their noise. 

Robin (Puck)

Then these two men will both be pursuing Helena. That’s fun enough. The most ridiculous things are often the most entertaining. 

Lysander

Why do you think my love is a cruel joke? If it were, would I be crying. See? When I make my vows to you, I cry. And when a vow is made through tears, you know it’s the truth. How can I seem like I’m mocking you, when these tears are proof of my sincerity?

Helena

You’re just being even trickier — you’ve made the same vows to Hermia, and your holy vows to her are at war with your wicked vows to me. Are you going to ditch her? If you make the same oaths to two different women, they won’t mean anything. If you compare the weight of the vows you’ve made to Hermia, and the weight of the vows you’ve made to me, you’ll see they weigh the same: nothing — because they’re lies. 

Lysander

I wasn’t using good judgment when I made my vows to Hermia. 

Helena

You’re not using any now that you’ve abandoned her. 

Lysander

Demetrius loves her, and he doesn’t love you. 

Demetrius

Helena

You’re a devil! You’re all in it together, playing some cruel joke on me. If you were kind and courteous, you wouldn’t harm me so much. Is it not enough to hate me — as I know you do — so you have to mock me too? If you were real men, as you appear to be on the outside, you wouldn’t abuse a good woman this way, making vows and praising me, when you really hate me. You are both competing for Hermia’s love, but now you’re mocking her by pretending to love me. What a fine, noble thing to do, to make a poor young woman cry with your ridicule. No decent man would be so cruel to a virgin, testing her patience just to have fun at her expense. 

Lysander

Don’t be so unkind, Demetrius. You love Hermia; you know I know that. So with good intentions, with all my heart, I give her to you. You should give me Helena, whom I love and will love until I die. 

Helena

All this trickery is a waste of breath. 

Demetrius

Lysander, you can keep Hermia. I don’t want her. If I ever did love her, I don’t anymore. My heart visited her like a guest on a journey, but now, to Helena, it has gone home to stay. 

Lysander

No, that’s not true Helena. 

Demetrius

If you insult my faith to Helena — which you know nothing about — you’ll pay for it dearly. 

Look, here comes Hermia. Your love is right over there. 

Hermia

When it’s dark at night, the eye cannot see, but the ear can hear even better. Night may impair vision, but it makes us hear twice as well. I didn’t find you by looking, Lysander; my ear brought  me here, recognizing your sound. But why did you leave me so rudely?

Lysander

Why should he stay when love tells him to go?

Hermia

What love could make you leave me?

Lysander

My urgent love for pretty Helena, who beautifies the night even more than the stars. Why are you looking for me? Doesn’t the fact that I ditched you tell you that I hate you?

Hermia

You don’t know what you’re saying. This can’t be real. 

Helena

Oh, she must be in on it. Now I understand — all three of them have joined together to play this joke to spite me. Harmful, ungrateful Hermia, have you conspired with these two to ridicule me? Have you forgotten all our friendly intimacy — the sisterly vows we’ve made, the hours we’ve spent together, refusing to be parted? Have you forgotten our friendship from our innocent school days? Like two artistic gods doing needlepoint, we would stitch one flower with two needles, sitting on the same cushion, singing one song in the same key, as if our hands, sides, voices, and minds were all part of one body. We grew together like a double cherry: we may have appeared separate, but we were one: two lovely cherries, both on one stem. We have two bodies and one heart, as if we were two separate coats of arms that share the same color and crest. And you want to rip our friendship apart, just to join with two men who are mocking your poor friend? It’s unkind and unbefitting a young woman. All women, including me, would scold you for it, even if I’m the only one you’re harming. 

Hermia

Your strong words confuse me. I’m not ridiculing you. It seems like you’re ridiculing me. 

Helena

Haven’t you told Lysander to follow me and praise my looks just to make fun of me? Haven’t you told Demetrius — who just now kicked me — to call me goddess, nymph, divine, and rare, precious, heavenly? Why is he saying these things to a woman he hates? And why does Lysander — who loves you so much — say that he doesn’t, and give me affection instead, if you haven’t told him to do it? You’re just teasing me because I’m not as lucky as you to have so much love. I’m miserable, and my love is unrequited. You should have pity for me — not hate me. 

Hermia

I don’t understand what you mean. 

Helena

Yes you do. Go right ahead and look sympathetic to my face, and then mock me behind my back. Go ahead and wink at each other, and keep up the joke. Your prank is so well executed, someone should write it down. If you had any decency, grace, or manners, you wouldn’t do this to me. But goodbye. It’s partially my fault, but that will be fixed soon enough — when I leave or die. 

