Bottom

Is everyone here?

Quince

Right on time. This is the perfect place for our rehearsal. This grass here will be our stage, and this stand of trees will be backstage, and we’ll rehearse the play just as we plan to perform it for the Duke. 

Bottom

Peter Quince?

Quince

What is it, Bottom, my good friend?

Bottom

There are some parts of Pyramus and Thisbe that just won’t work. First, Pyramus has to draw a sword to kill himself, and the ladies in the audience won’t like it. What do you think we should do about that?

Snout

Indeed, that’s definitely a problem. 

Starveling

I think we should take out all the parts with killing

Bottom

No, no, no. I know how we can fix this. Write a prologue for me to perform, and make sure it says that we won’t hurt anyone with our swords, and that Pyramus is not really killed. To assure them even more, tell them that I am not really Pyramus — I’m Bottom the weaver. This will get rid of their fears. 

Quince

Good. We’ll have a prologue, and we’ll write it in common meter. 

Bottom

No, give each line two more syllables. Write it in tetrameter. 

Snout

Won’t the ladies also be afraid of the lion?

Starveling

I’m afraid of it, that’s for sure. 

Bottom

Think about it, gentlemen. If we — God help us — put a lion onstage in front of a bunch of ladies, it would be terrible. There’s no scarier animal than a lion, so we should figure something out. 

Snout

Another prologue could tell everyone that he’s not really a lion. 

Bottom

No, you should tell everyone his name, and make it so that the audience can see half of Snug’s face through the lion’s neck. And then he should say something like “ladies,” or “beautiful ladies, I would wish you,” or “I would request you,” or “I would ask you not to be afraid, not to tremble in fear. Your lives are worth as much to me as my own life. And if you think I’ve come here as a real lion, I’d be risking my life. No, I am not a lion. I’m a man just like all other men.” That’s it. Let him say his name and tell everyone clearly that he’s Snug the joiner. 

Quince

Good, that’s settled. But there are two other tricky parts of the play: one is that we need to have the moon shine in the room, because, as you know, Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight. 

Snug

Will the moon be shining the night that we perform the play?

Bottom

We need a calendar, a calendar. Look in the almanac, and see when the moon will be shining. 

Quince

[Consulting an almanac] Yes, the moon will be shining that night. 

Bottom

Okay, then we can leave the window of the great chamber open, and the moon will shine through. 

Quince

Yes, or someone could come in holding a bush of thorns and a lantern and say that he’s there to represent moonshine. But there’s another problem: we need a wall on stage, because the story says that Pyramus and Thisbe talk through a hole in a wall. 

Snout

We can’t possibly bring in a wall. Any ideas, Bottom?

Bottom

One of us must perform Wall. Make sure he has plaster, or loam, or lime with him to represent the wall, and he can hold his fingers like this, and Pyramus and Thisbe can whisper through his fingers. 

Quince

If we do that, then problem solved. Come sit down, all of you, and rehearse your parts. Pyramus, you go first. When you’re done with your speech, go into the trees. Everyone follow your cues. 

Robin

What country bumpkins are these, so close to where the Fairy Queen is sleeping. Are they rehearsing a play? I’ll be the audience — an actor, too, if the occasion calls for it. 

Quince

Say your lines, Pyramus. Thisbe, stand here. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Thisbe, the flowers with sweet, odious scents

Quince

Odious? Odorous!

Bottom-as-Pyramus

Sweet, odorous scents. Your breath has such sweet scents, dearest Thisbe. But wait, I hear a voice. Wait here a minute, and I’ll come right back.  

Robin (Puck)

[Aside] This is the weirdest Pyramus I’ve ever seen. 

Flute

Is it my cue? 

Quince

Yes, it is. You’re supposed to look like you’re just waiting for him to investigate a noise he heard. He’s coming right back. 

Flute-as-Thisbe

Luminous Pyramus, you are as white as the lily, as red as the rose on the thorny bush. You’re a lively youth, a lovely jewel. You’re as steadfast as a horse that never tires. I’ll meet you, Pyramus, at Ninny’s tomb. 

Quince

“Ninus’ tomb,” man! But don’t say that part yet — that’s what you say in response to Pyramus. You’re speaking all of your part at once, including the cues. Pyramus, enter. You missed your cue; it’s “never tire.’

