Quince

Is everyone here?

Bottom

You should probably call everyone individually, according to your list. 

Quince

I have here a list of every man who is considered in Athens to be a good enough actor to join our play to entertain Theseus and Hippolyta on the night of their wedding. 

Bottom

First, Peter Quince tell us what the play is about, then read the names of the actors, and then conclude.

Quince

Indeed. The play we will perform is The Saddest Comedy and Cruelest Death of Pyramus and Thisbe. 

Bottom

A very good play, for sure, and a happy one, too. Now, Peter Quince, call each of the actors forward according to your list. Fellows, spread out around him. 

Quince

Respond when you hear your name. Nick Bottom, the weaver?

Bottom

I’m ready. Tell me what part I will play, then go ahead. 

Quince

You, Nick Bottom, are going to play Pyramus. 

Bottom

What kind of a man is Pyramus? Is he a lover or a tyrant?

Quince

He is a lover, and he kills himself heroically for love. 

Bottom

That will require me to cry in order to perform it well. If I accomplish that, the audience should pay attention to their own eyes. I will make them cry storms of tears. I will grieve immensely. Okay, onto the other roles. — But my personality is best suited to play a tyrant. I could play Hercules very well, or some other part that would require me to rant and rave and tear everything apart. 

And shaking shocks

Shall break the locks

Of prison gates

And the sun

Will shine from afar

And make or break

The foolish fates. 

That was good. Now name the rest of the actors. — No, that performance I just gave was more in the style of Hercules. A lover should be more mournful. 

Quince

Francis Flute, the bellows-mender?

Flute

I’m here, Peter Quince.

Quince

Flute, you will play Thisbe.

Flute

Who is Thisbe? A traveling knight?

Quince

Thisbe is the woman whom Pyramus loves. 

Flute

No, please don’t make me play a woman. I am growing a beard. 

Quince

That’s fine. You’ll wear a mask when you play Thisbe, and you must speak as high and soft as you can. 

Bottom

If I can hide my face, let me play Thisbe, too. I’ll speak in a very high, soft voice: “Thisne, Thisne!” — “Ah Pyramus, my love! I am Thisbe, your lady love!”

Quince

No, no, you have to play Pyramus. And Flute, you have to play Thisbe. 

Bottom

Fine. Go ahead. 

Quince

Robin Starveling, the tailor?

Starveling

Right here, Peter Quince. 

Quince

Robin Starveling, you will play Thisbe’s mother. Tom Snout, the tinker?

Snout

I’m here, Peter Quince. 

Quince

You will play Pyramus’ father. I will play Thisbe’s father. Snug the joiner, you will play the lion. And now I’ve finished assigning roles.

Snug

Do you have the lion’s part written down? If you do, can you please give it to me? I’m a slow learner. 

Quince

You can improvise the role, because your only lines are roaring. 

Bottom

Let me play the lion, too. I will roar so loud that the audience will all love it. I will roar so well that the Duke will want me to roar again and again. 

Quince

But if you do it too well, you’ll scare the Duchess and all the women so much that they will shriek, and that would be the death of us all. 

All

Indeed it would, every one of us. 

Bottom

True, friends, if we scare the women out of their wits, they will have no choice but to hang us. But I will change my voice so that I will roar as gently as a dove. I will roar as if I were a nightingale. 

Quince

You can only play Pyramus, because Pyramus is a sweet man, a proper man, like one might see out and about in the summer, beautiful and gentlemanly. That’s why you have to play Pyramus. 

Bottom

Fine, I’ll play Pyramus. What beard should I wear to play him?

Quince

Whatever you want. 

Bottom

I will play the role in a yellow beard, an orange-brown beard, a purple-dyed beard, or golden beard, like a French coin — the perfect yellow color. 

Quince

But some French people are bald from syphilis, and then you’ll have to play the role clean shaven. Okay everyone, here are your lines. Please learn them by tomorrow night, and meet me in the woods a mile outside of town, by moonlight. We will rehearse there, because if we meet in the city, people will see us and figure out what we’re planning. Until then, I will write down a list of props we’ll need for the play. Please don’t let me down. 

Bottom

We’ll meet you there, and we will rehearse properly and diligently. Everyone try to be perfect. Goodbye. 

Quince

We’ll meet at the Duke’s oak. 

Bottom

Enough. Keep your promise or quit the play altogether.