Lysander

Wait, Helena. Let me explain myself, my love, my life, my soul, beautiful Helena.

Helena

Oh, this should be good. 

Hermia

[To Lysander] Sweetheart, don’t insult her like this. 

Demetrius

[To Lysander] If you won’t listen to Hermia’s pleas, then I’ll make you leave. 

Lysander

You can’t make me leave any more than Helena can beg me to stay. Your threats are weaker than her pleas. Helen, I love you. I swear I do. I swear on my life, which I would gladly give up for you — Demetrius is wrong when he says I don’t love you. 

Demetrius

[To Helena] I love you more than he does. 

Lysander

Then draw your sword and prove it. 

Demetrius

Come on.

Hermia

Lysander, what’s your plan here?

Lysander

Get away from me, you ugly woman. 

Demetrius

No, no, sir, give up. You’ll look like you’re trying to get away from Hermia so you can fight me, you’ll pretend to follow me, but you won’t really. You’re just weak — give up. 

Lysander

[To Hermia] Get off me, you cat, you burr. Let go of me, or I’ll shake you off like a snake. 

Hermia

Why are you being so rude? What has changed, my love?

Lysander

Your love? Go away, ugly woman, go away. Get out, you poison. Leave. 

Hermia

You’re not joking?

Helena

Yes, truly they are — and you’re joking too.

Lysander

Demetrius, I’ll keep promise to you — let’s fight. 

Demetrius

I wish we had signed a contract, because I can tell you don’t keep your word. I don’t trust your promise. 

Lysander

What, do you want me to hurt her? Hit her? Kill her? I may hate her, but I won’t physically harm her. 

Hermia

There’s no greater harm you can do to me than hate me. Hate me? Why would you hate me? What’s going on, my love? Aren’t I Hermia? Aren’t you Lysander? I’m still just as beautiful as I ever was. You loved me last night, but you left me last night too. Am I supposed to believe you left me — heaven forbid — for real?

Lysander

Yes, I swear on my life, I left you and never wanted to see you again. So give up — don’t have any hopes, questions, or doubts. You can be certain that it’s no joke: I hate you and love Helena. 

Hermia

[To Helena] You clown! You destroyer, you thief of love! Did you steal my love’s heart from him in the dark of night?

Helena

Oh, very nice. Don’t you have any modesty or lady-like shame? Not even a hint of embarrassment? Is your plan to make me so mad that I’ll scream my answers at you? Damn you,! You’re a phony and a puppet. 

Hermia

How am I a puppet? Oh, I see what’s happening here. Now I understand that Helena is comparing our sizes. She’s pointing out how tall she is, and now she has won Lysander over with her height. And have you, Helena, grown so high in his opinion simply because I’m so short in comparison? How short am I, you beanpole? Tell me — how short am I? I’m not so short that I can’t scratch your eyes out. 

Helena

You may mock me, gentlemen, but please don’t let her hurt me. I’ve never been mean. I don’t have a talent for insulting others. I’m too meek. Don’t let her hit me. Just because she’s shorter than me doesn’t mean I can take her in a fight. 

Hermia

Shorter? Call me short one more time...

Helena

Hermia, my dear, don’t be so mean to me. I have always loved you, Hermia. I have always been your confidante and never did you wrong… Except for the fact that because I loved Demetrius, I told him that you had sneaked into this forest with Lysander. Demetrius followed you, and because I love him, I followed him. But he’s done nothing but scold me and threaten to hit and even kill me. Now please just let me quietly slink back to Athens — I won’t follow you anymore. Let me go. See how naively in love I’ve been?

Hermia

So leave. Who’s stopping you?

Helena

My foolish heart — which I’m leaving behind.

Hermia

Are you leaving it behind with Lysander?

Helena

No, with Demetrius.

Lysander

Don’t be afraid. She won’t hurt you, Helena.

Demetrius

No, Lysander, she won’t, even if you help Helena. 

Helena

When she’s mad, she’s smart and cunning. She was a real piece of work when we were in school, and though she’s small, she’s fierce. 

Hermia

Is she calling me small again? Nothing but small and short? Why are you letting her insult me? Let me at her. 

Lysander

Leave, you dwarf, you insignificant weed, you bead, you acorn. 

Demetrius

You’re trying to hard on behalf of a woman who wants nothing to do with you. Leave Hermia alone. Don’t talk about Helena, and don’t fight on her behalf. You’ll pay for it if you keep being so mean to Hermia. 

Lysander

Hermia has let go of me. Lysander, follow me if you dare, and we’ll see who has more of a right to Helena. 

Demetrius

Follow? No, I’ll go beside you, neck and neck.