Flute

[As Thisbe] As steadfast as a horse that never tires. 

Bottom-as-Pyramus

If I were handsome, Thisbe, I’d still love only you. 

Quince

A hideous monster! We are haunted! Please, men, run for your lives! Help!

Robin (Puck)

I’ll follow you, and I’ll lead you around in circles, through bog, through shrubs, through trees, through bushes. Sometimes I’ll appear as a horse, sometimes as a dog, or a hog, or a headless bear, or even as fire. I’ll neigh, bark, grunt, roar, and burn, like horse, dog, job, bear, or fire everywhere I go. 

Bottom

Why are they running away from me? They’re playing some trick on me, trying to make me afraid. 

Snout

You’ve changed, Bottom. What is that on your head?

Bottom

What do you see there? I’ll tell you — you see nothing but yourself, being an ass. 

Quince

Bless you, poor Bottom. God help you. Your appearance has changed. 

Bottom

I know what they’re up to. They’re trying to make a fool of me, to frighten me. But I won’t run away, no matter what they do. I’ll walk around, and I’ll sing so that they can hear I’m not afraid. 

[Sings] The blackbird 

with orange-brown bill, 

the thrush with his beautiful song, 

the wren with his small voice.

Titania

[Waking] Who is this angel who wakes me up from sleeping in my bed of flowers? 

Bottom

[Sings] The finch, the sparrow, and the lark, 

the grey cuckoo with his simple sound, 

whom many men hear 

and are too afraid to say no to — 

Who would talk to such a stupid bird anyway? Who would call the bird a liar, even if the bird calls the man a cuckold?

Titania

Please, gentleman, sing again. My ear loves your voice, and my eye loves your appearance. Your beautiful qualities move me to swear that I have fallen in love with you at first sight. 

Bottom

I think, madam, there’s no reason for that. But to be honest, reason and love aren’t seen together much these days. It’s really a shame that honest people don’t put them together more often. But I’m just kidding around. 

Titania

You are as wise as you are beautiful. 

Bottom

No, no, that’s not true. But if I were smart enough to find my way out of this forest, that would be smart enough for me. 

Titania

Please don’t leave these woods. You must stay here, whether you want to or not. I’m not your average fairy. The summer is ruled by me, and I love you. So you must go with me. I’ll give you fairies to wait on you, and they’ll bring you jewels from the deep ocean, and sing you to sleep on beds of flowers. I will transform your mortal body into that of fairy, lighter than air. Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Mote, and Mustardseed!

Peaseblossom

I’m ready. 

Cobweb

Me too. 

Mote

Me too. 

Mustardseed

Me too. 

All

What would you like us to do?

Titania

Be kind and courteous to this gentleman. Follow him around and dance for him. Feed him apricots and blackberries, grapes, green figs, and mulberries. Steal honey from the bumblebees, and make candles with their wax. Light these candles with glowworms, so that my love can have light at bedtime and when he wakes up. Take the wings off of colorful butterflies and make them into fans to brush the moonbeams from his sleeping eyes. Bow to him, and treat him well, elves. 

Peaseblossom

Hail, human. 

Cobweb

Hail. 

Mote

Hail. 

Mustardseed

Hail. 

Bottom

Pardon me, sirs. What is your name, sir?

Cobweb

Cobweb.

Bottom

I would love to get to know you better, good Master Cobweb. If I cut my finger, I’ll ask for your help. And your name, good sir?

Peaseblossom

Peaseblossom.

Bottom

Please send my regards to your mother, Squash, and to your father, Pea Pod. Good Master Peaseblossom, I look forward to getting to know you, too. And what is your name, please, sir?

Mustardseed

Mustardseed.

Bottom

Good Master Mustardseed, I am familiar with your suffering. Many of your family members have been devoured as seasoning on sides of beef. I swear, your kindred have made my eyes water many times. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, good Master Mustardseed. 

Titania

[To the fairies] Wait on him, and lead him to my bed. I think the moon looks down upon us with tears in her eyes, weeping her dewdrops onto every flower, sad that some are forced to be chaste. Tie up my love’s tongue to prevent him from talking. Bring him silently.