Hermia

Helena, this mess is all your fault. No, stay right there. 

Helena

I don’t trust you anymore, and I won’t stay here just so I can be treated badly by you. You may be fast in a fight, but my legs are longer, so I can run away. 

Hermia

I’m shocked. I don’t know what to say. 

Oberon

This is your fault. You made another mistake, or else you’re making mischief on purpose. 

Robin (Puck)

Believe me, I just made a mistake, my king. Didn’t you tell me I would recognize the man by his Athenian clothes? You can’t blame me that I placed the nectar of the flower on an Athenian’s eyes. And frankly, I’m glad it turned out this way, because all their fighting is very entertaining in my opinion. 

Oberon

You can see the lovers are looking for a place to fight. Hurry and make it cloudy. Cover the sky with black fog as soon as you can, and make Lysander and Demetrius get lost so that they can’t find each other. Make yourself sound like Lysander and egg on Demetrius with insulting taunts. Then make yourself sound like Demetrius and yell at Lysander. Lead them away from each other until they both fall asleep. Then crush the herb on Lysander’s eye and it will undo the other charm and make him see the world as he used to. Then, when they wake up, all of this fighting will seem like a pointless dream, and the lovers will go back to Athens to be together until death parts them. While you’re doing this, I’ll go to Titania and beg her to give me the Indian boy. Then I’ll undo the spell I put on her that made her fall in love with the ass, and all will be right with the world again. 

Robin (Puck)

My fairy lord, we need to act fast because night is fading and the morning star is shining there, sending ghosts home from their wandering to their churchyards. The cursed spirits who died on the road or drowned in the river have already gone to their worm-filled beds, afraid to be seen by the day. They have banished themselves from sunlight, and must remain forever in darkness.  

Oberon

But we’re a different sort of spirit. I love the morning, and often wander in the forest until the fiery sun, rising over the sea, turns the salty, green water yellow. But, that being said, hurry up. We can pull this off before daytime. 

Robin (Puck)

Up and down, up and down, I will lead them up and down. I am feared in field and town. Goblin lead them up and down. Here comes one. 

Lysander

Where are you, arrogant Demetrius? Say something. 

Robin (Puck)

[Pretending to be Demetrius] I’m here, villain, ready to fight you. Where are you?

Lysander

I’m coming for you right now. 

Robin (Puck)

Follow me to flatter ground that’s better for fighting. 

Demetrius

Lysander, say something. You runaway! You coward! Did you run away? Speak! Are you hiding in a bush? Where are you hiding yourself?

Robin (Puck)

[Pretending to be Lysander] You coward, you’re bragging to the stars and telling the bushes that you’re spoiling for a fight, but you won’t actually come face me? Come and get me, you coward. I’ll hit you with a stick. You’re not good enough for a swordfight. 

Demetrius

Are you there?

Robin (Puck)

Follow my voice; this isn’t a good place to fight. 

Lysander

He’s fleeing from me, but still egging me on. As soon as I reach him, he’s gone again. He’s much faster than me. I chased him quickly, but he fled even more quickly, and now I’m lost on a dark, uneven path. I’ll rest here. 

Come, gentle day. Once I see the gray light of dawn, I’ll find Demetrius and get my revenge for his insult. 

Robin (Puck)

[Pretending to be Lysander] Coward, why haven’t you come to fight me?

Demetrius

Follow me if you dare. I know why you run from me, disappearing at every turn, and don’t dare face me. Where are you now?

Robin (Puck)

Come here. I’m here. 

Demetrius

No, you’re mocking me. You will pay for this, if I see you in daylight. Go whatever way you like. I’m faint, and need to stretch out to sleep on the cold ground. 

When dawn breaks, I’ll find you. 

Helena

I wish the tiring, endless night would pass quickly. I wish the sun would shine in the east, so that I can head back to Athens in daylight, and leave behind these people who hate me. Sleep, which sometimes takes away sorrows, give me a break from myself. 

Robin (Puck)

Only three? Come on, one more person. Two women and two men make four people. 

Here she is, insulted and sad. Cupid is a cruel mischief maker, driving these poor women insane like this. 

Hermia

I’ve never been so tired, or so sad. I’m covered in dewdrops and torn by thorns. I can’t crawl any further. My legs are giving out. I’ll rest here until dawn. 

Heaven help Lysander if they fight!

Robin (Puck)

Sleep soundly on the ground. I’ll apply this remedy to your eyes. 

When you wake up, you’ll be delighted by the sight of Hermia. When you wake up, you’ll believe the country proverb: that every man will take a woman, every Jack will have a Jill, and nothing will go wrong. The man will have his horse again, and all will be well.